#alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate IFRAME: //www.googletagmanager.com/ns.html?id=GTM-NW5PKS (BUTTON) Psychology Today * Find Counselling Find Counselling Counsellors https://www.psycholo (BUTTON) v + Counsellors + Support Groups (BUTTON) x _________________________ (Search) Counsellors: Log In | Sign Up United Kingdom + Belfast + Birmingham + Bristol + Cardiff + Coventry + Edinburgh + Leeds + Leicester + Liverpool + London + Manchester + Sheffield * Get Help Mental Health + Addiction + ADHD + Anxiety + Asperger's + Autism + Bipolar Disorder + Chronic Pain + Depression + Eating Disorders Personality + Passive Aggression + Personality + Shyness Personal Growth + Goal Setting + Happiness + Positive Psychology + Stopping Smoking Relationships + Low Sexual Desire + Relationships + Sex Family Life + Child Development + Parenting View Help Index Do I Need Help? + Self Tests Recently Diagnosed? + Diagnosis Dictionary + Types of Therapy Talk to Someone + Find Counselling + Find a Support Group * Magazine Current The Power of Boundaries Sharing personal information brings people closer together. 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But how do you know when you’ve gone too far—or when someone else has ulterior motives? Subscribe Issue Archive Back Today News * + Is Altruism an Analgesic? + Is Attachment Insecurity Putting Your Sexual Health at Risk? + Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law: Boundary Ambiguity + Bigger Brains and Higher Peak Oxygen Uptake Go Hand in Hand * Essential Reads + Our Hands Hold Weapons That Our Minds Can’t Comprehend + How Open Conflict Benefits Relationships + What You Need to Remember About Your Memory + Let There Be Light * Trending Topics in UK + Relationships + Stress + Neuroscience + Creativity + Cognition + Spirituality + See All ____________________ (Search) Go [icon-check-circle-gray.svg] Verified by Psychology Today Terri Apter Ph.D. Domestic Intelligence In-law Conflict and Troubled Marriages The same signals that bond parent and child also bond partners. Posted Aug 11, 2009 * [icon-share-round-facebook-md.svg] SHARE * [icon-share-round-twitter-md.svg] TWEET * [icon-share-round-email-md.svg] EMAIL * [icon-share-chat-md.svg] 142COMMENTS When two people decide to marry, each makes a pledge that the other will be the most important person in their life. "You're the one" and "You come first" are common phrases that seal this promise. And so we expect that our partner will be on our side when the going gets rough. Couples may fight between themselves, over big things and small, but we expect a partner to stick up for us when someone else threatens us, criticizes us, makes us feel bad. The last thing we expect, as we complain about the events of our day, is to have a spouse side with the colleague, friend, or plumber we're complaining about, and say, "The guy was right." If that happened regularly, we'd give up talking about our day-to-day problems and conclude that there was something rotten in the state of our marriage. But this, I have found, is precisely what happens, over and over again, when conflict arises between us and our in-laws. It starts with love—our first love. Couples often come together with a feeling of newly discovered love, but the passionate and absorbing bond with a parent is the infant's first experience of loving, and of being one person of a loving pair. Though romantic relationships are very different from "blood" relationships, the biochemistry and neural signals that bond infant and parent are the very same ones used to bond us to a mate. The parent/infant pair in many ways behaves like lovers. A mother and baby lock together in a mutual gaze, each looking back to the other looking at her—an activity called "eye love" which is also practiced by romantic lovers as they gaze at each other in mutual admiration. This early intimacy leaves a legacy that impacts on every subsequent intimate attachment, including marriage. Though it is often said that the family is in decline, the bond between parent and child (and grandchild) remains as strong and as enduring as ever. A parent-in-law may be loving, but this love is rarely unconditional. A parent's conspicuous and continual assessment of a son's or daughter's spouse, combined with vulnerability ("How will my child's marriage impact on my special relationship?"), form the bedrock of the ancient conflict between in-laws. The person who wants to be both a loyal spouse and a loyal son or daughter can experience a dilemma that can rock a marriage to its roots, and this is one reason it is important to understand the intricacies of in-law relationships. Among the 49 couples who participated in my research, I was surprised how often men chose to protect their mothers against their wives. They saw a wife as stronger and tougher, and therefore the one who should make allowances. But when a wife is told, "That's just the way my mother is; you have to accept that," she feels betrayed. "Whose side are you on?" she demands. When Shelley felt her mother-in-law, Nora, was excluding her from family gatherings, and instead showing preference for her husband Cal's former wife, she decided to "talk the issue through" with Nora. This talk spiraled into a shouting match, during which Nora's accusations that she was "selfish" and "controlling" burnt into her brain. So Shelley was dumbfounded when Cal scolded, "You shouldn't upset her like this," and then added, more darkly, "No one disrespects my mother." While she recalls, loud and clear, the words Nora hurled against her, Shelley cannot remember what she said to strike such an angry chord in Cal. New research shows that in heated interchanges, our minds have a way of protecting us from self-recrimination. People are quick to forget their own unkind words, even as they nurse a grudge against someone else. So Shelley is outraged when Cal calls her to account for the "terrible names" she called his mother: "It was a shock to see him glaring at me like that. Watching someone who should be rooting for you suddenly change sides, without warning, and freeze you out. . . it's an awful feeling. Nothing is lonelier than dealing with an angry mother-in-law. I now wonder whether we have a marriage at all." Shelley's implicit plea to Cal is, "I am hurt and you are my husband, so you should stand by me." Cal's response is, "I love my mother and don't want her hurt." Shelley demands, "But what about me? Aren't you on my side?" Cal does not feel able to negotiate two competing loyalties, and so he lashes out at his wife for presenting him with a difficult dilemma. Cal's aggressive approach to his loyalty dilemma puts his marriage at risk, but men who try to avoid the dilemma are unlikely to achieve a happier outcome. Luisa describes a furious quarrel with her husband, Eric, that occurred when she felt that her mother-in-law was particularly rude to her. "I shouted at him till I was blue in the face, but he just froze and went for a drive. When he came back, he pretended nothing had happened, so I started shouting again, and he left again. When I try to talk to him about his mother, he clams up, and either drinks a beer or goes to the pub." A familiar generalization is that men are more comfortable than women in engaging directly in conflict. In a family setting, this common "truth" turns out