PMID: 23794954 In-law Relationships Before and After Marriage Karen L. Fingerman, Megan Gilligan, Laura VanderDrift, and Lindsay -- Abstract Relationships with in-laws play an important role in individuals’ lives, but we do not know how these ties are formed. We considered two pathways through which early relationships with mothers-in-laws may affect subsequent in-law relationship qualities: a) dimensions of the early relationship and, b) beliefs and expectations of the future relationship. Sixty men and women engaged to be married and their mothers (N = 240) completed interviews prior to, and 6 to 8 months following the wedding. Measures at Time 1 assessed three dimensions of the in-law relationship: a) behavioral (contact by phone, in person), b) emotional (positive and negative relationship qualities), and c) cognitive (knowledge about the other person). Participants also described positive and negative expectations of their future tie. Multilevel models revealed that dimensions of the tie prior to the marriage were associated with post-wedding in-law relationship qualities. When the parties had individual contact with one another and positive feelings before the wedding, ties were stronger following the wedding. Data from open-ended descriptions of negative expectations obtained before the wedding predicted negative relationship qualities after the wedding. Husbands, wives, and mothers-in-law showed similar patterns with regard to relationship qualities. Discussion focuses on the role of early emotional qualities of the in-law tie for subsequent in-law relationships. Keywords: mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, intergenerational relationships, romantic relationship Most Americans consider relationships with in-laws important (Fingerman & Hay, 2002; Santos & Levitt, 2007). The significance of these relationships is evident in many facets of life, including the quality -- (Fischer, 1983; Morr Serewicz, 2006). Yet, a content analysis of studies published in family and relationship journals revealed that fewer than 1% examined in-law ties (Fingerman & Hay, 2002). This study fills a significant gap in the literature by examining the formation of in-law ties. Dynamics of the early in-law relationships may help explain subsequent in-law relationship qualities. Several features of the formation of the tie are distinct. In-law ties are non-voluntary (Morr Serewicz & Hosmer, 2011), arise in adulthood, and are predicated on a third party (i.e., the romantic partner; Rittenour & Soliz, 2009; Sechrist, Suitor, Kim, & Pillemer, 2011). The in-law tie involves a formal demarcation not evident in friendships or many other ties, a discrete ritual—the wedding. Before the marriage, the individuals may have a relationship, but the “in-law” label is acquired when the spouses marry. Mothers-in-law warrant special consideration because they are more involved with married children and children-in-law (Fingerman & Hay, 2002; Fischer, 1983; Lee, Spitze, & Logan, 2003), and engage in more frequent contact with the couple (Willson, Shuey, & Elder, 2003) than fathers-in-law. Stereotypes stemming back 50 years portray the mother-in-law as the most problematic family tie (Duvall, 1954; Merrill, 2007). As a result, mothers-in-law evoke stronger emotional reactions than fathers-in-law (Willson et al., 2003). In sum, this study included romantic couples and each of their mothers-in-law. We collected data a few months before, and a few months after the wedding. We considered two pathways through which early relationships may affect subsequent relationship qualities: a) dimensions of the early relationship and, b) expectations of the future relationship. Behaviors, emotions, and cognitions evident while the tie is formed may persist in subsequent in-law ties. Further, individuals’ expectations of the tie may shape future relationship qualities. Dimensions of the Early In-Law Relationship Although relationships with in-laws share some characteristics of relationships with parents, ties to in-laws must be formed in adulthood and do not share the long history of parent/child ties. Theorists have identified factors during the “getting acquainted” stage that may -- about the other (emotional), and they must acquire basic information about the other (cognitive). These dimensions are not discrete, but serve as a heuristic for studying the formation of in-law ties. Behavior in the relationship -- (1974) argued that several behavioral conditions are necessary for an “acquaintance” to become a close relationship, particularly regarding contact. Two specific conditions apply to in-law ties: opportunities to get together (i.e., repeated encounters to develop trust) and a degree of privacy (to allow formation of intimacy). For in-law ties, contact may occur due to a close tie between the child and his or her own mother, rather than the in-law’s desire to be with the future mother-in-law. Thus, it is important differentiate contact in general (that may include one’s romantic partner) from contact that occurs alone with the in-law. Here, we considered whether the bride and groom had met their future in-law, how often they visited in person and by phone, and whether they visited individually or with the romantic partner present. We expected parties that had more frequent contact, particularly solo contact -- over time. Early positive and negative qualities of romantic ties tend to persist into later years of marriage (Huston, Caughlin, Houts, Smith & George, 2001). Similarly, emotional qualities of early in-law ties may endure. In retrospective studies, individuals report continuities in qualities of ties to in-laws from the early relationship to years after marriage (Merrill, 2007; Prentice, 2008). Family systems theory also suggests it is difficult to alter established emotional patterns -- 1998). Because the in-law tie involves a third party, relationships could evolve in the absence of basic knowledge of one another. We expected the amount of personal information (e.g., birthdate, childhood history) -- internalized and unconsciously shape subsequent outcomes (Levy, Chung, & Canavan, 2011). In the US, stereotypes and media portrayals of mothers-in-law are predominantly pejorative (Duvall, 1954; Merrill, 2007). If individuals embrace negative expectations of their future in-law, the tie may manifest negative qualities. In this study, we focused on expectations of the actual relationship rather than broader stereotypes about in-laws. More specifically, we drew on the possible selves literature. -- Individuals may hold positive and negative expectations of how their in-law ties will develop and change once the wedding takes place. Based on stereotypes and media presentations of mothers-in-law (Merrill, 2007), brides and grooms may harbor fears that the other party will be intrusive and critical. Mothers-in-law may worry about exclusion by the child-in-law (Morr Serewicz, & Hosmer, 2011). Such worries may be associated with negative relationship qualities after the wedding. By contrast, a study of the in-law tie found most children and mothers-in-law described the early relationship with positive expectations (Turner, Young, & Black, 2006). The hope for a warm and close relationship may manifest in stronger bonds after the wedding. -- Other Variables Associated with Relationship Patterns We also considered variables associated with differences in in-law ties. Brides, grooms and their future mothers-in-law may approach this tie with distinct expectations, emotions, and behaviors due to their generation, gender, or individual characteristics. -- typically values the intergenerational relationship more than the younger generation (Bengtson & Kuypers, 1971; Fingerman, 2001; Martini, Grusec, & Bernardini, 2001). Similarly, mothers-in-law may be more knowledgeable of their future child-in-law, rate the relationship more positively, and have more positive expectations of the tie. Differences also may be evident in ties involving sons- versus daughters-in-law. Wives typically feel closer to their mothers than husbands feel to their own mothers and likely assimilate their husbands into their own family (Lopata, 1999; Santos & Levitt, 2007). Additionally, parents-in-law rate ties to sons-in-law more positively than ties to daughters-in-law (Fingerman, 2004). The shared gender between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law may heighten emotions (Kivett, 1989; Willson et al., 2003). Due to these differences, the bride’s mother and groom may begin the relationship with more positive -- Third party relationship factors also might influence ties. The period of courtship prior to engagement varies, and some in-laws may be recently acquainted whereas others may have known one another for years. Therefore, we considered how long the party had known the in-law. Further, because the ties are triadic in nature (Morr Serewicz, 2006) the quality of the partner’s relationship with his or her own parent may influence the in-law tie. Structural factors also influence relationships. Distance may affect the ability to get together with in-laws in person (Lawton, Silverstein, & Bengtson, 1994). Higher levels of education are associated with both increased distance between generations and increased support exchanges (Henretta, Grundy, & Harris, 2002). Therefore, it is important to consider education’s effects on the in-law relationship as well. In sum, this study prospectively examined the formation of the in-law tie by collecting data from couples engaged to be married and each of their mothers. We predicted that: a) early behavioral, emotional, and -- Self rated health ^a 3.90 (0.80) 4.05 (0.83) 4.03 (0.78) 3.95 (0.87) Distance to mother- in-law in miles 305.67 (759.67) 253.34 (447.35) -- -- Months has known mother-in-law 34.46 (29.22) 29.47 (20.11) -- -- Proportions African American .05 .03 .05 .03 -- and 2. At Time 1, the bride and groom answered questions regarding their romantic relationship, their own mother, and their relationship with their future mother-in-law. Mothers answered questions about relationships with their own child and future child-in-law. At Time 2, interviews included similar or follow up questions from Time 1. Participants received $15 for each interview. -- Dependent Variables In-law relationship quality At Time 2, participants completed the 12-item Relationship Qualities Scale (Newsom, Morgan, Nishishiba, & Rook, 2000) with regard to their in-law. Six items assess positive qualities of the relationship and six items assess negative qualities of the relationship. The six positive items were used to create a positive relationship quality scale that -- negative items were used to create a negative relationship quality scale that ranged from 6–22 (M = 7.84, SD = 2.90, α = .86). Example items included: “How often has your [mother-in-law / daughter/son-in-law] acted warm or affectionate toward