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Home 2. Weird World 3. 5 Things We Need to Stop Feeling Nostalgic For Cracked Columnists 5 Things We Need to Stop Feeling Nostalgic For By Adam Tod Brown November 20, 2012 1,000,995 Views * Facebook * Twitter * Add to Favorites People love to mourn the passing of trivial things that, deep down, everyone knows nobody really cares about. Take Hostess, for example. That company just went under like three days ago, and already people are eulogizing the Twinkie as if they actually continued to eat them once the very earliest stages of childhood passed. And besides, it's not like some company won't just buy Hostess and keep poisoning schoolkids themselves. But any excuse to act as if they've lost something dear is a good one for the public at large. So now Ho Hos and Ding Dongs are a thing that we all have to pretend we miss for the next few days. Here are a few more things we've been pretending we miss for a lot longer than that ... #5. Mom and Pop Stores [header_adambrown.jpg] Getty Any (well-deserved) discussion about the evils of big box department stores like Walmart will inevitably veer off into a soliloquy about the good old days when tiny mom and pop stores ruled the consumer landscape. Before all of the union busting and forced overtime and other famous atrocities came to light, the biggest complaint about the big chain stores was that they put the little guy out of business. How is a small operation supposed to compete when the competition can afford to sell bucket-sized versions of the same items you sell one at a time for the exact same price? What They Aren't Thinking About You know, mom and pop stores are still a thing. Even if a lot of them have gone under over the years, you can still find them. Provided you live in a city with a decent-sized population, you don't have to buy your albums at Best Buy. You can seek out your local independent record store and make the exact same purchase. So let me ask you this ... how often do you do it? For everyone's constant bitching about how the Walmarts of the world destroyed small businesses, you sure as hell don't see a lot of that outrage translating into patronage of the smaller shops and stores that are still trying to stay afloat in the face of the Big Blue Machine. If you did, things like Record Store Day wouldn't be necessary. [header_adambrown.jpg] RecordStoreDay.com Reminder: Steve Jobs did not invent the music industry. What's that, you ask? It's a day when major and independent record labels alike put out releases by big name artists that are only available that day and only at participating independent record stores. It's intended to compel consumers to ignore the allure of $8.99 CDs at the large retail chains, even if for just one day. And that's the thing -- it usually is just one day. Needless to say, most of the clientele at this yearly effort to help keep a CD section in the head shops of America consists of enterprising eBay sellers hoping to turn a quick profit. [header_adambrown.jpg] Ebay.com The Foo Fighters doing a bunch of cover songs can be yours for just $229.99! But why does this day even exist? Aren't music fans the ones who automatically rally around the little guy and fight against corporate power? Why do people need to be reminded to visit independent record stores each year like some kind of dementia-addled relative? Simple: Because mom and pop stores just aren't that convenient. With very few exceptions, the selection is dick and the service becomes nonexistent as soon as two or more customers arrive to monopolize the sole cashier's attention, leaving you plenty of time to write your 1,500-word Yelp review about "how charming and retro this place is" while silently cursing yourself for being too much of a working-class hero to take a bus to Target like a normal person. And it's just a sad fact of business that smaller stores can't afford to sell you things at the same low prices the larger stores can. Especially in an economy like this, you shouldn't feel bad about making your purchasing decisions based on what makes the most sense for you financially. The smaller stores are going to lose that battle every time. I'm not saying that big chain stores are objectively superior to smaller stores or that the mom and pops are at fault for not being able to provide the same amenities that a plush, luxurious Walmart can, but I am definitely saying that if you're going to bitch about the big