#alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate IFRAME: //www.googletagmanager.com/ns.html?id=GTM-NW5PKS (BUTTON) Psychology Today * Find Counselling Find Counselling Counsellors https://www.psycholo (BUTTON) v + Counsellors + Support Groups (BUTTON) x _________________________ (Search) Counsellors: Log In | Sign Up United Kingdom + Belfast + Birmingham + Bristol + Cardiff + Coventry + Edinburgh + Leeds + Leicester + Liverpool + London + Manchester + Sheffield * Get Help Mental Health + Addiction + ADHD + Anxiety + Asperger's + Autism + Bipolar Disorder + Chronic Pain + Depression + Eating Disorders Personality + Passive Aggression + Personality + Shyness Personal Growth + Goal Setting + Happiness + Positive Psychology + Stopping Smoking Relationships + Low Sexual Desire + Relationships + Sex Family Life + Child Development + Parenting View Help Index Do I Need Help? + Self Tests Recently Diagnosed? + Diagnosis Dictionary + Types of Therapy Talk to Someone + Find Counselling + Find a Support Group * Magazine Current The Power of Boundaries Sharing personal information brings people closer together. But how do you know when you’ve gone too far—or when someone else has ulterior motives? 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But how do you know when you’ve gone too far—or when someone else has ulterior motives? Subscribe Issue Archive Back Today News * + Is Altruism an Analgesic? + Is Attachment Insecurity Putting Your Sexual Health at Risk? + Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law: Boundary Ambiguity + Bigger Brains and Higher Peak Oxygen Uptake Go Hand in Hand * Essential Reads + Out-of-Context Biases All Have One Solution + Our Hands Hold Weapons That Our Minds Can’t Comprehend + How Open Conflict Benefits Relationships + What You Need to Remember About Your Memory * Trending Topics in UK + Relationships + Stress + Neuroscience + Creativity + Cognition + Spirituality + See All ____________________ (Search) Go [icon-check-circle-gray.svg] Verified by Psychology Today Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, MSEd, ACSE Yvonne K. Fulbright Ph.D. Mate, Relate and Communicate Have In-Law Issues? Become a united front. Posted Oct 14, 2013 * [icon-share-round-facebook-md.svg] SHARE * [icon-share-round-twitter-md.svg] TWEET * [icon-share-round-email-md.svg] EMAIL * [icon-share-chat-md.svg] 27COMMENTS Dmytro Zinkevych/Shutterstock Source: Dmytro Zinkevych/Shutterstock Do you get along with your mother-in-law? If you answered “yes,” consider yourself part of a lucky minority. According to Cambridge University psychologist Terri Apter, three out of four couples “experience significant conflict with their in-laws,” with the mother-in-law (MIL)/daughter-in-law (DIL) relationship the trickiest. In her book What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, Apter shares that over 60 percent of women — versus just 15 percent of men — report having a negative relationship with their significant other’s mom. Descriptors used by DILs in capturing relations with their MIL include “strained,” “uncomfortable,” “infuriating,” “depressing,” “draining,” and “simply awful.” The most typical complaint DILs have of their MILs is that they are overbearing, pushy, and disrespectful of boundaries. Other reasons for unpleasant relations between parents-in-law and a daughter-in-law (or son-in-law, for that matter) include: * Pressure to have children — the number-one source of tension between a woman and her in-laws. * Older relatives trying to maintain their authoritative role in a household. * A know-it-all and/or take-charge MIL. * A parent’s belief that no one is good enough for their son or daughter. * Conflicting ideas over how to raise children. * Personality clashes. * Money lending. * Pressure to conform to religious or cultural norms. * A parent trying to drive a wedge into a marital relationship. Regardless of what’s causing the friction, DILs report long-term stress as a consequence. Couples, particularly the DIL, start to dread family gatherings for the distress and exchanges they can invite. A baneful MIL/DIL situation can escalate quickly, becoming toxic if the bull isn’t taken by the horns adequately and quickly. So what’s a couple to do? While every situation is unique, with no article or book providing the exact recipe needed for repair, this post will look at how to manage a difficult parent-in-law relationship and seek to give couples, especially the DIL, guidance on how to become a united front in dealing with both the MIL and father-in-law. (While we don’t hear much about the father-in-law stirring up trouble, he often has his wife’s back, letting her get away with things, or exhibiting support in his reticence. In dealing with one, you’re also dealing with the other.) Becoming a United Front When a spouse has a problem with a parent-in-law, it is the couple’s problem, too. There is no dealing with the situation solo. Whether or not they agree on all aspects of the situation, couples need to become a united front. This begins by having effective conversations about difficult, sensitive issues. Talk to your spouse. If you’re the one feeling under attack, then you need to make your partner aware of what’s going on. He (or she) may be completely clueless about the situation or how it’s making you feel. Therefore, the first step to getting on top of the issue is to provide your spouse with an understanding of the problem(s). Focus on your feelings, owning