Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 16 May 2016 I am dealing with a tricky set-up at home. My elderly father-in-law, 80, has come to live with us in the last six months as he’s not in good enough health to live on his own any more, and my husband and I wanted -- either and I am trying to be kind, but it’s been a real change of dynamic in our house and it’s particularly trying because he’s my in-law rather than my own parent and so it’s hard to speak to him directly about it. Help! Name supplied -- In your particular dynamic, I trust there is still a sense that you are dealing with this alongside your husband as a team – if not, he is the first person you need to speak to, not your father-in-law. I wonder whether your father-in-law is falling short of his own best self, if he also resents losing his independence. I look at my mother, struggling for equanimity in a care home, and ask whether I would rise -- relationships I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law get on with your in-laws relationships How do you manage the in-laws? by Psychologies -- sibling Have a good relationship with your in-laws Submitted by danielle.woodward on 2 July 2015 -- THE PROJECT What’s your reaction to the term ‘mother-in-law’? If it’s negative, you’re not alone. Research says that 75 per cent of couples have in-law problems and 60 per cent of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law bonds are ‘draining’ or ‘simply awful’. THE AIM In What Do You Want From Me? Learning To Get Along With In-laws (WW Norton, £10.99), Terri Apter writes, ‘In-law problems are never simple and never involve simply two people.’Failure to manage in-law relationships may put your long-term happiness at risk. -- From her research, Apter found that vulnerability is often behind bad in-law behaviour; a fear that we’re not appreciated or don’t belong. If we feel rejected or criticised, a common response is to reject and criticise in return. Added to this is the issue that most of us find it easier to see other people’s faults than our own and that we may be less empathetic and less fair with our in-laws than we are with our own families. Our partner’s family may also be very different to our own. Apter points out, ‘We tend to choose a partner who offers something our -- NOW TRY IT OUT Difficult in-law relationships need to be successfully managed to prevent them damaging your relationship with your partner. If tricky in-laws are a problem for you or your partner, here are a few suggestions: * Don’t insist a partner chooses between you and your parent-in-law. Instead, help them build a bond with their parent. * Empathise with your partner. If they’re struggling with one or both -- partner in front of your parents and don’t engage in any critical conversations behind their backs. * Show appreciation to your in-laws and reassure them. Also, take time to listen to them and get to know them. * Own your responses. Aim to look at a problem without worrying about -- relationships in-law relationships relationships In-laws or out-laws? What is it about ‘Shall we visit my parents over the holidays?’ that -- by Psychologies get on with your in-laws relationships How do you manage the in-laws? packed suitcase relationships I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law mother and daughter relationship -- by Psychologies * Read more about Have a good relationship with your in-laws Our families disapprove of our relationship -- * Read more about Test: What's your power behaviour with family? I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 9 February 2015 -- past few years, there is something of a feeling that ‘this might be the last time’. My family don’t get a look-in on Christmas Day because of the fact that we might not have much longer with my mother-in-law, so although we spend a lot of time together as a couple, I feel like my husband could just explain to his mother that we made a mistake when we -- It sounds as if you want me to take sides, so you can say to your husband and your mother-in-law ‘See? This is the right thing to do’. I’m really intrigued that you believe this one definite right thing exists. -- is both sincere and generous. This is what I would like to see happen in reality (but it is my fantasy script): you and/or your husband visit your mother-in-law and say: ‘I can’t believe we forgot your birthday. How can we make it up to you? Do you want us to cancel our holiday?’ Then maybe she says, ‘Don’t be silly, this way I can have at least two -- relationships get on with your in-laws relationships How do you manage the in-laws? Parenting can be tough, says Ilona Boniwell, and managing your own parents and in-laws can be tougher. But with careful negotiation and respect, you can create happy family relations -- by Psychologies * Read more about I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law What kind of parent are you? -- * Read more about What kind of parent are you? How do you manage the in-laws? Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 21 October 2014 get on with your in-laws When I became a mother to my first two sons I was young and, to be -- unprepared I was for the 24-7, all the nights in, having to combine study, work and childcare in my early twenties, as well as managing parents and in-laws. To this day, I turn green with envy when I hear a couple describing -- to miss this golden middle and end up with the two extremes instead? As far as my in-laws are concerned (both in my first and second marriages), I ended up with the detached scenario. They like their grandkids well enough to enjoy the photos and hand out a £20 Christmas present, but that’s it. Understandable, as my first mother-in-law had four boys she raised almost single-handedly while her husband spent his life at sea. As mother-in-law, she was pleasant, never curious about anything that didn’t concern her directly, and very clear in her boundaries. If we popped by unannounced as my in-laws were about to have dinner, they’d offer us a cup of tea and a sofa to wait on while they finished. It would never dawn on them to offer us a bite to eat on -- how we should treat their minor coughs and colds. My ex still blames my family for our divorce and even had therapy to overcome his in-law-related trauma. Some of us are blessed with close and respectful family ties, others -- relationships in-law relationships relationships In-laws or out-laws? What is it about ‘Shall we visit my parents over the holidays?’ that -- by Psychologies * Read more about How do you manage the in-laws? subscribe to Psychologies