guys putting small businesses under, you should at least make it a point to support the ones that haven't been taken down yet. If you don't, you really don't have anything to complain about. #4. Violence in the NFL [header_adambrown.jpg] Getty Watch an NFL game in the company of a large group of people and you could probably set your watch by the regular intervals at which someone is going to complain about how they long for the days when "the refs just let 'em play out there." Translation: "Rules be damned, if Ray Lewis wants to stab an opposing quarterback on the field, he should be allowed to do so. It's a game for men, after all. And defense wins championships!" What They Aren't Thinking About Here's the thing. Defense does indeed win championships, but offense sells tickets. Offense makes the fronts of Wheaties boxes. Offense gets shoe contracts. Offense is able to do all of that because it's fun to watch. A New England Patriots game is a whole lot less interesting if Tom Brady isn't under center. I mean, you do actually want to watch football, correct? You want to have the option to do that in your life? I ask because, without the Peyton Mannings of the world, the NFL probably wouldn't exist, so that career-ending knee injury you've been praying for (because that's how God and sports work) probably isn't the best thing. And besides, if you think allowing more violence is going to make the game more interesting, I'd like to remind you that we tried that, and it was a failure of spectacular proportions. [header_adambrown.jpg] Getty That cocky grin lasted about three weeks. In 2001, Vince McMahon had the bright idea to launch the XFL, a bastard version of the NFL that added the gimmicks and unmitigated violence of professional wrestling to the usual mix of play-action passes and halfback dives and such. It was like regular football, but ... manlier. Unfortunately, it was also painfully boring to watch. How could this be? For one thing, they allowed what's called bump and run coverage. That means a defensive back can hit a wide receiver any time at all before the quarterback releases the ball. And that, in turn, means the chances of anyone catching a pass are slim to none. Without a passing game, offense slows to a screeching halt. When that happens, which it totally did with the XFL, you're basically watching soccer. And as we all know, America collectively sighed and said "Man, fuck soccer" like a hundred years ago. We don't like it when the players are running around in spikes with exposed thighs, so we certainly aren't buying into it when everyone is padded to the hilt. Cry all you want about the NFL protecting quarterbacks and receivers, but it's never going to change, because the end result is a Super Bowl that ends with a score of 6-3, and nobody wants that shit. #3. The Days Before People Sent Text Messages [header_adambrown.jpg] Getty People love to reminisce about the days when folks talked in person or, at the very least, over the telephone instead of sending all of these obnoxious text messages. Everyone knows that one guy (always a guy, never a girl) who just flat-out refuses to send or reply to text messages. If you want to tell him you're on your way, you're going to have to make a phone call to do it. Even if this guy knows you're coming and to tell him is a mere formality, you must do it through the majesty of voice, he'll have it no other way. What They Aren't Thinking About You know what? Fuck that guy. Whether he realizes it or not, he's actively conspiring to make all of our lives a little bit more difficult. This is the technology equivalent of the old woman at the grocery store who steadfastly refuses to give up her decaying checkbook in favor of a newfangled debit card. And it's time for it to stop. [header_adambrown.jpg] Getty Above: A man wishing he was a real drug dealer. I understand not wanting to carry on an entire conversation via text message. We can't hammer out our feelings 160 characters at a time. Some things require actual human contact. But asking me to pick up ice on the way to your party is not one of those things. These exchanges of mundane information and requests are in no way enhanced by me fumbling around to hit the green button fast enough to hear your sweet voice. And besides, how fucking lonely are you that you miss the days when your dipshit cousin had to ask you if you know where to find weed in person? How deprived of human interaction have you become that