* Love & Dating

How to Build Successful In-Law Relationships

   By
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   10'000 Hours / Getty Images

   We have all heard them - those obnoxious mother-in-law jokes. Like, two
   friends were talking and one said to the other, "That mother-in-law of
   mine is an angel." His friend replies, "You are so lucky. Mine is still
   alive!"

   Candidly, I have been fortunate all my married life to have had an
   absolutely marvelous mother-in-law. She has been wonderful to all of
   the sons-in-law and daughters-in-law and sets a pretty high standard
   for mothers-in-law everywhere.

   But clearly, not every in-law relationship is quite as wonderful or
   else folks would not laugh at the in-law jokes. So, if you are getting
   married for the first time, or if you are thinking about remarrying,
   finding a way to create a great in-law relationship with your future
   wife's parents would be a big plus. And if you have some work to do on
   a current in-law relationship that is less than perfect, it is a
   worthwhile endeavor that will pay dividends for years to come.

Avoid Negative Talk

   Often our relationships with in-laws are affected by the opinions of
   other family members. In some families, complaining about mothers or
   fathers-in-law is a blood sport. Try showing respect for the in-laws,
   even when they are not present, by avoiding the temptation to join in
   the negative conversations. Building them up in private will help you
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Show Gratitude

   When your in-laws do something nice for you, your wife or your
   children, let them know that you appreciate it. A quick phone call,
   note or email to say thanks will go a long way to helping them see you
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Stay Civil, No Matter What

   Some in-laws can be really difficult. One friend told me that his
   mother came to visit and went into the guest bathroom and cleaned the
   sink, the toilet and asked for fresh towels. The bathroom had been
   cleaned but she was just paranoid about germs. Fortunately, his wife
   understood this obsession her mother-in-law had and did not take it
   personally. They just smiled and tried to accommodate her. Throwing a
   fit about her behavior or calling her on her insensitivity would have
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Don't Feel Obligated to Strain Your Home Relationship to Accommodate Them

   Some friends of ours have in-laws that love big family gatherings that
   are noisy and usually fun. But our friends have a child that does not
   do well in large, noisy settings and gets splitting headaches and then
   rebels. It is just not a workable solution, so they have found a better
   approach. They drop in on the in-laws at quieter times and then, for
   the big family events, they either come early and leave before it gets
   too crazy or they drop in at the end of the event when it is winding
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Deal Effectively With Advice, but Not Intrusions

   Partly because of their life experiences, parents-in-law often offer
   advice about marriage, parenting, careers, and even decorating and
   landscaping. Usually, the advice is well-intentioned and even
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   Wondering "If she would only do ________, our relationship could be so
   much better" is not very helpful. You have no control over your
   mother-in-law or father-in-law, but only over your own attitudes and
   behavior. Think about what you could do differently that might make a
   positive difference in the relationship rather than wishing that "he or
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Do Not Tolerate Abuse

   If a father-in-law or mother-in-law engages in physical or emotional
   abuse, recognize that you have an obligation to protect yourself, your
   partner and your children. If the problem is serious, you need to be
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   to step in if needed and make a final decision.

   I count my relationship with my in-laws as one of the most important in
   my life. We know that we have been blessed by that high-quality
   relationship and that not all others are as fortunate. But working on
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