them with “I” statements (“I feel hurt when your mother…”). While tough, try to avoid being critical of your in-laws — criticism is likely to evoke a protective response instead of empathy. This is your spouse’s mother, somebody they love and think of fondly. You’re trying to get his or her support, so approach as you would want to be approached if they had a problem with your parents. Consider the situation from each family’s perspective. While every family functions with a certain degree of dysfunction, what a person grows up with tends to be regarded as “normal" — hence, assumingly universal for other families. Yet, according to Apter, when a spouse tries to explain this “normalcy” in saying things like, “That’s just the way she is,” or “She doesn’t mean anything by that,” then the person is really saying, “There is nothing wrong with my family. Don’t criticize.” This indicates that the spouse doesn’t see a problem, or is trying to say that the problem is you. Ultimately, it’s a denial of your views on the matter, including their legitimacy. Try again to focus the conversation on how you’re feeling and not on what’s wrong with your partner's family. Give examples of what has been the norm in your circle of families, giving sound rationale for why you think that this is healthier or better than what you’re finding in engaging your in-laws. Allow your spouse the time he or she needs, within reason, to process everything and to unfold into their own autonomy. Hopefully, eventually, he or she will become less enmeshed in their family of origin as a standard for “normalcy” and become more differentiated, realizing a new worldview on healthy family functioning. Identify the changes you want to see made. Regardless of whether or not your spouse recognizes an issue, if you have a problem with your in-laws, then it’s a problem that needs to be dealt with and likely a situation that needs to be changed. Be specific and clear about your issues, and how you would like things resolved — what you would like your husband to do about them. Don’t assume that you’re on the same page when it comes to a strategy for handling the situation. Your spouse may not agree that there’s a problem, or he may want to manage things differently. You may need to negotiate how your in-laws will be a part of your lives, and how they will be put in their place. This will require more than one conversation. It could lead to a number of arguments. This may be the point where the two of you spin your wheels, failing to make progress on the problem(s) as they only get worse. If necessary, consult with a licensed marriage and family therapist. In-law issues are too important not to get professional help. Agree on the boundaries that you’ll establish. Healthy boundaries need to be a part of your talks on strategy and what’s communicated to your in-laws. Discuss your need for boundaries and come to an agreement on what those boundaries are regarding your in-laws. Brainstorm solutions, explicitly explaining how you’d like the matter handled. Have clearly defined limits and rules of engagement as far as what you’ll expect and accept. Then have your spouse convey those to his or her parents. In staying empowered at any point of the process, remember that, consciously or not, you set boundaries in all of your relationships. These keep you sane and friendlier. Make your spouse the lead contact. No matter what the agreed-on strategy, your spouse needs to take responsibility for the situation, dealing directly with your in-laws about their behavior, and stepping in as the main point of contact. After all, these are his parents, and he needs to be the messenger in discussing issues and problems with them. (Likewise, you would be the main point of contact if your husband had a problem with your parents.) Even if your spouse doesn’t agree with you on the conflict or how it should be handled, he needs to have your back. He’s in a marital relationship with you, not his parents, and he needs to stand by you. This includes firmly speaking up when his mother says something hurtful, and not giving into tactics either parent can use to manipulate situations, like guilt or pressure. No matter what, he needs to be clear that when something is done or said that hurts you (or your children), it hurts him as well. You are a team, and this is a major part of maintaining your team front. Communicate your boundaries. As stated, your spouse needs to verbalize your boundaries in putting any behaviors or offenses to an end. This can be done proactively (e.g., letting them know how you’ll be handling the holidays weeks or months in advance) or on a case-by-case basis as issues come up. The key, with the latter, is to make sure that the problem is dealt with head-on, swiftly, and in a no-nonsense manner. In being sensitive to any hurt feelings, a partner can reassure his parents that the two of you are not closing them out, but that you are simply focusing on yourselves and taking care of your union and family. Change your behavior accordingly. Both you and your spouse will need to modify your behavior in realizing the relations you want with your in-laws. After all, the only things that you can definitely change about the situation are your own feelings, moods, and behaviors — how you react. This includes you and your partner working towards changing systems of interaction and continuing to educate the parents on what will and won’t be tolerated. This further includes