Handbook for Inlaws If you are a mother in law, father in law, daughter in law or son in law, this may be helpful to you! Read and enjoy!!! How to survive being an inlaw is an art in and of itself…. Let’s begin with the perspective of the parents in law: well, at last your son or daughter is married. That wonderful day has arrived and you are now the proud parents of a married child. Mazal tov! -- spouse. And the trick is how you view that relationship, how you understand your children and how you get along with the newest addition to your family (your daughter in law or son in law). Well, it is very important to remember that as a parent you are naturally going to be protective of your child and it is hard to give up the authority you always felt you had over your son or daughter. You also may feel a slight natural “competition” with your son in law or daughter in law. If your son says he loves his wife’s cooking and you see he is not so enthusiastic about his mother’s cooking, you, as his mother, may feel hurt or slighted in some way and may want to find ways to put your daughter in law down. It is a subconscious situation but one that can be damaging. It is a kind of subconscious jealousy even though your daughter in law never did anything to hurt you. Or you may find yourself trying to protect your child . For example, if your daughter who just got married comes to you and mentions that her -- He says it as a joke, but you, as his mother, may react in a few ways. You may simply say “Great, come on over”. Or you may feel a bit of a competition with your new daughter in law and you are happy your son loves your cooking (deep inside you may not wish your daughter in law to learn how to cook so well so that your son will keep up his relationship with you!). And you may feel overly protective and worry that your son is not eating well. Or, perhaps you want to go visit your daughter to spend some time with her, and your new son in law wants privacy and has made it clear that he is not so happy that you want to come over unannounced. You may feel very hurt and rejected. You may feel angry and secretly wish your -- teach us something, to help us improve ourselves and to grow spiritually. Inlaw relationships are especially good for that! You may have always felt you would be the best mother in law, or father in law, in the world. But when your child is actually married, the reality may become a bit different. Suddenly you could feel jealous, hurt, rejected….sounds childish? But that is what life is all about. -- and how to work on improving ourselves. The key to success is to learn and practice consideration for each other (both the parents in law and the children in law), and to try not to be very judgmental. You will see a lot of things to criticize in the spouses your children marry. You have to practice restraint and give -- married even if you, her parents, are not so happy with her choice of a spouse? And, perhaps most importantly, this marriage is min haShomayim, is from Heaven, and therefore everyone , including the in laws, will grow from it and experience whatever it is that Hashem wants each person to gain from the relationship so use it for the good. -- to them: more than they can cope with. Mother goes around crying from time to time. Father is angry but remains silent, possibly giving the cold shoulder to his daughter and new son in law on certain ocasions. So how should we cope with this situation? First of all, it is very important to realize and to remember that when -- Parents, instead of feeling hurt, should try to understand what their child is going through. Of course, if the parents really feel upset because of certain behavior on the part of their child or son in law, they may have to discuss it with their child, but always in such a way as to promote peace. Not to criticize or put down their child’s spouse. -- happy in life. As long as your child is happy and thriving in the marriage, put your own feelings aside and do not complain. Remember how you would have wanted your parents or in laws to react when you got married. -- Now let’s take a look at things from the perspective of the daughter in law or son in law: You are married, possibly just newly married, or maybe married for many years. You are trying to cope with and adjust to your “new” family -- subconscious jealousy towards your inlaws (ie. you, as a daughter in law, may feel jealous of your husband’s relationship with his mother, or you as a son in law may feel jealous of how close your wife is to her father) or you may feel threatened by your inlaws and insecure around them. If they are critical of you it is even harder. You may be -- fears have a true basis and many times, more often than not, they are worries rather than realities. Or perhaps the characters of your in laws are hard for you to deal with; maybe you perceive them as being too pushy or too interfering or too critical etc. etc. Maybe you are insecure and want to control your spouse and you do not want your spouse to feel too close to his or her family. You are afraid of what your in laws may tell your spouse against you. Or you feel you may lose control in your marriage. You may even become a bit paranoid about it. You have to try ( although in the case of newly weds this is more difficult due to immaturity, lack of experience etc.) , to look at things from the in laws perspective too. You must understand that in general nobody is a bad person. Everyone has their good points. And if your mother in law, for example, is a pushy person and wants to spend a lot of time with her child or tell her daughter or son how to do things, you have to try to understand why: did she perhaps have a -- mature? In all cases, you