+ Is Altruism an Analgesic? + Is Attachment Insecurity Putting Your Sexual Health at Risk? + Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law: Boundary Ambiguity + Bigger Brains and Higher Peak Oxygen Uptake Go Hand in Hand -- + Is Altruism an Analgesic? + Is Attachment Insecurity Putting Your Sexual Health at Risk? + Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law: Boundary Ambiguity + Bigger Brains and Higher Peak Oxygen Uptake Go Hand in Hand * Essential Reads -- Domestic Intelligence In-law Conflict and Troubled Marriages The same signals that bond parent and child also bond partners. -- the state of our marriage. But this, I have found, is precisely what happens, over and over again, when conflict arises between us and our in-laws. It starts with love—our first love. Couples often come together with a -- said that the family is in decline, the bond between parent and child (and grandchild) remains as strong and as enduring as ever. A parent-in-law may be loving, but this love is rarely unconditional. A parent's conspicuous and continual assessment of a son's or daughter's spouse, combined with vulnerability ("How will my child's marriage impact on my special relationship?"), form the bedrock of the ancient conflict between in-laws. The person who wants to be both a loyal spouse and a loyal son or daughter can experience a dilemma that can rock a marriage to its roots, and this is one reason it is important to understand the intricacies of in-law relationships. Among the 49 couples who participated in my research, I was surprised -- are you on?" she demands. When Shelley felt her mother-in-law, Nora, was excluding her from family gatherings, and instead showing preference for her husband Cal's former wife, she decided to "talk the issue through" with Nora. This -- suddenly change sides, without warning, and freeze you out. . . it's an awful feeling. Nothing is lonelier than dealing with an angry mother-in-law. I now wonder whether we have a marriage at all." Shelley's implicit plea to Cal is, "I am hurt and you are my husband, -- risk, but men who try to avoid the dilemma are unlikely to achieve a happier outcome. Luisa describes a furious quarrel with her husband, Eric, that occurred when she felt that her mother-in-law was particularly rude to her. "I shouted at him till I was blue in the face, but he just froze and went for a drive. When he came back, he -- but gives the power of veto to his wife Melissa. "I'll come, unless Mel says it's not possible," he tells his mother. Melissa feels she is being cast as domineering wife and grudging daughter-in-law. "I wish you'd just decide for yourself," she tells him. "I wish you'd tell her, at least once, that you'd really prefer to spend the weekend with me." -- wife. Whose side are you on?" In-law relationships are not simple. Balancing loyalties, drawing boundaries between ourselves and the people we love, and resisting the self-protective biases that blind us to our own unfairness are all essential to prevent in-law conflict from overwhelming a marriage—and to silence those cries of "Whose side are you on?" -- * Quote John B Are in-law problems gendered? Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on February 7, 2010 - 3:32pm John - I agree that in-law problems are shaped by the way a partner responds to her or his own parents. A woman may be dominated by her parents to the extent that she is unable to form a fair and equal -- not affect a marriage than men were, and that men sometimes actually hoped a wife would do the distancing work on their behalf. But to say that a problem is more likely to occur between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law does not not mean it only occurs between them. The nub of the problem, as you say, is between child and parent, whether male or female. -- Yes unfortunately that's me. My parents are my best friends, lifeline and mega influences in my life in general yet they love me unconditionally which is something my in-laws don't and won't do, my parents loved my ex husband like a son and were good to him, yet when the shoe was on the other foot, I was not treated with any support with -- * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. son in law Submitted by marta rothstein on July 7, 2012 - 7:53pm Apparently my son in law has a problem with me. My daughter recently had a premature baby. They live in another state, and I have been to visit them once or twice in the past, their house is very old and quite frankly a wreck in a not so great neighborhood. My son in law works nights. This visit will be my last, I went to help my daughter at her request, but it seems my son in law resents anything I do (like cleaning)getting her car fixed, staying with her at the hospital so he could work, etc. I used all my vacation time, spent alot of money and -- speaking to one another before I left. My daughter tried to be neutral and as a new Mom she could have cared less, she definitely didn't get the cleaning gene. I told my son in law,his attitude was ridiculous, he claims I disrespected him in his house. So I booked a flight and came home after 3 weeks. No thanks was ever given and I'm hurt but I know I -- * Quote Jean (Valley Wildcat) A disrespectful son in law Submitted by Anonymous on March 28, 2014 - 6:43pm I don't agree with the person who remarked that your son in law was right. He seems really selfish and as your daughter asked you to come to help I would think he would be happy for you to come and help her. -- Okay, she can be right but lonely. How about letting the daughter and son-in-law set the boundaries and tell her what "help" they