making your in-laws aware of the consequences, and providing them with incentives for behavior change. Only then will your in-laws possibly change as well. Enforce your boundaries as needed. You may need to start out with gentle reminders, as things are unlikely to change overnight. This can be done compassionately, but firmly. Overall, your approach needs to be strict in consistently enforcing the boundaries you’ve drawn. If the situation allows, be friendly, tactful, straightforward, and respectful. Think of how you’d handle a disagreeable situation with a co-worker. If, however, your in-laws continue to disrespect your boundaries and wishes, you may need to approach them with a little less tact. Think of a boss putting an employee in his place. No matter what, establish boundaries early. A lot of couples will not draw their boundaries until they have to. You can avoid a great deal of heartache, disappointment, and distress by letting your limits be known early on. * [icon-share-round-facebook-lg.svg] SHARE * [icon-share-round-twitter-lg.svg] TWEET * [icon-share-round-email-lg.svg] EMAIL * 27COMMENTS In-law issues? Never! Submitted by Anonymous on October 14, 2013 - 11:58am Thanks for this Yvonne. I've never had in-law issues, I've always referred to them as "outlaw issues" :-) Best wishes and please keep sharing your wisdom on this website. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Good advice Submitted by Anonymous on October 14, 2013 - 2:26pm Good advice. Works both ways. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Even if my husband agrees Submitted by Anom on October 14, 2013 - 10:44pm Even if my husband agrees that his family has crossed a line they shouldn't have crossed, he won't talk to them about it. It isn't just me that has problems with my in-laws. My MIL told me that my SIL's DIL won't speak to them. What a dysfunctional family. * Reply to Anom * Quote Anom Unfair What We Tell the Wives To Accept From In Laws Submitted by Jean (Valley Wildcat) on December 17, 2013 - 1:40pm I find it difficult to agree with some of the suggestions in your article. It seems that more often than not, when giving advice to young married couples, we tell the daughter in law, to shut up, bite her tongue, and accept verbal and emotional disrespect from the husband's parents. This is grossly wrong. Why do we in this country always expect for the daughter in law to be the one to please inlaws, by bowing down, and giving in to her in laws? And does anyone besides me, realize that most of the inlaw problems, are the husband's parents? That's partially because the wife is usuallly so devoted, so loyal, to her husband, and so desperately want to please him. While husbands tend to be a little less concerned, kind of cool about pleasing the wife when it comes to getting her emotions and feelings respected anad supporting her agianst others. Also, one of my suggestions for the in law disrespect problem, is for the wife to tell the husband that if he is not willing to stand up and require respect from his parents to her, then she will not be able to defend him against any verbal and emotional attacks to him from her family. Tell him that you will no longer be loyal to him, since he is showing a gross violation of non-support for her, his wife. Also, to each of you writers and commenters, I hope that you can search your heart and think about how the article may come across to young couples. We don't want to add to the bad advice from articles writers, in this country who do not give support to wives and women. How can a wife want to sleep with a crude husband such as the one that I have described. I wouldn't let him touch me until he acts like he is supposed to as a man who respects his wife and does not allow in law abuse. We are always telling women to submit to their husbands' leadership, so he needs to man up and act like a real leader. Wives cannot do all the work!!. Karma is real Your comment: "try to avoid being critical of your in-laws, as criticism is likelier to evoke a protective response more than empathy. This is your spouse’s mother, somebody he loves and likely thinks of fondly. You’re trying to get his support, so approach him as you would want to be approached if he had a problem with your parents." Of course he would love his parents, but that is not justification for telling him to not support his wife and require his parents to respect her. What in the heck is wrong with some people in this country who imply that it is okay for a husband to be a cold, unloving jacka_ _? I don't get it. * Reply to Jean (Valley Wildcat) * Quote Jean (Valley Wildcat) Spot on Submitted by Allie on January 2, 2016 - 6:25am I know this is an old article, but that is exactly what is going on here. I defend my husband immediately and shut down anyone in my family who says anything about him, but just two days ago my husband's father called me stupid and walked out of the room and my husband just sat there. I told him in front of everyone that was unacceptable and they were both wrong. He walked off. The rest of his family just sat there. Yeah, I want anything to do with that. This is the first time I have seen anyone saying women shouldn't have to bow down to it. Thank-you. All these articles and no one ever says the inlaws need to be respectful at all, and making the husband the go between? Mine just seperately tells us all what we want to hear and avoids the conflict so seriously, no improvement ever to be made. And you're right, who wants to be with that? * Reply to Allie * Quote Allie Abuse! Submitted by Kate on May 28, 2017 - 2:16am I agree with you Allie!. That's emotional abuse in my book, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. I was in a similar situation. My partner was doing the same thing.. 