you?” “How often has your [mother-in-law / daughter/son-in-law] done favors or other little things for you?” “How often has your [mother-in-law / daughter/son-in-law] not given you help when you wished he/she would?” and “How often has your [mother-in-law / daughter/son-in-law] acted angry or hostile toward you?” Responses to these questions ranged from 1 (never) to 5 (always). Dimensions of In-law Relationships Behavioral dimensions At Time 1, we asked whether participants had met their future in-law (1 = yes, 0 = no) and if so, how long they had known them. Most participants (98.75%) had met their future in-laws, but two grooms had not. Participants indicated they had known the in-law from one month to 16 years (M = 2.51 years, SD = 1.86 years). We assessed frequency of in-person and telephone contact with both the mother or own child and the future in-law in the past year using a scale of 1 (never), 2 (once), 3 (2 to 5 Times), 4 (6 to 10 Times), 5 (more than 10 Times). We refer to these indicators as “general -- Cognitive dimension We assessed familiarity with the in-law prior to the wedding. At Time 1, participants answered 18 questions regarding their own mother/child and their future in-law. For example, the bride and groom reported their mother’s and mother-in-law’s marital status, occupation, whether her parents were currently living, and so forth. Coders scored the number of questions the participants answered correctly, using the -- Participants rated the quality of their relationship with their future in-law at Time 1. The first item, “How would you rate the overall quality of your relationship with your mother-in-law at this Time?” was rated 1 (poor) to 5 (excellent). Three other items “How much do you like your mother-in-law?”, “Think of your ideal image of a mother-in-law. To what extent does your mother-in-law fit that image?”, and “How much do you think your mother-in-law likes you?” were rated 1 (not at all) to 5 (very much), for the 4 items, α = .85. -- Participants responded to open-ended questions about positive changes and problems in their relationships with their in-law. At Time 1, we asked: a) “Marriage introduces new opportunities for you in your relationship with your in-laws. What do you expect to like best about your relationship with your mother-in-law after you are married?” and b) “Marriage also introduces challenges dealing with your in-laws as you establish a new life. What do you expect to be the biggest problem in your relationship with your mother-in-law as a result of your marriage?” Questions were altered to address the appropriate party (e.g,. daughter-in-law). We transcribed participants’ answers verbatim during the interview. The -- In analyses, for continuous outcomes, we used multilevel modeling in SAS PROC MIXED due to possible dependence in responses among family members. That is, sons-in-law and their mothers-in-law would be expected to report frequency of contact scores that are highly correlated, the couple’s reports of quality of tie to the reciprocal mother-in-law might be correlated and so forth. By taking into account the dependence among the individual responses within the same family, we estimated standard errors more accurately. MLM accounts for -- Analyses controlled for participants’ ages, education level, relationship duration with the mother/child in-law, and physical distance between mother-in-law and child in-law. We also controlled for the quality of the relationship between the mother and her own child. -- Descriptive Overview of Variables Dimensions of the in-law relationship Table 3 presents the descriptive information for each family member reporting on his/her relationship with his/her in-law. As can be seen in Table 3, family members reported having contact 6 to 10 Times in the past year. Over half of family members reported having contact with the future in-law alone (as opposed to with the romantic partner present). Participants generally rated the quality of their relationship high at Time 1. Average scores for participants’ knowledge of their in-laws was 75% correct (SD = .14). In comparison, average knowledge of their own child or mother was higher, 89% correct (SD = .07); paired t = 15.07, p -- Table 3 Descriptive Information for Dimensions of In-Law Relationships at Time 1 and In-Law Relationship Qualities at Time 2 by Family Member Variable Wife n = 60 Husband -- Preliminary analyses examined within family differences with regard to all Time 1 predictors and Time 2 relationship qualities. Predictor variables were generation (1 = mother-in-law, 0 = child-in-law), participant gender (1 = male, 0 = female), and side of family (1 = bride or bride’s mom, 0 = groom or groom’s mom). With control variables, multilevel models (i.e., SAS 9.2 PROC MIXED) revealed no difference between the family members, i.e. either mother-in-law, sons and daughters, on the cognitive predictor quiz score, or the affective predictor (relationship quality) at Time 1, or positive and negative -- We also examined the open-ended responses. As can be seen in Table 2, many participants described expectations of a closer relationship with their in-laws. Some of these responses referred to gaining a new parent or child. A bride commented, “…it’s just like having another mother that I’m close enough to that I can confide in.” Other responses -- A second dominant positive theme involved relationships other than the in-law tie, especially future