must try to judge kindly and to give the benefit of the doubt. However, if you see that the behavior of your mother in law or father in law is hard to deal with or interferes with your shalom bayit, you may have to discuss the matter with them at some point in time (or at least discuss it with your spouse so they can speak to their parents), -- realize their intentions are generally not evil. You have to always do things with respect and derech eretz. If occasionally it happens that the in laws really have negative intentions and want to destroy your marriage, then you may have to take more drastic steps. But that is the exception rather than the rule! In general remember that the adjustment to your married life is just as much of an adjustment for your parents or in laws. Especially if you are the first child to be married in the family. And even if you see that problems begin many years after you are married, you still have to -- speaking to your spouse to try to work out his or her emotions because, for example, if a woman is nervous, pregnant, busy with little kids and her mother in law comes over and criticizes her way of doing things etc. etc. she may be overly sensitive and build up resentment and not want to have much to do with her mother in law. However, if the husband talks to his wife and makes her understand how much his mother suffered in her life, or how she criticizes because she means well but does not -- and deal effectively with his mother. He can keep peace. That is an important factor. Certainly it is wise to try to look at life from your in law's (or parents) perspective and to remember they are deserving of respect and consideration. It is important to keep in mind that your spouse has an obligation to respect his or her parents and if you interfere with that or put down the parents (your in laws) it will create conflicts within your spouse and probably more shalom bayit problems. Besides, if you put your in laws down or speak badly of them or treat them with chutzpa or -- with both if you do so cleverly. It is very common to blame marriage problems on in laws. But that would only be the case if , for example, the relationship of the husband with his mother, or the wife with her father, is so close that they cannot respect their spouse properly at all. However, in most cases that is not so. In general in laws may aggravate existing situations but they are not usually the real cause marriage problems. And in many cases in laws actually help out when there are marriage problems: they often make peace. It is important to look at the useful side of in laws and remember all that they can contribute from their own experiences in life. -- Jews in particular as well as many Chassidic Jews, family closeness is a normal thing. And the families are very close. For example, when a child marries, they usually live right near their parents or in laws , even in the same building. They get together constantly, spend hours in each other’s homes, are together every Shabbat etc. And they raise -- relatives. The backgrounds, attitudes, family experience of each person will influence how he or she relates to in laws and this must be understood as well. -- to constantly want to interefere in their daughter’s life. But it got to the point where the husband would actually get an acute case of diarrhea every time he had to speak to his father in law on the phone! The pressure and pushiness was more than he could cope with. He was a calm, quiet, soft spoken person. His wife wanted to be close to her -- long run? Of course the daughter will always feel upset to be without her family, and extended family is an important part of life (although she BH has a good relationship with her in laws) but it is in fact her parents who are the losers and are missing out on seeing their grandchildren and on having a positive relationship with their -- Another problem that often arises in a marriage is a case whereby one or more of the in laws are not religious and the couple are religious. For example, Yehoshua married Sara. He was from a traditional Sephardic family. Sara was from a non religious family and became a baalat -- feel her husband does not respect her or look up to her. And of course if the couple are not so religious but the in laws are very religious, that creates a different sort of tension and stress… and also for the in laws themselves! Because they have to come to deal with their child’s lifestyle which definitely does not reflect their own values and that is very difficult for parents or in laws to handle. They may feel ashamed of their child, or the may feel like failures in life. And they are worried about the negative influence on other children in the family. It creates many barriers. However, it is important for parents and in laws to still keep up a positive relationship with their children since in the long run they can have a positive influence, even on the grandchildren, and certainly it is not -- difficult. Many in laws are so concerned that their children should have shalom bayit, that they forego their own respect. For example, Ruth's son married a girl that Ruth did not approve of so much. Nevertheless she -- visit his parents, often without his wife. He did his best. But everyone suffered. Ruth perhaps should have asserted herself more to bring about a respectful relationship with her daughter in law but she was so afraid of divorce. In the end her son got divorced and Ruth wished she would have spoken to her daughter in law about respect; perhaps it would have helped….. In laws should not have to insist on respect, but their behavior and attitudes should command respect. If they see that their son in law or daughter in law do not respect