'I called it fence sitting!. He would just tell each of us what we wanted to hear. The treatment I received from the future inlaws was so bad that I went to a psychiatrist because I was so stressed and doing day-to-day activities. I was diagnosed with PTSD and social anxiety. I feel like part of it was my fault. I shouldn't have tolerated this behaviour for years! I went against my better judgement and just 'put up with it'. Partly because of ridiculous google articles that encourages women to bow down to emotional abuse. It's not the Middle Ages, it's not Victorian England. Women have human rights to respect! * Reply to Kate * Quote Kate Update Submitted by Allie on May 28, 2017 - 9:09am Within a month of this last incident my mil wrote my husband a message because we had just got a dog, telling him not to let me name the dog, to give the dog a respectable name since I wouldn't let her name my kids she should have a say with the dog. I LOST MY SHIT. I wrote up everything I had ever wanted to say to her and sent it- to my friends who I had sent her message to too. I knew it was nothing I should ever send to her, but I had to get it out. They all said I needed to send it to her. I decided something did have to be done. I rewrote the whole thing as respectfully as I could. I exaplained the kids had been named more for her family than mine, and My husband had shot down her names- not me. I told we how embarrassed I was FOR HER that she felt she had to try and get her son to lie to his wife and let her know every underhanded message she had ever sent him- I had seen. And I asked her how she would have felt had her mil done the same to her? How she would feel if I had ever said anything half as bad to or about her to him or her husband- and they didn't stand up for her? I asked her how uncomfortable she felt now KNOWING I had seen them... and I turned the cheek each time and was kind, was still respectful? I reminded her what I've done for the family, including supporting and standing by her son through his illnesses and hospitalizations, reminded her I wasn't cheating on him like her daughter's husband, or a mental abuser and alcoholic like her other daughter's husband. I told her she won the inlaw lottery with me because instead of calling her on years of bullshit and heartache I was doing something completely different. After this note I was putting it behind us and if she could, go back to kindness and friendship- so one day if my daughter came to me like I went to my mom in tears about her mil, I can tell her that it could be overcome- instead of telling her the horror stories of her grandmother. I told her that our future is the history I would tell my daughter one day and it was her choice of if that history would be fond memories or her eyes being opened on how horrible she had treated her mom- and leave my daughter hopeless. I also called her on somethings so she knew what I knew and made sure she understood how open my husband and my relationship is- that even though he told us what we needed/ wanted to hear, he told me the truth and I told her he didn't need that stress ever again. I would show him this letter so he knows exactly what was said. I also told her I wouldn't tolerate her disrespecting my family anymore either as they had been nothing but supportive and helpful with my husband's medical issues where they had only ever told him to get over it and said his depression was in his head and to get off the meds (which he tried and led to attempted suicide so they can enjoy knowing that forever). I made everything clear. I told her it was over. I'd never mention any of it again if we stepped forward and we're a united family. She was hurt, but she said for her own actions. She said she didn't know how bad it was and had only ever considered her side. We have truly moved on, sometimes a snark comes out from her but she stops herself and I can see her trying and I have the patience. But I am glad I pushed myself to lay it all on the line, there is still some tension, but I'm not in fear anymore, I am not having constant panic attacks, I'm living it finally feels like! My actions aren't for everyone. I hate confrontation and I know some people just can't- but if anyone can- do it. You might lose them, but at least you will know- and it's better to know and keep them at a distance than to live with that abuse- we are people and worth it. Stay strong- anyone reading this. I know things aren't perfect for me, but they are so much better. (Sorry for any grammar or autocorrects, kids crawling in me! No coffee lol) * Reply to Allie * Quote Allie Precisely Submitted by Sophia on July 21, 2017 - 8:34pm Finally, someone has said it. As a DIL whom is respectful, kind, and considerate to the in-laws, and have a grand MIL whom is disrespectful and often bullies us, especially when she is inebriated from alcohol (which is, during every visit), I cannot agree more. I have bitten my tongue for a long time; fortunately, I have since had the courage to speak up and directly to her about these issues. I can no longer tolerate the incessant put-downs (to both my husband and I), negativity in