+ Is Altruism an Analgesic? + Is Attachment Insecurity Putting Your Sexual Health at Risk? + Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law: Boundary Ambiguity + Bigger Brains and Higher Peak Oxygen Uptake Go Hand in Hand -- + Is Altruism an Analgesic? + Is Attachment Insecurity Putting Your Sexual Health at Risk? + Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law: Boundary Ambiguity + Bigger Brains and Higher Peak Oxygen Uptake Go Hand in Hand * Essential Reads -- Mate, Relate and Communicate Have In-Law Issues? Become a united front. -- Source: Dmytro Zinkevych/Shutterstock Do you get along with your mother-in-law? If you answered “yes,” consider yourself part of a lucky minority. According to Cambridge University psychologist Terri Apter, three out of four couples “experience significant conflict with their in-laws,” with the mother-in-law (MIL)/daughter-in-law (DIL) relationship the trickiest. In her book What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, Apter shares that over 60 percent of women — versus just 15 percent of men — report having a negative relationship with their significant other’s mom. Descriptors used by DILs in capturing -- The most typical complaint DILs have of their MILs is that they are overbearing, pushy, and disrespectful of boundaries. Other reasons for unpleasant relations between parents-in-law and a daughter-in-law (or son-in-law, for that matter) include: * Pressure to have children — the number-one source of tension between a woman and her in-laws. * Older relatives trying to maintain their authoritative role in a household. -- While every situation is unique, with no article or book providing the exact recipe needed for repair, this post will look at how to manage a difficult parent-in-law relationship and seek to give couples, especially the DIL, guidance on how to become a united front in dealing with both the MIL and father-in-law. (While we don’t hear much about the father-in-law stirring up trouble, he often has his wife’s back, letting her get away with things, or exhibiting support in his reticence. In dealing with one, you’re also dealing with the other.) -- Becoming a United Front When a spouse has a problem with a parent-in-law, it is the couple’s problem, too. There is no dealing with the situation solo. Whether or not they agree on all aspects of the situation, couples need to become -- them with “I” statements (“I feel hurt when your mother…”). While tough, try to avoid being critical of your in-laws — criticism is likely to evoke a protective response instead of empathy. This is your spouse’s mother, somebody they love and think of fondly. You’re trying -- the norm in your circle of families, giving sound rationale for why you think that this is healthier or better than what you’re finding in engaging your in-laws. Allow your spouse the time he or she needs, within reason, to process everything and to unfold into their own autonomy. Hopefully, eventually, he or she will become less enmeshed in -- Regardless of whether or not your spouse recognizes an issue, if you have a problem with your in-laws, then it’s a problem that needs to be dealt with and likely a situation that needs to be changed. Be specific and clear about your issues, and how you would like things resolved — -- situation. Your spouse may not agree that there’s a problem, or he may want to manage things differently. You may need to negotiate how your in-laws will be a part of your lives, and how they will be put in their place. -- wheels, failing to make progress on the problem(s) as they only get worse. If necessary, consult with a licensed marriage and family therapist. In-law issues are too important not to get professional help. -- Healthy boundaries need to be a part of your talks on strategy and what’s communicated to your in-laws. Discuss your need for boundaries and come to an agreement on what those boundaries are regarding your in-laws. Brainstorm solutions, explicitly explaining how you’d like the matter handled. Have clearly defined limits and rules of engagement as far as what you’ll expect and accept. Then have your spouse convey -- No matter what the agreed-on strategy, your spouse needs to take responsibility for the situation, dealing directly with your in-laws about their behavior, and stepping in as the main point of contact. After all, these are his parents, and he needs to be the messenger in discussing issues and problems with them. (Likewise, you -- Both you and your spouse will need to modify your behavior in realizing the relations you want with your in-laws. After all, the only things that you can definitely change about the situation are your own feelings, moods, and behaviors — how you react. This includes you and your partner working towards changing systems of interaction and continuing