them, they should behave in such a manner to encourage respect and they should keep their dignity, not allowing the children’s attitudes to affect them inwardly. Because if -- Parents must at all time refuse to take nonsense or hurtful behavior because that would encourage averas as well. There is a very delicate balance and art to being a parent in law! One must always realize that many, many people have various emotional -- Shmuel and Rachel were newly married (only for about four months). Shmuel was feeling very wary of his father in law: he did not trust him. He saw that his father in law liked to give advice and Shmuel had a hard time accepting advice: he wanted to be his own boss and he did not want to hear anything his father in law had to say. His father in law at first tried to share whatever knowledge he had with Shmuel: he meant it in a good way. But then he realized Shmuel was not -- felt somehow it took away from his own authority with his wife and he was insecure about asserting himself. So he became more and more disrespectful to his father in law. He even went to the extreme of pushing Rachel's family away and limiting times that they would see each other. He was even paranoid about Rachel spending time alone with -- Rachel responded likewise and was happy with the family. In the end it worked out well and Shmuel actually came to appreciate and respect his in laws and to truly like spending time wit them. Although at times it is emotionally difficult, nevertheless In laws have to try to handle each situation with intelligence and not react emotionally or in a way that would alienate the couple. Everyone would just end up losing that -- In a case where the marriage is basically good and it is just a matter of working out in law conflicts, people have to have patience and understanding and not jump to conclusions or over react emotionally. This is one of the secrets to being a successful in law. Patience! It is very important to remember that being an in law is a new phase of life and it takes some adjustment. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you fail here and there: that is normal too. -- However, it is very positive if families are very close. In many Sephardic families, the children remain very close to their families even after marriage, going every week to their parents or in laws for Shabbat meals and visiting often during the week, going out shopping together, going for vacations together, bringing their children over -- you as well. Many in laws make the mistake of destroying relationship with their children for no good reason just because their honor is slighted or they see faults that their children cannot see etc. We have to learn -- We all have to be patient just like Hashem is patient with us! So do not despair: being an in law is a challenge in and of itself: a new stage in life and one to be met with courage and hope and happiness, because one learns and grows from every experience in life. And certainly one should never put into one’s mind that it is normal or a matter of fact situation to have problems with in laws. Certainly not! It is very much a matter of how you view things and how you look at life. Problems are often created. Or, even if they are there, one -- At this point in life we often marry off some of our children and become in laws as well as eventually grandparents. This is a stage of life which is very nice, but at the same time stressful in its own way and sometimes depressing. Aging is never easy. And yet there is a lot -- So in the final analysis, let us all work on doing our best at each stage of life, constantly thinking of the other person and what they need. For example, If a mother in law is sensitive and caring about her daughter in law, she will not be critical of her and will do her best to get along nicely so her daughter in law respects and loves her. And if a daughter or daughter in law thinks constantly of the psychological needs of her mother or mother in law, she will be careful not to hurt her feelings or reject her in any way. Becoming sensitive to one another is one of the secrets to maintaining good -- not want to speak to us about. We could interpret their lack of friendliness as an insult…or we could realize they are going through various things and need time to grow. Sometimes a young daughter in law may be shy or embarrassed to say things to her inlaws and they inlaws may interpret her actions or words negatively when in reality she -- were younger. A young woman may find it possible to juggle a couple of babies, cooking, cleaning, having guests for Shabbos etc. whereas her menopausal or premenopausal mother in law may feel exhausted, inadequate, unable to cope with lots of guests or lots of cooking or noise and the hectic situation of having lots of kids running around all day messing up her house which she has no energy to clean! And yet she feels guilty not to help her daughter or daughter in law. She feels inadequate, depressed at these changes in herself. It is very essential to recognize this reality of life, and it is very -- little kids underfoot is simply not the same. This is part of aging. One does not have to feel guilty if she cannot help her married daughter or daughter in law as much as she would like to. Children often expect a lot from parents and do not want to recognize or accept that their parents or inlaws are getting older. But it is -- A point that merits mentioning is also the fact that as parents age, we become less patient and somewhat more critical at times. We expect our daughter or son in law (or even our son or daughter) to do things more efficiently, with the experience that we have accumulated over the years. But we forget that for our