require. I am quite familiar with the "I am only trying to help" response from my own mother which usually entails her taking over and making decisions -- Your recollection of events is a clear indicator of why you have problems with you son-in-law. From your account of affairs you did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong - he is portrayed as some ingrate villain who is unable to recognize and even has the audacity to be upset at your -- Submitted by Anonymous on July 26, 2014 - 7:09pm Why would you even think your son in law will thank you? You invaded their privacy. No matter how FILTHY their house is, that is his humble abode and you have no right to intrude. DO YOUR CHILD A FAVOR, STAY OUT -- I am not convinced that the behaviours I have witnessed from my mother in law are just about competition or disliking me, it seems to be more about who she is, her personality Whatever it is that comes between her and the limelight has to be -- attitudes,always looking to manipulate and take advantage for her own ends, telling lies and deceiving, whatever the cost to others to get her own way are not just about the age old mother in law/daughter in law conflict. This person has some serious issues beyond that * Reply to Anonymous -- Submitted by Anonymous on October 13, 2009 - 9:49pm In response to the above comment, I totally agree. My mother-in-law told me the day of our wedding that I was not family, would never be considered family, and to stay away from her and her family. -- * Quote Anonymous in-law conflict Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on January 8, 2010 - 5:52am I agree that some people have narcissistic needs that make all relationships difficult. Whether as an in-law or a grandparent or a friend, some people crave attention to the extent that they run a kind of destructive interference when anyone else comes into play. One common pattern of in-law conflict, however, is competition over status within the family. Indeed, competition is often over that status, rather than over possession of the child/spouse. In-law relationships have a tendency to heighten narcissistic anxiety, so even normally responsive people sometimes behave unreasonably as they claim attention or regard and resent the attention or regard received by an in-law. When someone is generally demanding of "star" status, comfortable in-law relationships will be extremely difficult to secure. * Reply to Terri Apter Ph.D. * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. in law conflict Submitted by Anonymous on March 28, 2014 - 6:48pm I have a narcissistic daughter in law and she has created a lot of stress in our family. She is not really that well liked but my son thinks the sun shines on her. She lies and she gets angry and snaps at -- Well, the examples u have given very much reflect my marriage.. Mother in law is out right rude, sis and brother in laws unconditionally jealous of me..When i try to tell this to my husband he gives a deaf ear or utters something like 'they are always right in treating u like -- too behaves as if I am the villian who is continuously finding problems with his family.. on the contrary, I hide things from my husband.. i never talk about my in-laws bad behaviour towards me.. his family keeps talking bullcrap about my family.. about people of the state I belong to.. they are always ill-mouthed regarding my matters. His family and -- Submitted by Anonymous on January 27, 2010 - 11:38pm After observing, listening and contemplating on my mother-in-law's behavior over the span of 29 years, not only toward me, but others who are "outside the fold," I can only say this: she is a harsh woman. From -- Innocently enough, when I first began dating my husband I believed that she would accept me - this has never proved true. She is critical about many people... her husband's family, her daughter's in-laws, neighbors, even her own friends...very few people are spared her judgment. Interestingly enough, when she says something that is disrespectful to -- I have already figured out what I will say when she dies: "I learned a lot from ______ about how to be a good mother-in-law." * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous mother-in-laws Submitted by Anonymous on February 21, 2010 - 6:46am This continual negativism towards in-laws correlates to the problem of Grandparents being denied access to their grandchildren. Some of what I read here is that couples simply want to be left on their own to get on -- shows their children lack of respect not only for grandparents and older people, but lack of respect in general and intolerance. It is when you have a son or daughter in law, who through sheer spite decideds they want the in-laws/grandparents out of the way, it is sometimes simply for selfish reasons and begrudging grandchildren the opportunity to have what could be a loving warm relationship in an -- The media and experts are constanly decrying the extended family, and the law dismisses any legal right to grandparents, who in law are simply deemed "significant others". As someone who had a loving warm relationship with my grandparents and showed respect to my in-laws, as did my own children with my parents. I just find it really sad that contemporary family life is not able to celebrate the positive outcomes of grandparents/in-laws * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous In-laws and grandparents Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on March 5, 2010 - 5:47am Your comment has inspired me to post a new blog on the importance of grandparents and to put in-law relationships in the context of family bonds across