exchanges like this now hold some kind of sentimental value for you? Rest assured, if any of this applies to you, your problem isn't technology, it's depression. Buy a cat and start sending text messages like a normal person before everyone stops communicating with you altogether. * Prev * Page 1 of 2 * Next * Facebook * Twitter * * * [zig.gif?Log=1&v=JT01.02&wa_wot=PLATFORM&ev=lnkimpression&wa_mp=photosh op&wa_page=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cracked.com%2Fblog%2F5-things-we-need-to-st op-feeling-nostalgic-for&r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&wa_l=http%3A %2F%2Fwww.cracked.com%2Fphotoplasty_994_27-sex-myths-you-need-to-stop-b elieving%2F;1|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cracked.com%2Fphotoplasty_793_16-insane- facts-about-making-everyday-products%2F;2|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cracked.com% 2Fphotoplasty_559_if-you-could-tell-companies-one-thing-about-their-pro ducts%2F;3&category=&wa_user1=319&wa_user2=Cracked+Photoshop&wa_user3=0 000000&wa_wsid=102&wa_un=2ebc0c91-cc41-4e14-a6d6-d0e29ad3ddb5&vid=14220 60362] [zig.gif?Log=1&v=JT01.02&wa_wot=PLATFORM&ev=lnkimpression&wa_mp=content &wa_page=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cracked.com%2Fblog%2F5-things-we-need-to-stop -feeling-nostalgic-for&r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&wa_l=http%3A%2 F%2Fwww.cracked.com%2Fblog%2F5-obnoxious-things-restaurants-need-to-sto p-doing%2F;4|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cracked.com%2Farticle_19447_6-arcade-game s-too-awesome-to-get-released-in-west.html;5|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cracked.c om%2Fblog%2F9-ludicrous-trends-in-advertising-well-never-see-again%2F;6 &category=&wa_user1=478&wa_user2=Cracked+Content&wa_user3=0000000&wa_ws id=102&wa_un=743e81ed-e2b6-4336-a59d-b875140c9975&vid=1422060362] Recommended For Your Pleasure * 27 Sex Myths You Need to Stop Believing 2,467,606 views * 16 Insane Facts About the Making of Everyday Products 775,614 views * If You Could Tell Companies One Thing About Their Products 580,931 views * 5 Obnoxious Things Restaurants Need to Stop Doing 1,143,393 views * 6 Arcade Games Too Awesome to Get Released in the West 968,675 views * 9 Ludicrous Trends In Advertising We'll Never See Again 963,595 views Adam Tod Brown * * Tweet * Rss More by Adam Tod Brown: * 6 Of the Happiest Songs Ever (Are About Death) January 22, 2015 | 336,600 Views * What 5 Dead Celebrities Would Be Up to Today January 15, 2015 | 322,589 Views * 5 Famous People We Didn't Hate Enough in 2014 January 08, 2015 | 838,004 Views See More Other Columnists: * Soren Bowie * Cody * Pauli Poisuo See More Add New Comment_____________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ To turn on reply notifications, click here Submit Comment 2,371 Comments Recent Votes You | Show Profanity (BUTTON) More Comments * [javascript] 17 Images That Will Ruin Your Childhood By David Wong 7,207,080 views * [javascript] 6 Myths Everyone Believes about Space (Thanks to Movies) By Jesse Clark, Pete Griffin 3,102,315 views * [javascript] The 7 Stupidest Things That Make People Proud By Christina H 2,132,925 views * [javascript] 5 Wildly Popular Car Modifications That Must Be Stopped By Christina H 1,460,618 views * [javascript] 5 Products that Will Be Exposed as B.S. in 2011 By Soren Bowie 1,198,617 views * [javascript] The Worst Skymall Products of All Time Posted: Yesterday * [javascript] Inside the Kinkiest Arthouse Film of the Year Posted: Yesterday * [javascript] Nice Guys Finish Last Is Horseshit According to Science Posted: Yesterday * [javascript] Conan O'Brien Takes a Jab at Bill Cosby Posted: Yesterday * [javascript] Old People Playing GTA Will Brighten Your Day Posted: Yesterday The Cracked Podcast * [javascript] 6 Upcoming Movies You Should Be More Excited About With Cracked Staff GO LISTEN * Recommended Podcasts * [javascript] Kyle and His Mother With Tig Notaro Kyle Dunnigan David Huntsberger GO LISTEN * [javascript] Al-Qaeda's NCAA Violations With Jason Sklar Randy Sklar GO LISTEN Popular Videos [363518_v1.jpg] Proof Han Solo Is Sort of an Idiot By Cody Johnston 2015-01-21 Why the 'Firefly' Crew Were the Bad Guys 314,124 views 5 Racist and Sexist Messages Hidden in Forrest Gump 190,027 views Why Scar Is Secretly the Good Guy in 'Lion King' 156,545 views Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen? 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