general, and guilt tripping - when we are always doing everything we could to please her and the family. This is not the kind of language and behaviour we would tolerate in front of our child so we have decided to address it openly, honestly, and calmly since our pregnancy. It is not alright to constantly belittle us in our lives, career, and relationship, especially since nothing she says is true and that we are doing very well for ourselves and are always happy and supportive of one another. She holds onto insignificant things in the past and brings it up at every opportunity, which means every visit and family gathering. Honestly, not everything has to be decided by her - she still holds resentment towards our wedding and reception because it was not what she had imagined. Who cares about these things, is it not more important that your grandson is happy and respected? She also makes it seem like I am the only person who makes an effort in the relationship and insinuates that he is not helpful and downright lazy (even stating that I will be taking care of the baby alone) - she always makes it seem like she is just teasing him, but she says it in a way like she thinks that I am not good enough for him and that I have to do everything in the relationship for him to be with me. It is very strange. He is one of the most helpful and hardworking people I have ever known so I do not understand the reason that she continues to makes this a point. I think she wants to show other people that she knows her grandson better than me but how is this a positive remark? She also frequently hints that I am not contributing towards our household, at the same time. I am actually more educated, generate significantly more income, have more savings, own more assets, and never have I mentioned a word, nor do I care about the comparison. My husband and I talk about everything and make all decisions together, there could not possibly be more love between us and neither of us care about superficial things like that. I am often perceived as timid and have a mild personality; however, I would defend my husband endlessly and will not let anyone disrespect him, not even a family member. Yes - if it were my own mother I would immediately address it and not let it happen again. No one is permitted to be negative and disrespectful. Same, I know that this is an old article but this just came across my mind and I am happy to have come across these comments as they are really genuine and encouraging. I think everyone should empower one another and especially women to women - there simply needs to be more positivity in this world. We also need to start standing up for ourselves when we are bullied and suppressed. I always hear about how the DIL must do this, this, this, this, and that to make the relationship work - no, relationships are both ways and all parties must contribute. * Reply to Sophia * Quote Sophia Dispense with "in-law" connection. Submitted by Janer on August 3, 2019 - 6:30pm How - excuse this - primitive human is it to continue this false association, and, worse, pretend that it is a legal status. Unless someone can prove me wrong on this, "in-law" does not exist in law. It exists in culture - but, I again point out - this is the 21st century - isn't it? Blood family members DO NOT become blood family members. And, when individuals marry, it is their decision. Did they ask everyone, and get permission? Even if they did, it is a person-to-person union. Not the "fleet." * Reply to Janer * Quote Janer Absolutely. Good that you Submitted by Janer on August 3, 2019 - 6:18pm Absolutely. Good that you wrote this. It is so tedious that in the 21st century, and at least in "first-world" countries, the female as the 'mother' to the 'little boy' is enough to make one vomit. * Reply to Janer * Quote Janer I do not like my mother in law Submitted by Joanne Giordano on December 30, 2014 - 9:40am I agree with , valley wildcat , my mother in law is passive aggressive , and my husbands act like he never hears anything, it has cased problems, and at 83 still wicked, I really cant stand to look at her, something about me bothers her , she seems jealous * Reply to Joanne Giordano * Quote Joanne Giordano Wits-end Submitted by Misti on February 8, 2015 - 4:00pm I am at a crossroads on what to do with my in-laws. I've been with my husband for 8 years and they've (the mother) have been the biggest issue we've had from day one. It started with her moving him out of my house while I was away for the weekend (that was in the first year of our being together) to stealing my sons DNA after he was born for a paternity test!! Without my consent! My husband has let his mother turn his siblings against me- so much so that when I would used to go over there for holidays- they would all purposesly and pointedly ignore me- never looking my way or speaking to me- leaving me with the company of my child only. I would tell him every time what they did and how it made me feel and he would say I'm imagining it- until I stood up for myself one day about 3 years ago and called his brother out for what he had been doing- and the brother gleefully admitted it! It took that for my husband to realize that they were physiologicaly tormenting me. The in laws have never shown an interest in our children, only my husband. The children aren't allowed over unless my husband is there- birthdays are forgotten and ignored (they live 10 mins from us) while all they seem to care