generations. I hope this addresses your concerns and I look forward to your comments on my next blog -- * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. In-laws and grandparents Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on March 5, 2010 - 5:47am Your comment has inspired me to post a new blog on the importance of grandparents and to put in-law relationships in the context of family bonds across generations. I hope this addresses your concerns and I look forward to your comments on my next blog -- shouldn't just be thrown away for selfish reasons, etc. But there are many people (my family included) that couldn't deal with the disrespect that my in-laws constantly gave us. We did try to work it out (not at first in the best way possible), but we kept trying and were unable to get them to understand that they had crossed really big boundaries of -- narcissistic personality disordered person. It has taken years, and I mean years of therapy and self help to fully understand, come to terms with, and just be "ok" with myself. Normal in-law problems are expected. However when dealing with a narcissistic, personality disordered individual, things are entirely different. Anyone who has -- All of this having been said, I could be completely wrong but you don't sound like someone (in my perception) who has any real experience in dealing with a truly personality disordered mother or mother in-law. These people are just flat out harmful to have in your life. So you'll forgive me for not sharing your sympathy for 'poor gramma". No. No, no -- on his parenting style and the relationships within our family. Despite the problems my mother in law caused us, I never denied her access to the grandchildren, but had to be guarded about the way she tried to manipulate them to do her will. It was often a balancing act. -- * Quote Anonymous Mother-in-Law wants primary relationship with kids Submitted by Anonymous on April 3, 2010 - 10:58am My mother-in-law seems to want her relationship with our children to be primary within the extended family on her side of the family in comparison to my children's aunt (mother-in-law's daughter), cousins, uncle (mother-in-law's son) and grandfather and step-grandmother (former husband and wife of many years). I can understand the competition with her former husband and his wife, but not with her own -- children favor playing with his children. My spouse was upset because the siblings backed down and made other arrangements for the holiday and only my mother-in-law attended. Thus canceling the large family gathering almost everyone had hoped for. -- so I struggle to understand how family holiday dinners on my spouses side don't include all of the family. In addition, if it was our invitation to everyone, why does the mother-in-law feel she has the right to take back our invitation from others? * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous In-laws! Submitted by Anonymous on July 14, 2010 - 6:34pm The problem that my husband and I have with our in-laws isn’t my mother-in-law...I get along with her (somewhat) ok. The problem lies with my husband’s father, brother and sister in law. My husband (who is 35) CANNOT make a decision about us or our family without first consulting his dad. His dad however takes what ever private info he -- family. Then they all huddle together and relish in our strife. My husband doesn’t see anything wrong with this and says that that’s what families do! My father in law is also a male chauvinistic pig that cheated on my mother in law for 30 years. He disrespects women, says terrible things about women and has no regard or resects for our marriage. When my husband is with his dad, his dad will actually "look" -- any of this is wrong and refuses to listen to how I feel. He always turns a blind ear. Right now I’m to the point of leaving! His brother and sister in law are so extremely jealous of our two boys, that when we do get a chance to visit my husband’s family (about once a year) they will get mad if my mother in-law (father in-law could care less about our kids) shows our boys any attention or affection saying that they are favored over “their” kids. Then, for the rest of our vacation -- Submitted by Anonymous on January 29, 2013 - 10:32am Chai, how did you handle the situation with your in laws and is it still going on? * Reply to Anonymous -- Perhaps the odd hand out on the comments, I seem to have sucessfully limited my Mother In Law's (MIL) access and control over my husband. It might have something to do with being the latest in a series of 11 daughter in laws (no, she didn't have that many kids, some of them have remarried) -- that almost all girls face. Dealing with them is not very tough provided you pay attention to a few things.. http://howrelationshipswork.blogspot.com/2011/05/in-laws-issues-now-sol ved.html * Reply to Richa Kumar * Quote Richa Kumar No Support from In Laws Submitted by Liz on July 13, 2011 - 11:24pm My mother and father in law have made it fairly obvious (to me) that they did not like me being with their son from when things started to get serious. They even told him to have a fling while he was overseas -- Further Thoughts on Social Media and the Well-Being of Teens Improving Relationships With Your In-Laws 3 Rules for Getting Along With Your In-Laws Involved In-Laws: A Blessing or a Curse? 10 Tips for Surmounting In-Law Difficulties 10 Ways to Have an Easier Relationship With Your In-Laws Competing for Love -- It's about more than just you and me. 6 Rules For Happy Daughter-in-Laws Troubles With In-Laws? Your Mate's Family 5 Tips for Winning Over Your In-Laws advertisement