to be nonsense. In fact, men have a lower tolerance for probing conversation and verbal conflict. John Gottman at the University of Washington monitored heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline levels of both spouses during marital quarrels, and found that men become physiologically overwhelmed much more quickly than women. With his pulse rate rising rapidly during an argument, and his elevated pressure, a husband may instinctively remove himself from the fray. This "stonewalling" technique of shutting down receptors and turning your body and mind into a stone wall is a defence against the stimuli that flood our system when we sense danger. Going blank, refusing to show a response, or leaving the room are all defensive acts. Eric withdraws from Luisa to protect both of them. But to Luisa, Eric's withdrawal conveys disdain, icy anger, and rejection. His attempt to defuse the argument actually escalates it. Another response to loyalty dilemmas is to refuse to consider your own family norms from your partner's perspective. "She doesn't mean anything by it," "That's just how she is," and "You have no right to complain about my mother," are means of marking a fixed position and signalling that you are closed to reassessment. Whether this strategy is employed gently ("I don't really see a problem") or with a pointed accusation ("If you see a problem there's something wrong with you") it denies the legitimacy of a partner's perspective. We seek resonance in our partner: "Do you understand what I'm feeling?" We ask. "Do you have empathy and concern for me?" Nothing disappoints us or ignites a quarrel as quickly as the message, "Your feelings don't make any sense." Both women and men face loyalty dilemmas, but women generally have more finesse in balancing criticism and reassurance. Women are generally better at tolerating criticism of their parents, and simultaneously enjoying what's positive about their parents. As teenagers, girls bond with their friends through complaints about their "impossible mothers." Hence, Annie finds it easy to say to her husband, "I know mum's a real nuisance. Her constant fussing about everything—from tile mould to world politics—drives me up the wall, too. We just have to learn to laugh at it together, because she's my mum, and that's that," whereas her husband Glen feels uneasy when Annie complains about the timing of his mother's phone calls. "Why are you so critical of such a little thing?" he demands. Women also have more practice from their teen years at staking out their boundaries with a mother: "I'm different from you," and "You don't understand me," and of course, "Don't tell me what to do!" Boys tend to have less practice fine-tuning relational positions; because of that gender gulf between mother and son, they may have to do less work to set boundaries during their teens. This means that more negotiation with a mother over boundaries may be required when he marries. Yet all too often a husband will leave such boundary-work to a wife. When, nearly every weekend, Jon's mother asks him to make the two-and-a-half hour drive to her home to help with minor maintenance jobs, he assents, but gives the power of veto to his wife Melissa. "I'll come, unless Mel says it's not possible," he tells his mother. Melissa feels she is being cast as domineering wife and grudging daughter-in-law. "I wish you'd just decide for yourself," she tells him. "I wish you'd tell her, at least once, that you'd really prefer to spend the weekend with me." Jon may harbour an unspoken (even unacknowledged) hope: "I can't regulate my distance from my mother, so I want you to do it for me." But when Melissa gibes, "I'm not sure whether she's trying to keep a tight grip on her son or her handy man," Jon exclaims, "Stop criticising my mother!" Melissa is stunned by this response: "I'm your wife. Whose side are you on?" In-law relationships are not simple. Balancing loyalties, drawing boundaries between ourselves and the people we love, and resisting the self-protective biases that blind us to our own unfairness are all essential to prevent in-law conflict from overwhelming a marriage—and to silence those cries of "Whose side are you on?" A version of this article was published in the London Times on 11 August 2009. * [icon-share-round-facebook-lg.svg] SHARE * [icon-share-round-twitter-lg.svg] TWEET * [icon-share-round-email-lg.svg] EMAIL * 142COMMENTS Inlaws Submitted by John B on August 11, 2009 - 3:24pm My ex-wife would not make a decision of any significance without consulting her father until the day he died (we both were in our late 30s then and professionally employed). Later, she shifted the "approval" procedure to her mother. She said it was for him -- but I doubt that. I think how well separation from a parent and shift to a "separate married couple unit" works depends on whether a man or woman has developed an adult relationship with the parent(s). I believe it is more "childhood specific" than "gender specific". * Reply to John B * Quote John B Are in-law problems gendered? Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on February 7, 2010 - 3:32pm John - I agree that in-law problems are shaped by the way a partner responds to her or his own parents. A woman may be dominated by her parents to the extent that she is unable to form a fair and equal relationship with her spouse. But my research shows that in general women were better at managing interaction with parents in ways that did not affect a marriage than men were, and that men sometimes actually hoped a wife would do the distancing work on their behalf. But to say that a problem is more likely to occur between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law does not not mean it only occurs between them. The nub of the problem, as you say, is between child and parent, whether male or female. * Reply to Terri Apter Ph.D. * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. Re: Morning! Submitted by Rosie on April 19, 2016 - 12:02pm Yes unfortunately that's me. My parents are my best friends, lifeline and mega influences in my life in general yet they love me unconditionally which is something my in-laws don't and won't do, my parents loved my ex husband like a son and were good to him, yet when the shoe was on the other foot, I was not treated with any support with my daughter who they do love but whenever my husband griped about my mum or dad I grew highly defensive. He said he didn't care if I disliked his parents and would choose me but be really upset however I'd choose my parents every time but he still wouldn't leave me. I could do anything and he'd never had left if I hadn't filed for divorce. Hes been arrested for drug possession and indecent exposure so yeah, dodged a bullet * Reply to Rosie * Quote Rosie John B., Submitted by Marianne H on April 16, 2016 - 10:08am John B., You hit the nail on the head when you said: " I think how well separation from a parent and shift to a "separate married couple unit" works depends on whether a man or woman has developed an adult relationship with the parent(s). I believe it is more "childhood specific" than "gender specific". My husband's a living proof of that. He attended boarding schools away from home from the age of 8 and I believe that he never really had the chance to develop a healthy mother/son relationship