to educate the parents on what will and won’t be tolerated. This further includes making your in-laws aware of the consequences, and providing them with incentives for behavior change. Only then will your in-laws possibly change as well. Enforce your boundaries as needed. -- disagreeable situation with a co-worker. If, however, your in-laws continue to disrespect your boundaries and wishes, you may need to approach them with a little less tact. Think of a boss putting an employee in his place. -- * 27COMMENTS In-law issues? Never! Submitted by Anonymous on October 14, 2013 - 11:58am -- Thanks for this Yvonne. I've never had in-law issues, I've always referred to them as "outlaw issues" :-) -- shouldn't have crossed, he won't talk to them about it. It isn't just me that has problems with my in-laws. My MIL told me that my SIL's DIL won't speak to them. -- * Quote Anom Unfair What We Tell the Wives To Accept From In Laws Submitted by Jean (Valley Wildcat) on December 17, 2013 - 1:40pm -- I find it difficult to agree with some of the suggestions in your article. It seems that more often than not, when giving advice to young married couples, we tell the daughter in law, to shut up, bite her tongue, and accept verbal and emotional disrespect from the husband's parents. This is grossly wrong. Why do we in this country always expect for the daughter in law to be the one to please inlaws, by bowing down, and giving in to her in laws? And does anyone besides me, realize that most of the inlaw problems, are the husband's parents? That's partially because the wife is usuallly so devoted, so loyal, to her husband, and -- others. Also, one of my suggestions for the in law disrespect problem, is for the wife to tell the husband that if he is not willing to stand up and require respect from his parents to her, then she will not be able to -- to sleep with a crude husband such as the one that I have described. I wouldn't let him touch me until he acts like he is supposed to as a man who respects his wife and does not allow in law abuse. We are always telling women to submit to their husbands' leadership, so he needs to man up and act like a real leader. Wives cannot do all the work!!. Karma is real Your comment: "try to avoid being critical of your in-laws, as criticism is likelier to evoke a protective response more than empathy. This is your spouse’s mother, somebody he loves and likely thinks of -- Finally, someone has said it. As a DIL whom is respectful, kind, and considerate to the in-laws, and have a grand MIL whom is disrespectful and often bullies us, especially when she is inebriated from alcohol (which is, during every visit), I -- * Quote Sophia Dispense with "in-law" connection. Submitted by Janer on August 3, 2019 - 6:30pm -- How - excuse this - primitive human is it to continue this false association, and, worse, pretend that it is a legal status. Unless someone can prove me wrong on this, "in-law" does not exist in law. It exists in culture - but, I again point out - this is the 21st century - isn't it? Blood family members DO NOT become blood family members. And, -- * Quote Janer I do not like my mother in law Submitted by Joanne Giordano on December 30, 2014 - 9:40am I agree with , valley wildcat , my mother in law is passive aggressive , and my husbands act like he never hears anything, it has cased problems, and at 83 still wicked, I really cant stand to look at her, -- Submitted by Misti on February 8, 2015 - 4:00pm I am at a crossroads on what to do with my in-laws. I've been with my husband for 8 years and they've (the mother) have been the biggest issue we've had from day one. It started with her moving him out of my -- had been doing- and the brother gleefully admitted it! It took that for my husband to realize that they were physiologicaly tormenting me. The in laws have never shown an interest in our children, only my husband. The children aren't allowed over unless my husband is there- birthdays are forgotten and ignored (they live 10 mins from us) while all they -- * Quote Misti in laws lol Submitted by mattie on February 20, 2016 - 2:13pm -- every name I the book. I've just recently set really clear boundaries and I'm willing to take any responsibility or the out come of these boundaries. I think the main thing for both dil and mil or in laws in general is to SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES AND STICK TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE, FOR YOUR OWN SANITY AND MARRIAGE-FAMILY. -- Amen, mattie. As my daughter is about to be married, I am attempting to find laws related to in-laws. I do not want to be one, not in theory. I'm not marrying the guy. I want no legal relationship whatsoever. Good grief. If the law isn't clear, would I be a grandmother-in-law to this guys kids? I need to talk to an