grandchildren. A bride sought advice, “…My fiancé has a bigger family and I was an only child. We plan to have more children like her family and learn from her.” Some participants commented on the marital tie (rather than the in-law tie). A groom’s mother stated, “…They look forward to starting a new life together and I think it is pretty exciting. She makes him happy and so -- changes. One bride explained, “….I think our relationship will grow more because she’ll want to talk more since she doesn’t really get along with her other daughter-in-laws very well.” Several participants indicated they did not expect changes, particularly grooms, “…Just because you get married doesn’t mean there has to be tons of changes. -- Another dominant problem theme involved autonomy. A groom expressed this concern, “The biggest challenge will be to have her trust us enough to know that we can do things on our own.” Mothers-in-law were aware of stereotypes they hoped to avoid. A groom’s mother explained, “…and I don’t want to butt in and I want to be sensitive to them and -- problems is if they think I am imposing.” In-law Relationship Quality at Time 2 We estimated models to ascertain whether pre-wedding relationship -- Positive relationship quality Table 4 shows that general contact with the in-law (i.e., contact with the romantic partner present) at Time 1 was significantly negatively associated with Time 2 positive relationship quality. By contrast, Time -- Table 4 In-law Relationship Quantitative Measures at Time 1 Predict Time 2 Relationship Quality^e Positive Relationship -- Age −0.02 0.02 −0.03^* 0.01 Education 0.07 0.10 −0.06 0.07 Distance to in-law 0.00 0.00 0.00 0.00 Relationship duration with in-law 0.00 0.01 0.00 0.01 Relationship quality with own mother/child 0.19^* 0.08 −0.01 0.05 -- Negative relationship quality At Time 2, general contact with the in-law (b = 0.83, p < .01) was significantly associated with negative relationship quality. By contrast, Time 1 positive relationship quality (b = −1.91, p < .001) -- relationship would not grow closer, and b) situations involving other parties (see Table 5). Our initial predictions had included concerns about autonomy or intrusion by the mother-in-law, but these concerns were not associated with poorer relationship quality at Time 2. -- Age −0.04^** 0.01 −0.04^** 0.01 Education −0.06 0.08 −0.08 0.08 Distance to in-law 0.00 0.00 0.00 0.00 Relationship duration with in-law 0.00 0.01 0.00 0.01 Relationship quality with own mother/child −0.09 0.06 −0.09 0.06 -- associated with poorer quality relationships at Time 2. Some concerns pertained to the romantic relationship. For example, a bride worried her mother-in-law would side with the groom in an argument, “…and if James and I get in a fight…then I think it might be a sticky situation…she might want to take his side when we are in an argument….” -- mother lamented that she might not have grandchildren, “They don’t want any kids and so that would be a place we could bond, but we won’t be able to.” A groom mentioned the relationship between his mother-in-law and his wife’s sibling, “The conflict between her treating my fiancé differently than her sister…. That is a problem between them and -- Finally, it is possible that qualities of the couple’s relationship shape the in-law relationship. We assessed the quality of the couple’s relationship after the wedding. We found that couple’s relationship was significantly associated with both positive and negative in-law relationship quality in bivariate tests. When we added this variable as a covariate to the models presented in Tables 4 and ​and5,5, however, -- significant before remained significant, and those predictors that were non-significant before remained non-significant). Thus, more factors pertaining to the in-law relationship (contact, feelings of affection) shape this relationship above and beyond the marital tie. -- This study presents unique data examining the formation of mother-in-law and child-in-law relationships over time from the perspective of four family members. Findings support retrospective studies of the in-law tie that have found early emotional qualities are associated with reported relationship qualities after marriage (Merrill, 2007; Prentice, 2008). We found that early relationship qualities and contact alone with the future in-law facilitated better relationships after the wedding. Individuals’ beliefs about positive changes in the future relationship did not appear to set the stage for -- Relationship Qualities and Expectations The majority of brides, grooms, and mothers-in-law did not endorse negative feelings about their in-law relationships portrayed in media images and cultural stereotypes (Merrill, 2007). Rather, findings were consistent with a qualitative study showing mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law reported positive expectations and feelings in the relationship (Turner et al., 2006). -- affective, cognitive) at Time 1 or in the positive and negative relationship qualities scales at Time 2 (after controlling for age, education, time known the in-law and other variables). Theory on the topic of in-law ties typically considers the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law dyad to be more conflict-ridden than the son-in-law/mother-in-law dyad (Fischer, 1983; Kivett, 1989). Methodological differences may help account for the discrepancy in patterns of findings. The vast majority of studies of