with his mother. It is much later on, in his forties that he started claiming that love and attention when his mother moved to our current home town. By then he was married and had a child but unfortunately he has not been able to juggle both responsibilities. Guess who ended up suffering from the lack of healthy boundaries? * Reply to Marianne H * Quote Marianne H Husby Submitted by Kim on July 10, 2016 - 3:40pm Hi, my hubby also went to boarding school and it stunted his growth in many ways. Contact me if you're going thru same scenario! I love my hubby but he's a man child :( * Reply to Kim * Quote Kim how i get my ex back Submitted by success vicky morgan on December 5, 2018 - 8:07am My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is LAVENDERLOVESPELL @ YAHOO. COM so I had to contact him and in just 4days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man I got married to.I cant thank the spell caster enough what what he did for me, I am so grateful. I even spoke to the spell caster over the phone, to confirm his existence. His email again is: LAVENDERLOVESPELL @ YAHOO. COM (LAVENDERLOVESPELL @ YAHOO. COM } His WHATSAPP LINE +1 (845)605 8269 * Reply to success vicky morgan * Quote success vicky morgan Doctor Okumu is a God on Earth Submitted by Merilin on June 22, 2017 - 12:23pm Doctor Okumu has really given me a reason to be happy. My husband left me 2 years ago because we were married for 8 years and i was unable to conceive and bear him children. Several times he will take me to the hospital for checkup and the doctor will say i am medically okay but after having sex with my husband i will still not be pregnant and this made my husband to run away from home for months. I was confuse and started seeking solutions when i came across how Doctor Okumu has helped people so i hurriedly contacted him and he assure me that he will help me also. I did all he asked me to do and went back home to search for my husband luckily i found him and i begged him to give me a second chance which he accepted and that night we both slept and had sex 1 month later i became pregnent and just a week ago i gave birth to a set of twins. I really do not know how to thank Doctor Okumu because he his like a God on earth, everything happened just as him said. My husband loves me more than before and we are living happily with the babies. Do you need any help then contact Doctor Okumu today for help via email: doctorokumuspelltemple @ gmail . com or via whatsapp +1-631-800-5540 * Reply to Merilin * Quote Merilin effective and powerful love spell caster Submitted by sharon gabby on October 5, 2019 - 7:50am EFFECTIVE AND POWERFUL LOVE SPELL,LOTTERY SPELL,MONEY SPELL CASTER DR GBOJIE +2349066410185 With a joy in my heart I want to use this medium to tell the world about Lord gbojie who helped me in getting my lover back with his powerful spell, my ex and i was having misunderstanding which led to our breakup and i went to beg him several times to please forgive and accept me back because i know i offended him but each time i went i always feel more deeply in pain and agony because he always walk out on me and would not want to listen to what i have to tell but on a faithful day as i was browsing i came across a testimony of a woman whose problem was more than mine and yet Lord gbojie helped her with his powerful and effective spell so i was happy and also contacted Lord gbojie for help via email and then i told him my story but the only thing he said was that i will wipe you tear with my spell so lucky for me everything want well just as he promised and right now i have got my lover back and we are both living happily. there is nothing Lord gbojie can not do with his spell and just as promise my self i will keep testifying on the Internet of how Lord gbojie helped me. Are your problem greater that mine or less i give you 100% guarantee that Lord gbojie will put an end to it with his powerful spell, contact Lord gbojie for help you can reach him no his email : gbojiespiritualtemple @ gmail. com or gbojiespiritualtemple @ yahoo. com you can also call him or whatsapp +2349066410185 * Reply to sharon gabby * Quote sharon gabby Inlaws and attachment to parents Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on August 12, 2009 - 4:17am You make the very interesting point that how well a married person copes with his or her own parents is linked to the individual's attachment/separation to a parent, and that this is a specific psychological outcome, and not an outcome linked to gender. My research shows, however, thatthe issue is not so much attachment/separation, but compliance and placation. I did find that in the couples participating in my study the man was more likely to plead with his partner to help him placate or comply with the wishes of his mother, * Reply to Terri Apter Ph.D. * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. son in law Submitted by marta rothstein on July 7, 2012 - 7:53pm Apparently my son in law has a problem with me. My daughter recently had a premature baby. They live in another state, and I have been to visit them once or twice in the past, their house is very old and quite frankly a wreck in a not so great neighborhood. My son in law works nights. This visit will be my last, I went to help my daughter at her request, but it seems my son in law resents anything I do (like cleaning)getting her car fixed, staying with her at the hospital so he could work, etc. I used all my vacation time, spent alot of money and tried to help but it went really badly, many times I cried alone in my room. Twice I had words with him about just wanting to help (clean their filthy house). So one night when he went to work I did just that,cleaned alot (including ridding the closet in the nursery of mouse droppings). Needless to say, I won't be invited back, we stopped speaking to one another before I left. My daughter tried to be neutral and as a new Mom she could have cared less, she definitely didn't get the cleaning gene. I told my son in law,his attitude was ridiculous, he claims I disrespected him in his house. So I booked a flight and came home after 3 weeks. No thanks was ever given and I'm hurt but I know I tried to help. * Reply to marta rothstein * Quote marta rothstein my response to a tragic comment Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on July 9, 2012 - 7:02am Clearly you feel you have been given a very negative message, but the cost of cutting off ties and refusing to visit could be very high. You said your daughter asked you to come; surely she will miss out if you refuse to visit? I hope this unhappy breach can be resolved. * Reply to Terri Apter Ph.D. * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. From what you have wrote Submitted by James on December 1, 2013 - 5:45pm From what you have wrote about their house, which is likely the best he can afford to provide for his family...I would expect your behavior while visiting was very rude...I would not have been near as nice with you....do your daughter's marriage a favor and stay out of state * Reply to James * Quote James Men Will Support Each Other Even AT the Detriment Of Wife's Needs Submitted by Jean (Valley Wildcat) on January 7, 2014 - 12:02pm That comment was so not fair to women!! Are you supporting him just because he is a man, or do you really think he is correct