about is their son, they don't really even acknowledge his new family. After confronting the brother I told my husband I was done with his family. But of course that hasn't been the end- they pop up every 6 months or so and try to snake their way back in- they purposely stop by when they know I'm at work and tell my husband all this fantasy bs about being a family and how im really keeping any progress from being made. Such a visit just happened- which is why im here- every time they come around it causes a huge fight between me and my husband- im just not willing to be abused and belittled anymore so that he can stick his head in the sand and be happy. I would also like to add that I'm the sole provider for my family- my husband suffers from Crohn's disease and does not work. I take care of all bills, medical expenses, schooling for our three kids- I feel like I deserve some g-d damn respect- excuse my language. For 5 years I dealt with MIL sh!tty comments about my schooling and job- I.e after getting a big promotion at work (had to start at the bottom) she says to me- "oh good, you finally got a real job" what should I do? Should I subject myself to exposure to them on the notion that they've "changed?" I hate that it does what it does to my husband- but I'm the only one defending me. * Reply to Misti * Quote Misti in laws lol Submitted by mattie on February 20, 2016 - 2:13pm As difficult as it is being a mil it does suck too. I've always wanted limited contact and knowledge of their personal life. I don't want pulled into their marriage, it's theirs. My dil just wants to talk SMACK about my son. As hard is it is to believe I don't think her or my son is perfect And neither am I. I don't wanna play counselor. Reason there's a MIL problem and not FIL in our society is bc most FIL ARE not asked to help, jump thru hoops or anything that requires getting involved with a dil. If I didn't do what my dil wanted I was called every name I the book. I've just recently set really clear boundaries and I'm willing to take any responsibility or the out come of these boundaries. I think the main thing for both dil and mil or in laws in general is to SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES AND STICK TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE, FOR YOUR OWN SANITY AND MARRIAGE-FAMILY. * Reply to mattie * Quote mattie Amen, mattie. As my daughter Submitted by Janer on June 3, 2017 - 10:53pm Amen, mattie. As my daughter is about to be married, I am attempting to find laws related to in-laws. I do not want to be one, not in theory. I'm not marrying the guy. I want no legal relationship whatsoever. Good grief. If the law isn't clear, would I be a grandmother-in-law to this guys kids? I need to talk to an attorney. * Reply to Janer * Quote Janer FIL Submitted by Sophia on July 21, 2017 - 8:40pm I actually have the best FIL and he is really considerate, kind, and understanding. MIL is sweet but has jealousy issues, and grand MIL is not a bad person but says the most hurtful things all the time. Most of the time it is the MIL not accepting the DIL and not the other way around. DILs for the most part always try to please their in-laws as much as they could, for as long as possible, until they can no longer tolerate the treatment. Conflicts with DIL only mean distancing from the son. When the son is in a serious relationship, the gf/fiance/wife becomes the most important person in his life and he will be siding with her. * Reply to Sophia * Quote Sophia Unprofessional article! Submitted by Daina on March 25, 2017 - 12:14pm We need to "put parents in their place" and "keep them in line"? This is such disrespectful language, and that's coming from the daughter-in-law! I understand and agree with the idea behind what you're trying to say, but the language used is going to justify and encourage any hateful attitude a daughter-in-law may have and that's not helpful. I had to stop reading when the author said the husband needed to put his mother in her place when she has been "caddy" or said something "bitchy"! So unprofessional. Cursing is uncalled for and the word you're looking for is "catty" not "caddy." I have been married for 13 years and have had plenty of in-law issues including the classic MIL/DIL issue and am happy to say that I have come to a beautiful relationship with all of my in-laws (parents are divorced so I have 2 sets)! The keys were lots of love & grace, patience (also known as long-SUFFERING - putting up with a lot), treating others the way you want to be treated, finding out back stories about why people are the way they are (understanding helps you have so much more patience), learning to let stuff roll off your back and ignore it (just like when you're a kid, if they don't get a reaction from you they'll quit, AND only you can control how people "make" you feel, to a certain extent), picking battles wisely, not giving up and cutting off the relationship even when I felt like it, and yes, some conversations, even arguments, about boundaries, and most importantly LOTS OF DESPERATE PRAYERS for better relationships. Also, loving first and showing it through action, even when they were acting unlovable, which eventually lead to them loving me (because it's hard not to love someone who loves you), and then I could have the conversations about issues with them myself which went way better than trying to have my husband do it. I came here looking for guidance on issues now between my