in-law ties have been qualitative in nature (e.g., Merrill, 2007; Prentice, 2008; Turner, et al., 2006), and relationship indicators examined here were -- Nonetheless, we may have missed subtle nuances. One study did find gender differences in quantitative ratings of in-law ties, with daughters-in-law rating greater conflict and ambivalence with their mothers-in-law (Willson, Shuey, & Elder, 2003). That study examined a distinct population, however, encompassing rural farm families in Iowa in the late 1990s. Gender differences in in-law ties may have waned in more recent cohorts, particularly among non-rural populations such as the participants in this study. Alternately, gender differences may -- Findings revealed that behavioral and emotional aspects of the relationship formation stage were associated with post-weddings quality of the in-law relationship. The patterns fit research and theory on the formation of friendships and romantic ties (Adams & Blieszner, 1993; Berscheid et al., 2004; Foa & Foa, 1974). Findings involving contact with future in-laws revealed interesting complexities. Having more contact in general was associated with lower positive relationship quality and increased negative relationship -- (Lawton et al., 1994). Yet, individual contact was associated with more positive feelings about the relationship after the wedding. These findings may reflect the triadic nature of the in-law relationship (Rittenour & Soliz, 2009; Sechrist et al., 2011). That is, contact in general includes the romantic partner. In some instances, the reporting family member may have felt coerced to interact with the future in-law. By contrast, contact that is individually initiated may be chosen and foster intimacy. -- Positive relationship qualities during the relationship formation period were associated with more positive feelings and fewer negative feelings after marriage. Retrospectively, mothers-in-law and children-in-law have reported continuity in qualities of their tie from before the marriage (Merrill, 2007). The findings also are consistent with a study that documented stability in romantic, family, and friend -- to change (Fingerman & Bermann, 2000). Here, we controlled for the relationship between the mother and own child; thus, the stability in the in-law tie is above and beyond that involving the grown child. Knowledge of the other party was associated with Time 2 relationship -- with subsequent positive and negative aspects of the tie. Expectations of the In-Law Tie and Post-Wedding Relationship Qualities This study also included a unique feature by examining expectations of -- questions may partially explain the paucity of findings, but the pattern is consistent with the literature. Most individuals enter the in-law relationship with positive expectations of their future relationship (Turner et al., 2006), making it difficult to detect differences in positive qualities. The ability to detect negative -- Moreover, mentioning other parties, such as birth family members, as a potential source of problems was associated with increased negative feelings about in-laws. These findings substantiate the important role network members play in shaping marital ties (Sprecher & Felmlee, 2000) and in-law ties early on. It is notable that anticipated problems with regard to autonomy and -- involving exclusion and criticism or intrusion were associated with conflict in the relationship (Fingerman, 1996). Similarly, theory regarding in-law ties led us to expect that anticipating such problems would predict poorer relationships (Morr Serewicz & Hosmer, 2011). Findings from this study suggest that anticipated problems extending to -- four family members in the throes of planning a wedding were daunting, and people who participated may represent a biased group, favorably inclined towards their in-laws. Likewise, the sample was homogenous. The scant literature on in-law ties suggests patterns differ across racial and cultural groups. For example, ties to mothers-in-law are highly valued in Black families (Goodwin, 2003; Veroff, Douvan, & Hatchett, 1995). In-law relationships also may vary by other demographic factors such as economic status. Future studies should attempt to capture a broader cross-section of the population. Further, father-in-laws deserve attention in future research because findings indicate that gender of the parent-in-law affects this tie (Willson et al., 2003). In sum, this study added a unique perspective by assessing in-law relationships before and after the wedding and using all four family members’ perspectives. Findings revealed that the relationship between mothers-in-law and children-in-law may not be as conflict-ridden or difficult as media stereotypes. There were also fewer differences between daughters-in-law and sons-in-law than expected. Moreover, in general, early positive relationship dimensions were associated with more positive and fewer negative relationship qualities after the -- future relationship than the actual early qualities of the tie. Nonetheless, anticipating certain problems were associated with increased conflict with in-laws. Thus, it is important for scholars to consider the relationship of in-laws before and after a wedding to understand how a tie unfolds over time. -- Aron AP, editors. Handbook of closeness and intimacy. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates; 2004. pp. 81–101. 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