in his approach to his wife's mother? Remember, the home belongs to his wife too. He cannot exalt himself like that and the wife had better put her foot down now and require respect from him, befoe he gets too egotistical and cause her more pain in the future. He needs ato understand that a woman NEEDS her mom or sister at the time of childbirth. Husbands are selfish and cannot provide his wife with real after birth care. Women, you all need to get some sense and not let husbsnd dominate the home and family like that. * Reply to Jean (Valley Wildcat) * Quote Jean (Valley Wildcat) A disrespectful son in law Submitted by Anonymous on March 28, 2014 - 6:43pm I don't agree with the person who remarked that your son in law was right. He seems really selfish and as your daughter asked you to come to help I would think he would be happy for you to come and help her. If you tried to clean up after these two lazy people you don't deserve their ridicule and ungratefulness. I would stay away and just let them deal with themselves. She will call again when things get hairy and I am sure they will. You did the right thing in going to help them and if they don't see it just remember you did the best you could. Its really sad when you raise kids and they marry morons who were raised by wolves and they turn your kids away. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Being right can be so lonely Submitted by Anonymous on September 14, 2014 - 6:49pm Okay, she can be right but lonely. How about letting the daughter and son-in-law set the boundaries and tell her what "help" they require. I am quite familiar with the "I am only trying to help" response from my own mother which usually entails her taking over and making decisions for me. This woman's complaining about her daughters dirty home is flat out criticism which no one accepts well. It's possible that it isn't quite as dirty as the poster stated, just not up to her standards. I remember my mother coming over to dinner, usually with other guest at my home, and criticizing my home, my table setting, my cooking. I said nothing, not a peep in spite of being terribly embarrassed (my house was clean) but what I did do was stop inviting my mother to dinner. I think there is a lesson here. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Rude Submitted by Anonymous on October 19, 2015 - 11:44am That's ugly. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Your recollection of events Submitted by Anonymous on January 13, 2014 - 5:52am Your recollection of events is a clear indicator of why you have problems with you son-in-law. From your account of affairs you did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong - he is portrayed as some ingrate villain who is unable to recognize and even has the audacity to be upset at your generosity, kindness, and helpfulness. It is clear from what you write that you have no self-awareness, that you are unable to see the role you might play in the conflict, that you have no ability to understand what someone else may feel when you do these things and that you are a controlling individual who has no sense of boundaries. My guess is that you trampled on your son's freedom to do and keep a house as he wishes and that all you cared about was doing things your way and what you consider is the right way regardless of whether he wants them or not. Other people's rights do not seem to interfere with what you think should be done - even in their own homes. Sounds like it is your way or the highway - and you are baffled when what you consider to be helpful behaviour is actually considered an intrusion and assault on others freedom and personal rights. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Based on your own words..... Submitted by Anonymous on May 30, 2014 - 10:11pm you were the one whose behavior was wholly inappropriate and were you my MIL you would have been removed from my home much earlier. Look at what you wrote: " their filthy house" Do you not see how judgmental this is. In what reality is it your place to pass judgment on the them? "like cleaning)getting her car fixed, staying with her at the hospital" Again, judgment, judgment, judgment..... and how do you really think your SIL felt with you being at the hospital with his wife and child when likely all he wanted to do was be there with them, but he had to work, to make a living, to support them, and keep a rood over their heads, you know, the same roof you like to complain about and judge and criticize? Are you seeing a pattern. And finally, "My daughter tried to stay neutral" First of all you had no business adding to the stress your daughter was under and secondly, your daughter should not and is not neutral in this situation. She should be strongly and firmly in her husband's corner. You should expect no support from her, because you are fully in the wrong here. But more than likely, again based on your own words " she definitely didn't get the cleaning gene" she is sick and tired of dealing with your superior, judgmental attitude too. Im surprised you weren't removed from that house long before 3 weeks. And while you might think you deserved thanks, I can assure you that you are the one who owes them an apology for your disrespectful, critical and inappropriate behavior. Your poor SIL is a saint for putting up with you at all. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous No Rudeness Please Submitted by Jean on October 19, 2015 - 11:51am Are you kidding Anonymous? Men almost always support their own mother over their wives. Men/husbands, are rude too * Reply to Jean * Quote Jean you are disrespectful Submitted by Anonymous on July 26, 2014 - 7:09pm Why would you even think your son in law will thank you? You invaded their privacy. No matter how FILTHY their house is, that is his humble abode and you have no right to intrude. DO YOUR CHILD A FAVOR, STAY OUT OF THEIR MARRIAGE. CLEAVE. I am a woman. Married. If you do that in my house, I will kick you out. It is either me or you. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous it sounds like the problem Submitted by S on May 26, 2016 - 6:55pm it sounds like the problem wasn't with what you tried to do to help them, but with the judgement you used with them. Leave the judging to god. If you think their house is filthy and in a bad place, by god, just shut up. If you dont know how to respect boundaries, how can you expect to have a good relationship? * Reply to S * Quote S Helping ?? Submitted by md on October 17, 2016 - 9:51am How clean or dirty their house is, how much of a wreck it is, are completely their problem. The biggest help as parents is stop helping adult children. All you may say is - if they wanted you to help with it, you are open to it. Helping against one's will or at his back is no help at all. Having strong boundaries is an important aspect of helping in self-growth. * Reply to md * Quote md too familiar Submitted by Rebecca on August 12, 2009 - 10:39pm I think I actually got a few shivers up my spine while reading this. There have been a few minor issues with my husband's mother. I love her dearly, but...well...ahem. Anyway, I noticed that my husband would clam up completely when the topic of conversation drifted to his mother and the most recent incident of her behavior. He has never reprimanded me for bringing up the