husband and my parents, but sadly this is not the article I'll be listening to! * Reply to Daina * Quote Daina Unqualified Commentary from Daina Submitted by Jenna on April 9, 2017 - 1:23am Daina, You are totally missing the point. You are making an oversimplification of the issue. While I am glad for you that your love, grace, patience, understanding, modeling behavior, learning to let things 'roll off your back,' choosing your battles, not giving up and prayer (assuming you are religious) worked for (all your words), that is an awfully tall and one-sided laundry list of complacency. I think the concern is that one should not have to shift their values and personalities to make their in-laws happy. Their child chose you as their spouse/partner for who you are. The sacrifices you make in your relationship with your SO, should have NOTHING to do with what your in-laws expect from you. I find it disturbing that one would shift their identity to please their MIL/FIL. And if your spouse thinks it should be that way, then they need to engage in the discussion with you and his/her parents. I speak from being a 20yr marriage in which my in-laws lack boundaries. Laying down the law worked and forming an alliance with my spouse made things more pleasant for all of us once my in-laws became respectful of boundaries. We all get along great now and respect one another as adults - without judgement. What is required is transparency. * Reply to Jenna * Quote Jenna Balance Submitted by Anon on April 14, 2017 - 3:04pm Every time I look for advice online all I ever find is advice catered to women who have mother-in-law issues. It's almost never from the husbands' perspective and often it doesn't apply to me or help me. I generally get on just great with my MIL, but she has a habit of blowing her daughter's trumpet for her. My wife and I work together in the same field and her mother is always bigging up everything my wife does, whilst I get no credit for anything despite doing at least half the work.This is the major thing that annoys and upsets me but I have nad no luck finding any infor online as to how best to deal with this. * Reply to Anon * Quote Anon in laws Submitted by cressida longford on July 9, 2017 - 10:50pm I don't see my sister in law much and I am quite glad about that. She what ever the conversation piece is brings in about children or babies I am fed up with it. She also goes on about people's problems which not being nasty are self inflicted mostly. Can't bring myself to be bothered to even answer now. When I want to discuss certain things she just dismisses my problems. * Reply to cressida longford * Quote cressida longford relatives Submitted by nesta hughes on July 9, 2017 - 11:02pm I have the same dilemma Cressida as you. I ask my sister in law for some advice and got the Cold shoulder treatment. I have too listen. To her problems. Fed up. With her her remarks moved on thank goodness now. * Reply to nesta hughes * Quote nesta hughes Yes,a unified front is Submitted by Winnie on August 11, 2017 - 5:49pm Yes,a unified front is absolutely necessary. Just be prepared for push-back from the in-laws. They won't easily back down! 1. "She's putting you up to it! These are her words!" Expect this. Basically it's rage and they are trying to provoke you. Best thing is have your spouse stay on the message. 2. "She hates us! We know she hates us! She is trying to break up the family." Again, just a trap to get you to say something negative so she can play the victim. Treat them like the toddlers having tantrums or better yet, just ignore them. 3. My favorite: they give you the silent treatment. This is a gift. Trust me. Remember roaches scatter in the light. Mother-in-law thinks you can't or won't call her out on her passive-aggressiveness. When I did, my Mil lashed out to me "stop bullying me!" Her son, my husband, became so repulsed by his mother's immature behavior that I didn't have to say a word or do a think. She nailed her own coffin. 4. The Mil won't handle the boundaries well. Either she's number one or she will threaten to cut her son out of her life. Hahahahahahaha!!! Let the woman think she's holding onto some dignity by rejecting her son. It's not dignity, it's enmeshment and it's a sign of severe dysfunction. In closing, be prepared for a lot of drama. But stay aligned. Keep boundaries firm. Let your mother-in-law try her manipulative tactics. She's just a toddler having a tantrum. * Reply to Winnie * Quote Winnie Rude Son-in-law Submitted by Frustrated Mother-in-law on November 8, 2017 - 12:42am I am at my wits end, everywhere there are articles about horrible mil, well what about horrible, rude, arrogant, vulgar, controlling sils? Two of my daughter's are married and I adore my one sil, he is sweet, kind and polite. I get along great with his mother. The other one has succeeded in turning my daughter against me and I have barely spoken with her or my grandson in months. Yet according to them it is all my fault. He has been asked to not be vulgar in my presence and in my home and he continues to do so on purpose to get a rise out of me. He makes demeaning comments meant to put me down. I questions so many of the things that I do. He is critical of the things that I buy for my grandson. For example I wanted to buy him a little toy, but knowing that they had limited room in their suitcase I picked out a little toddler flashlight that barely took up any space. SIL immediately was critical of it