attorney. * Reply to Janer -- Most of the time it is the MIL not accepting the DIL and not the other way around. DILs for the most part always try to please their in-laws as much as they could, for as long as possible, until they can no longer tolerate the treatment. -- We need to "put parents in their place" and "keep them in line"? This is such disrespectful language, and that's coming from the daughter-in-law! I understand and agree with the idea behind what you're trying to say, but the language used is going to justify and encourage any hateful attitude a daughter-in-law may have and that's not helpful. I had to stop reading when the author said the husband needed to put his mother in her place when she has been "caddy" or said something "bitchy"! So unprofessional. Cursing is uncalled for and the word you're looking for is "catty" not "caddy." I have been married for 13 years and have had plenty of in-law issues including the classic MIL/DIL issue and am happy to say that I have come to a beautiful relationship with all of my in-laws (parents are divorced so I have 2 sets)! The keys were lots of love & grace, patience (also known as long-SUFFERING - putting up with a lot), treating others the way you -- one-sided laundry list of complacency. I think the concern is that one should not have to shift their values and personalities to make their in-laws happy. Their child chose you as their spouse/partner for who you are. The sacrifices you make in your relationship with your SO, should have NOTHING to do with what your in-laws expect from you. I find it disturbing that one would shift their identity to please their MIL/FIL. And if your spouse thinks it should be that way, then they need to engage in the discussion with you and his/her parents. I speak from being a 20yr marriage in which my in-laws lack boundaries. Laying down the law worked and forming an alliance with my spouse made things more pleasant for all of us once my in-laws became respectful of boundaries. We all get along great now and respect one another as adults - without judgement. What is required is transparency. -- Every time I look for advice online all I ever find is advice catered to women who have mother-in-law issues. It's almost never from the husbands' perspective and often it doesn't apply to me or help me. -- * Quote Anon in laws Submitted by cressida longford on July 9, 2017 - 10:50pm I don't see my sister in law much and I am quite glad about that. She what ever the conversation piece is brings in about children or babies I am fed up with it. She also goes on about people's problems which not -- Submitted by nesta hughes on July 9, 2017 - 11:02pm I have the same dilemma Cressida as you. I ask my sister in law for some advice and got the Cold shoulder treatment. I have too listen. To her problems. Fed up. With her her remarks moved on thank goodness now. -- Yes,a unified front is absolutely necessary. Just be prepared for push-back from the in-laws. They won't easily back down! -- Remember roaches scatter in the light. Mother-in-law thinks you can't or won't call her out on her passive-aggressiveness. -- But stay aligned. Keep boundaries firm. Let your mother-in-law try her manipulative tactics. She's just a toddler having a tantrum. -- * Quote Winnie Rude Son-in-law Submitted by Frustrated Mother-in-law on November 8, 2017 - 12:42am I am at my wits end, everywhere there are articles about horrible mil, -- I am an emotional mess because I am so worried about my daughter and grandson. * Reply to Frustrated Mother-in-law * Quote Frustrated Mother-in-law I am glad I came across your -- Submitted by M on June 20, 2019 - 2:06am So what about if your mother in law STOLE MONEY out of your purse, steals from her family and they all know it but don’t stand up to her, stole from her fiancé who is a COP? What if your mother in law told her son he has to choose between her and you? What if your mother in law is a narcissistic lazy thief who plays it off like you’re the evil one because her parents never gave her consequences for her actions her whole life so she can’t own up to her shit? What if your mother in law is 48 years old and still lives at home with her parents because she chooses not to work and her parents enable her and she tries to borrow -- Submitted by Janer on August 3, 2019 - 6:20pm Please cite the laws of any state that declare that "in-law" has legal status. I can't find any. Dispensing with this non-legal "tie" would be a fine first step in ending the blitz that marriage too often creates. -- 10 Ways to Improve Any Relationship How to Handle Your Monster-in-Law 10 Tips for Surmounting In-Law Difficulties In-Law Blues No More 10 Ways to Have an Easier Relationship With Your In-Laws Involved In-Laws: A Blessing or a Curse? It's Not All Your Mother-in-law's Fault advertisement