subject...but he won't participate either. I know now it is his internal defense mechanism...and not just his own personal way of being cold or distant to me. I appreciate the insight...this will be most helpful. * Reply to Rebecca * Quote Rebecca I am not convinced that the Submitted by Anonymous on August 31, 2009 - 8:53pm I am not convinced that the behaviours I have witnessed from my mother in law are just about competition or disliking me, it seems to be more about who she is, her personality Whatever it is that comes between her and the limelight has to be vanquished, her grandchildren, her husbands terminal illness, her children's needs. Anything that might take attention away from her. Her lack of empathy or ability to care for others, grandiose attitudes,always looking to manipulate and take advantage for her own ends, telling lies and deceiving, whatever the cost to others to get her own way are not just about the age old mother in law/daughter in law conflict. This person has some serious issues beyond that * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous In response to the above Submitted by Anonymous on October 13, 2009 - 9:49pm In response to the above comment, I totally agree. My mother-in-law told me the day of our wedding that I was not family, would never be considered family, and to stay away from her and her family. Consequently, future invites from my husband's family have his name only. I did attempt to show at one function only to be met at the door with an icy "Leave, or the police will be called." Some women have far more reaching psychopathology than others. And yes, my husband still has some loyalty, obligation or whatever you choose to call it to his family. I don't win. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Same here on the first thing Submitted by Anonymous on November 6, 2013 - 2:29am Same here on the first thing after the wedding she told me "i will never be accepted as a part of family". Told my husband and it went downhill from there..8 years of marriage and nothing has changed..rather has become more and more evident that i am still a NOBODY for the one i think is everybody to me..My Husband.. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous in-law conflict Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on January 8, 2010 - 5:52am I agree that some people have narcissistic needs that make all relationships difficult. Whether as an in-law or a grandparent or a friend, some people crave attention to the extent that they run a kind of destructive interference when anyone else comes into play. One common pattern of in-law conflict, however, is competition over status within the family. Indeed, competition is often over that status, rather than over possession of the child/spouse. In-law relationships have a tendency to heighten narcissistic anxiety, so even normally responsive people sometimes behave unreasonably as they claim attention or regard and resent the attention or regard received by an in-law. When someone is generally demanding of "star" status, comfortable in-law relationships will be extremely difficult to secure. * Reply to Terri Apter Ph.D. * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. in law conflict Submitted by Anonymous on March 28, 2014 - 6:48pm I have a narcissistic daughter in law and she has created a lot of stress in our family. She is not really that well liked but my son thinks the sun shines on her. She lies and she gets angry and snaps at us when she is in a bad mood. My son is a good husband and father to her kids she won't have any with him. He is so henpecked its not funny. He had left me with the feeling that I don't like to see them too often because of the way she always has to be queen of the may. Her children are liars and selfish and they have gone through my things without permission. Its just so sad that my son goes along with her every wish and forsakes the family. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Mil narcissist Submitted by Anonymous too on August 23, 2015 - 6:49pm Looks like you are describing my mil. The witch and actually she is a witch as she is overly superstitious and has all these weird customs as she comes from the old country. I have seen wierd things in her home decor, connected I am sure to witchcraft. Apart from all this she raised her son my husband to be somewhat a mamas boy dedicated to her and her needs. Such was her interference and treating me with insignificance I told her I wanted nothing to do with her which was due coming as our relationship was never close and it's been years since I have had an invitation to her house, actually since my fil died. This woman continues to cause trouble even though I don't relate with her my marriage is still not stable because her son my husband who sees her and relates with her is badly influenced by her bad mouthing me. I can tell that the witch is influencing my husband against me because he gets very defensive, yells to my face and gets aggressive because he thinks I am trying to control him. Any argument I get into with him about little things he sees it as me being over controlling and being disrespectful. I know this woman is behind his behaviour and assumptions because he gets like this when there has been contact with his mother. * Reply to Anonymous too * Quote Anonymous too Insightful article Submitted by rinki on November 24, 2009 - 2:03pm Well, the examples u have given very much reflect my marriage.. Mother in law is out right rude, sis and brother in laws unconditionally jealous of me..When i try to tell this to my husband he gives a deaf ear or utters something like 'they are always right in treating u like this'..All this leaves me low and frustrated thinking of divorce all the time..Could u share some tips how to overcome this kind of a cold response from the spouse Thanks * Reply to rinki * Quote rinki i face the same problem Submitted by P on April 1, 2015 - 2:18am @Rinki, I face the same problem.. Ours was a love marriage that was arranged by our parents.. We are both from different states. My husband too behaves as if I am the villian who is continuously finding problems with his family.. on the contrary, I hide things from my husband.. i never talk about my in-laws bad behaviour towards me.. his family keeps talking bullcrap about my family.. about people of the state I belong to.. they are always ill-mouthed regarding my matters. His family and the sister behave soo sweet and talk sugar-coated infront of him and are soo different to me when he is not present.. His family is like.. they would talk about each and every matter that involves me with him.. making him think that I do injustice to them in many ways.. while my cries and my words go unheard.. !!.. I dont know how to handle this matter. I feel like asking for divorce too.. at times i feel like ending my life.. * Reply to P * Quote P The age old battle Submitted by Anonymous on January 8, 2010 - 8:57am With a lot of input, from me and working with a therapist, my husband has been able to recognise he has been emotionally abused as a child by his mother and it has impacted on the way he sees himself and the way he behaves towards me. I always felt it unwise to ask him to choose between me and his mother, but had to speak up when he was more than willing to do her 'dirty work'. His mother would invent stories about me and he would then lay into me on her behalf. He hoped that she would in turn praise him and give him the love and attention he craved, all in vain.It caused terrible rows and scenes. My husband says he is deeply ashamed of his part in what happened but he felt then he had no choice but to protect his mother against imagined threats. She in turn held out the carrot of "I might love you if you do this". He still has issues with guilt and perceived criticism, but at least we know what we are dealing with now. He has distanced himself from his mother now and limits contact. He no longer rises to her bait. It has been a long journey and there is more to do, but he is happier in himself and says he is starting to understand his own emotions. This is a man who three years ago said he could not describe love or happiness as he couldn't feel them or understand the concept. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous inlaws Submitted by Anonymous on January 27, 2010 - 11:38pm After observing, listening and contemplating on my mother-in-law's behavior over the span of 29 years, not only toward me, but others who are "outside the fold," I can only say this: she is a harsh woman. From even before we married there were signs that she would not be warm or welcoming. Recently, I said to my husband that is is a miracle that our marriage has lasted. My husband would NEVER directly confront his mother about how critical/contemptuous she is about people, including myself and our daughters. Innocently enough, when I first began dating my husband I believed that she would accept me - this has never proved true. She is critical about many people... her husband's family, her daughter's in-laws, neighbors, even her own friends...very few people are spared her judgment. Interestingly enough, when she says something that is disrespectful to me (about me or our girls) it is to me, alone, when my husband isn't around. My daughters (her grand-daughters) are now in their mid and late teens and have no relationship with her- nor do they want one. We live 5 hours away and yet whenever we visit she does not show curiosity about them or their lives. No contact on her part, between visits, ever, unless it was their birthdays when they were younger. I believe this is due to her dislike of me; she takes it out on them without realizing what she is doing. Actually, it isn't so much about me as it is her- she dislikes many people. I think this threw me off greatly because, when my own mom was still alive she welcomed all of my siblings and my boyfriends/ girlfriends, husbands/wives. There must be some category in the mental health manuals for how she acts - someone who regularly criticizes anything or anyone that doesn't live or do as she thinks it should be. I have already figured out what I will say when she dies: "I learned a lot from ______ about how to be a good mother-in-law." * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous mother-in-laws Submitted by Anonymous on February 21, 2010 - 6:46am This continual negativism towards in-laws correlates to the problem of Grandparents being denied access to their grandchildren. Some of what I read here is that couples simply want to be left on their own to get on with their lives. As mature adults one can understand that, but it also shows their children lack of respect not only for grandparents and older people, but lack of respect in general and intolerance. It is when you have a son or daughter in law, who through sheer spite decideds they want the in-laws/grandparents out of the way, it is sometimes simply for selfish reasons and begrudging grandchildren the opportunity to have what could be a loving warm relationship in an extended family. The media and experts are constanly decrying the extended family, and the law dismisses any legal right to grandparents, who in law are simply deemed "significant others". As someone who had a loving warm relationship with my grandparents and showed respect to my in-laws, as did my own children with my parents. I just find it really sad that contemporary family life is not able to celebrate the positive outcomes of grandparents/in-laws * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous In-laws and grandparents Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on March 5, 2010 - 5:47am Your comment has inspired me to post a new blog on the importance of grandparents and to put in-law relationships in the context of family bonds across generations. I hope this addresses your concerns and I look forward to your comments on my next blog * Reply to Terri Apter Ph.D. * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. In-laws and grandparents Submitted by Terri Apter Ph.D. on March 5, 2010 - 5:47am Your comment has inspired me to post a new blog on the importance of grandparents and to put in-law relationships in the context of family bonds across generations. I hope this addresses your concerns and I look forward to your comments on my next blog * Reply to Terri Apter Ph.D. * Quote Terri Apter Ph.D. Because of the way i am Submitted by Anonymous on November 6, 2013 - 2:33am Because of the way i am treated by my inlaws and my husband's blind eye to all that I have decided not to have kids. I will never be able to see me or my kids getting insulted by inlays and do not want my kids to see my husband's indifferent attitude for me when it comes to inlaws * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous I agree that grandparents are Submitted by Anonymous on June 16, 2014 - 10:53pm I agree that grandparents are important and that relationships shouldn't just be thrown away for selfish reasons, etc. But there are many people (my family included) that couldn't deal with the disrespect that my in-laws constantly gave us. We did try to work it out (not at first in the best way possible), but we kept trying and were unable to get them to understand that they had crossed really big boundaries of disrespect. Instead, they chose to blame me (the wife of their son) for all the problems, saying that just needed psychology help, or that I was just too sensitive (to things that even bothered my husband), or that I was outright lying about words said/events that happened, etc. Sometimes, estrangement is for the best (at least for a while, and only after you've honestly tried to apologize and reconcile with them and they still want to solve nothing). I think this kind of situation is coming up more and more because more and more people are narcissistic these days. If my husband's mother and father could just admit that they have flaws, and let down their pride, all would be fixed. I know this is an old thread but hopefully it helps someone else going through this situation. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Reply to Anonymous Submitted by T on June 17, 2015 - 5:08pm Just so you know. I yearn for those days as well, too bad mil's make it hard to have that relationship. Mother's of son's have a hard time giving up control. When I say control I mean allowing someone else in their son's life besides themselves. * Reply to T * Quote T Anonymous and T, it is so Submitted by J on November 19, 2015 - 9:01pm Anonymous and T, it is so very sad, pathetic actually! I have never denied my IL's access to their GC, my husband, and his band of flying monkeys made it so absolutely difficult to even try and get along with them! Issues from childhood started to surface here recently, and when I reached out to them, to better understand the issues, they shot me down, and lied, and cover it up? I have since walked away from his entire family, his parents, and 4 wicked/fake sisters, and have found such an inner peace! And T, you are so right, we have two sons, 21 and 19 now, and the 21 year old battled through a journey of cancer, and although he and his GF had only started dating 2 mos., 1 day prior to diagnosis ( he spelled out in Lincoln Logs in her front yard, asking her to go out with him, and walked I * Reply to J * Quote J Grandparents Rights? Submitted by Johnny on October 5, 2016 - 9:01am I actually do understand and respect your point. However it is entirely dependent on the individual situation. Under the type of circumstances where the normal, expected difficulties that come with becoming adjusted (hence, you can't choose family) I can more than agree with not taking things too far. However, while I am not a licensed therapist and am in no position to diagnose anyone, I am a man who was raised by a horribly abusive narcissistic mother. I will not take the time (as there is not enough) to tell you how crippling it is to a person in every imaginable way to have been raised by someone whom I wholeheartedly believe to be a narcissistic personality disordered person. It has taken years, and I mean years of therapy and self help to fully understand, come to terms with, and just be "ok" with myself. Normal in-law problems are expected. However when dealing with a narcissistic, personality disordered individual, things are entirely different. Anyone who has had the misfortune of being raised by one or bound to one in any way, knows that these are vile, messed up people who leave nothing but turmoil and scars in their wake. In short, narcissism is a deal breaker. Thanks to lack of life experience, the internet and the need to sound educated, people misuse the term "narcissist" all the time. Using it to describe people who take too many "selfies" and things of this nature. To those of us who have endured such people, I wish to heaven above that such things were so trivial. But I assure you, they are not. All of this having been said, I could be completely wrong but you don't sound like someone (in my perception) who has any real experience in dealing with a truly personality disordered mother or mother in-law. These people are just flat out harmful to have in your life. So you'll forgive me for not sharing your sympathy for 'poor gramma". No. No, no no. When dealing with this type of person, you're talking about someone who WILL, not can, but WILL go behind your back as a parent and without a second thought lie to and manipulate your child. This behavior negates any relationship or influence they should be allowed to have with your child. I don't care who they are, because if they were capable of love and empathy, they wouldn't act that way. Yet it's funny how the narcissist is always the victim... Our children are here to be loved and protected by us. NOT the other way around. My daughter spent all of one night at my mother's, and she did exactly what I expected. She has never spent very much time with my mother. And now that she is a young adult and has seen enough with her own eyes, she understands it. Which is sad, by the way. But I'm fine with my decision and I sleep just fine at night. * Reply to Johnny * Quote Johnny It is very interesting that Submitted by Anonymous on March 7, 2010 - 5:24am It is very interesting that both our grown up children have commented upon their respective grand parents having looked back on their childhood and the experiences they shared. Our daughter makes a clear distinction between her maternal and paternal grandmother. She can see how her fathers' mother is col,distant and judgemental whereas my mother is warm, loving and supportive. Our daughter can also see the affect her fathers parent had on his parenting style and the relationships within our family. Despite the problems my mother in law caused us, I never denied her access to the grandchildren, but had to be guarded about the way she tried to manipulate them to do her will. It was often a balancing act. I would have never used the children in a battle of wills, but have in my time come across grandparents who are not safe to leave the grandchildren with. They are not all cuddly, white-haired and wise. * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous Mother-in-Law wants primary relationship with kids Submitted by Anonymous on April 3, 2010 - 10:58am My mother-in-law seems to want her relationship with our children to be primary within the extended family on her side of the family in comparison to my children's aunt (mother-in-law's daughter), cousins, uncle (mother-in-law's son) and grandfather and step-grandmother (former husband and wife of many years). I can understand the competition with her former husband and his wife, but not with her own children. Last year, at a holiday family gathering to be hosted at our home, she refused to attend if her son planned to attend knowing that our children favor playing with his children. My spouse was upset because the siblings backed down and made other arrangements for the holiday and only my mother-in-law attended. Thus canceling the large family gathering almost everyone had hoped for. Some members of the family believe she does this because she wants the full attention of our children without the other family members around. She sees them at other times without extended family in attendance and she sees her son's children more often than ours. I find this difficult to understand why you would not want your grandchildren to have strong relationships with other family members. If they are not brought up with these relationships, does she really expect that her family will connect when she is no longer with us? My family is very inclusive and so I struggle to understand how family holiday dinners on my spouses side don't include all of the family. In addition, if it was our invitation to everyone, why does the mother-in-law feel she has the right to take back our invitation from others? * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous In-laws! Submitted by Anonymous on July 14, 2010 - 6:34pm The problem that my husband and I have with our in-laws isn’t my mother-in-law...I get along with her (somewhat) ok. The problem lies with my husband’s father, brother and sister in law. My husband (who is 35) CANNOT make a decision about us or our family without first consulting his dad. His dad however takes what ever private info he gets from my husband and proceeds to share it with the rest of the family. Then they all huddle together and relish in our strife. My husband doesn’t see anything wrong with this and says that that’s what families do! My father in law is also a male chauvinistic pig that cheated on my mother in law for 30 years. He disrespects women, says terrible things about women and has no regard or resects for our marriage. When my husband is with his dad, his dad will actually "look" and say nasty things about other women. My husband does not think that any of this is wrong and refuses to listen to how I feel. He always turns a blind ear. Right now I’m to the