saying that it would not fit in their suitcase, no thank you, nothing. I am certain that there are times when my daughter sends me a message that it is actually him criticizing me. I am an emotional mess because I am so worried about my daughter and grandson. * Reply to Frustrated Mother-in-law * Quote Frustrated Mother-in-law I am glad I came across your Submitted by Dorothy Sp on January 16, 2019 - 8:46pm I am glad I came across your article on how to Save My Marriage Today . The situations and solutions presented are real, practical and simple to implement. Other websites painted a picture that marriage should be absolutely perfect and have no problems but we all know that's impossible to achieve. However your Spell has shown me that marriage needs work and a change in certain attitudes and behaviors, and after that things are not as complicated as we like to think. Thank you Dr Lawrence you for Saving My Marriage and for helping me get my marriage back on track!" I hope this helps somebody out here i highly recommend Dr Lawrence for those seeking help to restore their love life to contact him what-apps +1914 208 8349 or email Drlawrencespelltemple @ gmail . com * Reply to Dorothy Sp * Quote Dorothy Sp Passive Aggressive MIL Submitted by Arlie on February 17, 2019 - 2:03am My MIL is very good at wearing this facade of a calm, polite, and patient woman. Everyone who meets her tells me how lucky I am to have her. What people don't see is the pesky little passive aggressive things she does that eventually add up. I told hubs that my cell phone battery was no good (it swelled). Within days she claimed her phone battery had the same issue. When I said "Oh yours too?" She acted surprised like she didn't know about my phone. I got sick one day to the point of awful dizziness and nausea. The very next day, she missed work and headed to the Drs claiming she had the exact same symptoms. Recently I had a toothache and mentioned it to hubby, within a day she was complaining to him and asking for pain meds. Hubs mentioned to our friends how much I like very spicy food, she cuts in and says she does as well. It's kind of becoming funny, really. Unfortunately my husband doesn't think so. He firmly believes her every word and sometimes becomes defensive. I've decided to try and ignore it but Lord knows it's not that easy. * Reply to Arlie * Quote Arlie DR LAMATU SPELL REUNITE MY HOME HAPPILY Submitted by Donna Lisa on May 29, 2019 - 7:41am I WANT TO TESTIFY OF A GREAT SPELL CASTER CALLED DR LAMATU FOR HIS HELP OVER MY MARRIAGE. I have been rejected by my husband after 14 years of marriage just because another woman and he left me and the kids to suffer. One day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster Dr LAMATU a spell caster.have helped a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply and he told me that a woman cast a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. I believed him because of his polite approach and sincerity and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back because i am now happy with my husband and my kids. for any family help. WhatsApp him via +14158551136. He is good in whatever he doing and trustworthy He has a permanent solution to any type of problems such as: Lottery Spell Love Spell Power Spell Success Spell Sickness Spell Pregnancy Spell Marriage Spell Job Spell Protection Spell Win court Case Spell Luck Spell etc. * Reply to Donna Lisa * Quote Donna Lisa No advice for my problems Submitted by M on June 20, 2019 - 2:06am So what about if your mother in law STOLE MONEY out of your purse, steals from her family and they all know it but don’t stand up to her, stole from her fiancé who is a COP? What if your mother in law told her son he has to choose between her and you? What if your mother in law is a narcissistic lazy thief who plays it off like you’re the evil one because her parents never gave her consequences for her actions her whole life so she can’t own up to her shit? What if your mother in law is 48 years old and still lives at home with her parents because she chooses not to work and her parents enable her and she tries to borrow money from her son (your husband) all the time? No advice for my drama anywhere online. That’s not even the half of it. Don’t get me started on the rest of his family...... And yes, my husband is supportive and on my side. Thank God. * Reply to M * Quote M Please cite the laws of any Submitted by Janer on August 3, 2019 - 6:20pm Please cite the laws of any state that declare that "in-law" has legal status. I can't find any. Dispensing with this non-legal "tie" would be a fine first step in ending the blitz that marriage too often creates. Cite the laws. * Reply to Janer * Quote Janer Post Comment Your name ______________________________ E-mail The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. ______________________________ Subject ____________________________________________________________ Comment * ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ [X] Notify me when new comments are posted (*) All comments ( ) Replies to my comment Leave this field blank ____________________ Post advertisement Read Next #MeTooReykjavik 10 Ways to Improve Any Relationship How to Handle Your Monster-in-Law 10 Tips for Surmounting In-Law Difficulties In-Law Blues No More 10 Ways to Have an Easier Relationship With Your In-Laws Involved In-Laws: A Blessing or a Curse? 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