daughter in law or son in law etc, this may be the beginning of a learning process. For example, it is erev Pesach and our kitchens are in order, we are beginning to cook and we want our son to do this or that for us. However, our daughter in law may not be as efficient or organized (besides having babies to care for she may also not be experienced or know how to clean quickly etc. etc.) -- Another important matter is to realize that everyone has their moods. Sometimes your daughter in law may come to your house with an angry looking face and you imagine she is upset with you or unfriendly. But she could have her own problems, maybe shalom bayit problems, maybe she -- chance to learn to deal with their emotions, communicate etc. Of course it is good and proper for children to be pleasant and nice and present a good face to their parents or in laws. And same with the inlaws to their children. But people are human and emotions are difficult to control and there are many factors involved, including hormones etc. and one has to be patient and not jump to wrong conclusions immediately. It also behooves a daughter or son in law to do their best to put on a pleasant face in front of their inlaws so as not to give a wrong impression or be hurtful. -- to appreciate and show respect and consideration. If that is missing then the relationship will be strained. A mother by nature always feel an obligation to help if her daughter or daughter in law is having a hard time or needs assistance with the children, cooking etc. But often the mother may not really have the koach but she goes beyond her limitations and helps, never wanting to feel a burden to her children. And she does so happily. But if the daughter or daughter in law does not show proper appreciation and expects the help, as if the mother is obligated to do for her, then certainly this is not proper respect, the -- to clean for Pesach and not to have the pressure of cooking etc. However, the children must think of the pressure the mother (or mother in law) is going through. She is older, has less energy, and does not necessarily enjoy yom tov when she has so much cooking to do. Nevertheless she enjoys seeing her children and grandchildren. (There -- older and are not able to help them as before. Married children need help. They often feel they cannot cope easily with all their responsibilities unless they have help from their parents or in laws. And parents often are embarrassed or uncomfortable to say no to their children. They wish to help out and do a lot. They really want to do -- My cousin is a very good natured person, always helping everyone. Her daughter in laws constantly send their children to her to be looked after and expect a lot from her (coming over for Shabbos, yom tovim etc.). My cousin loves to do what she can but she confided in me that -- strong now and cannot handle so much work. Children must tell their spouses not to overwork their parents. Never assume that the daughter in law will realize on her own. A lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings arise when we assume another person will understand on their own. Do not assume anything. Be specific. Explain your limits or difficulties. Do not be afraid to tell your children, or your daughter in law or son in law that you would love to help out but you cannot because you are not feeling well or you find it too stressful. They may not like it but they will come to understand it with time. And -- And of course have patience. Time does heal. Time does change things. People learn and grow. If you have an argument with your son in law or daughter in law, with time things are forgotten. If someone is too embarrassed to apologize or admit their wrong doing, with time the wounds heal because family -- Another issue that does need to be addressed is that every person has their own emotional needs and psychological situations that need fulfillment. If a mother in law, for example, is a very insecure person who very much needs approval from her children, she will interpret any lack of communication with her daughter or son as a sign of rejection. -- A woman who has problems with her mother or her sister and is feeling rejected or hurt often will carry those feelings into her relationship with her own daughter or daughter in law and will be overly sensitive and see little things as being a rejection or an insult when in fact it was never intended that way. -- children….parents are very sensitive to these things, especially as they get older. It is extremely important for a son in law or daughter in law (as well as a son or daughter of course) to call their parents on their birthdays, -- know they are not feeling well or are going through a difficult time…in general it is important to show concern and care. It is also important to answer your in laws when they try to contact you on skype (if you are online and you just prefer to ignore them or not respond), or if they send you an e mail, respond! Show that you care, that you -- feelings. Obviously parents also should contact their children or son or daughter in law on any special occasions, but parents in general would do so…they are older, usually semi retired, and have time to be busy with these matters. A child or son or daughter in law who is busy and working hard has to make an effort to remember special occasions , but it is important. Very important for building a proper relationship. -- more. Time is one thing you cannot get back. Being an in law (whether you are the father in law, mother in law, daughter in law, son in law, sister in law or brother in law!) is an art, a responsibility and a privilege. Treat it as such. Much hatzlacha and bracha! And only simchas for everyone.