point of leaving! His brother and sister in law are so extremely jealous of our two boys, that when we do get a chance to visit my husband’s family (about once a year) they will get mad if my mother in-law (father in-law could care less about our kids) shows our boys any attention or affection saying that they are favored over “their” kids. Then, for the rest of our vacation his brother and wife will make comments and snide remarks about us or our kids. Again, my husband chooses to ignore these issues and gets very angry when I try and tell him how I feel. He tells me that he doesn’t care if I have a relationship with his family or not, but that he will never stop talking to them about private matters. I have given my husband and ultimatum telling him that I no longer want him sharing our “private” info. As his wife am I right in doing this? I want so bad to fix this issue between he and I (I don’t care about fixing anything with his family) but he has to want it as well! Can someone please help me, give me a list of self help books, or just some sound advice on what the right thing to do is? * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous We have a very similar Submitted by Chai on August 19, 2012 - 1:35am We have a very similar situation here. The only difference is that I don't have problems with his father but his mother, brother and sister are very difficult to deal with. I have experience all the things you have experienced too. And I think i have much worse than that. They are pigs and they always tried to drag me down. They feel that they have everything just because they have money and they never deal with underprivileged people. So they degraded me and my family even though I never ask any financial help from them. They are pigs! * Reply to Chai * Quote Chai Chai, how did you handle the Submitted by Anonymous on January 29, 2013 - 10:32am Chai, how did you handle the situation with your in laws and is it still going on? * Reply to Anonymous * Quote Anonymous I don't know if anyone will Submitted by passerby on January 7, 2014 - 5:18am I don't know if anyone will see this 3 1/2 years on. But. Your main problem is your husband, because he "CANNOT make a decision about [you] or [your] family without first consulting his dad", and sees no problem with his family's response. Counseling and learning about boundaries (Cloud & Townsend have a useful book on this) would help. All the best. * Reply to passerby * Quote passerby I won? Submitted by S.S. on December 1, 2010 - 12:56pm Perhaps the odd hand out on the comments, I seem to have sucessfully limited my Mother In Law's (MIL) access and control over my husband. It might have something to do with being the latest in a series of 11 daughter in laws (no, she didn't have that many kids, some of them have remarried) I made sure, when mentioning things to my husband that bothered me, that I only said it when he was paying attention and I only said it once. Every time thereafter, I could get in a huff if I wanted, but I didn't say anything. After a while, he would ask her or them to stop without any prompting from me. Perhaps I'm just exceptionally lucky in having the husband I do. * Reply to S.S. * Quote S.S. Inlaws issues Submitted by Richa Kumar on May 20, 2011 - 3:05am As you get married you don’t only marry the person of your dreams you also get associated with the members of his family. It isn’t easy for the girl to adjust in to a new family. There are few eternal issues that almost all girls face. Dealing with them is not very tough provided you pay attention to a few things.. http://howrelationshipswork.blogspot.com/2011/05/in-laws-issues-now-sol ved.html * Reply to Richa Kumar * Quote Richa Kumar No Support from In Laws Submitted by Liz on July 13, 2011 - 11:24pm My mother and father in law have made it fairly obvious (to me) that they did not like me being with their son from when things started to get serious. They even told him to have a fling while he was overseas so as to 'get over me' (we hadn't broken up!) She tries to manipulate, but I call her on it when I've had enough and I don't think that's helped, but I don't think I should have to put up with it. More recently, she offers to help me out with my two young and very demanding daughters. Offers I have gratefully accepted, however, they never come to fruitition. I accepted them so that she could see her grandkids, because frankly, I'm not overfond of the idea of them seeing her. However, I do believe the relationship is important as my grandparents had passed by the time I was born. My partner points out that she offers all the time to help, but what he neglects to see is that she never does. She just avoids it or dosen't turn up. More recently she has started making unfair remarks directed to me, although, again, my partner says that she's not. The first was 'no body would stop me seeing my grandkids' - hey, they are here and would love to see you. and Second was 'I didn't have help when I had two small children'. That's great, but why are you taking it out on us. We'd just like her to mind them maybe once a month while we have a bite to eat and so we can have a talk and get our relationship back on track. We run a small business. I work at home and often the only time we get to talk is late at night. The kids haven't slept through the night for a long time and we just don't talk. I wonder if this is her way of trying to break us up. She never seems to like anyone that her children date. She often criticises them or says how much she hates them. Her friends seems to be similar as she has made comments on friend's kid's spouses. What do I do? If I keep fighting with my partner on this our marriage will end and I don't want that to happen. * Reply to Liz * Quote Liz * Previous * Page 1 (current) * Next Post Comment Your name ______________________________ E-mail The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. ______________________________ Subject ____________________________________________________________ Comment * ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ [X] Notify me when new comments are posted (*) All comments ( ) Replies to my comment Leave this field blank ____________________ Post advertisement About the Author Terri Apter, Ph.D., is a writer and psychologist and Fellow Emeritae of Newnham College, Cambridge. Her most recent book is Passing Judgment: Praise and Blame in Everyday Life. In Print: The Sister Knot: Why We Fight, Why We're Jealous, and Why We'll Love Each Other No Matter What Online: Website Read Next Narcissism’s “Bright Side” Is Fool’s Gold Further Thoughts on Social Media and the Well-Being of Teens Improving Relationships With Your In-Laws 3 Rules for Getting Along With Your In-Laws Involved In-Laws: A Blessing or a Curse? 10 Tips for Surmounting In-Law Difficulties 10 Ways to Have an Easier Relationship With Your In-Laws Competing for Love advertisement Most Popular in UK * Six Varieties of Sexual Disgust * Why Older Women (Cougars) Seek Sex With Younger Men (Cubs) * The 5 Most Science-Backed Nootropics for Gaming and E-Sports * Kindergarten Teachers Are Quitting, and Here Is Why * Do Narcissists Actually Lack Empathy? Meet the Parents It's about more than just you and me. 6 Rules For Happy Daughter-in-Laws Troubles With In-Laws? 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