#RSS - managing relationships Home Psy navigation * Real Eco * Better You * Careers * Relationships * Wellness * Living * tests * Blogs * Find A Therapist * Life Leap Club ______________________________ Search User menu * Register * Login SUBSCRIBE 6 issues for just £15! managing relationships Have a good relationship with your in-laws Submitted by danielle.woodward on 2 July 2015 THE PROJECT What’s your reaction to the term ‘mother-in-law’? If it’s negative, you’re not alone. Research says that 75 per cent of couples have in-law problems and 60 per cent of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law bonds are ‘draining’ or ‘simply awful’. THE AIM In What Do You Want From Me? Learning To Get Along With In-laws (WW Norton, £10.99), Terri Apter writes, ‘In-law problems are never simple and never involve simply two people.’Failure to manage in-law relationships may put your long-term happiness at risk. THE THEORY From her research, Apter found that vulnerability is often behind bad in-law behaviour; a fear that we’re not appreciated or don’t belong. If we feel rejected or criticised, a common response is to reject and criticise in return. Added to this is the issue that most of us find it easier to see other people’s faults than our own and that we may be less empathetic and less fair with our in-laws than we are with our own families. Our partner’s family may also be very different to our own. Apter points out, ‘We tend to choose a partner who offers something our own family lacks.’ Those differences can then become sources of tension. This can leave our partner with divided loyalties. They don’t always see the behaviour that worries us, as to them it’s ‘normal’. That can be hard if we then feel that they are not being supportive of us. NOW TRY IT OUT Difficult in-law relationships need to be successfully managed to prevent them damaging your relationship with your partner. If tricky in-laws are a problem for you or your partner, here are a few suggestions: * Don’t insist a partner chooses between you and your parent-in-law. Instead, help them build a bond with their parent. * Empathise with your partner. If they’re struggling with one or both of your parents; try to see their perspective. Encourage your partner in front of your parents and don’t engage in any critical conversations behind their backs. * Show appreciation to your in-laws and reassure them. Also, take time to listen to them and get to know them. * Own your responses. Aim to look at a problem without worrying about who’s right or who’s to blame. Try asking, ‘How can I help solve this problem?’ SARAH ABELL is an author, speaker and relationships coach. Find out more at nakedhedgehogs.com. To buy her LifeLabs Practical Wisdom online course How to Save Your Relationship, please click here. You can try a free 3-day taster trial first too. Photograph: Istock relationships in-law relationships relationships In-laws or out-laws? What is it about ‘Shall we visit my parents over the holidays?’ that strikes dread into so many of our hearts, asks Linda Blair, and what can we do to make relations better? by Psychologies get on with your in-laws relationships How do you manage the in-laws? packed suitcase relationships I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law mother and daughter relationship relationships How to manage a toxic mother by Psychologies * Read more about Have a good relationship with your in-laws Master office politics without becoming a monster Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 1 September 2014 office politics The project To many, ‘office politics’ is synonymous with backstabbing, rumour-mongering, and stealing credit for other people’s work. The bad news, if that’s how you feel, is that you can’t afford not to play the game. But the good news is that with a few simple rules, you can climb the ladder yet preserve your integrity. The aim Office politics is about two things: who gets praise and blame, and who exerts influence. But there’s a paradox: people who are best at office politics don’t seem like they’re good at it; they seem (and often are) ‘unpolitical’ and sincere. So don’t emulate the plotters. They damage their reputations, so the short-term gains rarely translate into long-term ones. The theory What backstabbers don’t understand is that power and praise aren’t a ‘zero-sum game’: just because someone else gets some, it doesn’t mean you lose some. Helping others acquire credit can help you, so learn to spot the places where self-interest and selflessness overlap. If you’ve got a specific strength, offer it to those in positions of influence. You’ll be helping out, and making yourself indispensable. If a colleague does good work, praise it – it’ll boost your reputation, but also it’s the right thing to do. Meanwhile, if you’re the target of nasty office politics, never add to the drama. Serious offences like bullying or harassment should be reported; minor ones, like gossip, can be ignored. Focus on building alliances, not destroying enemies. Try it out * Manage up, down and across: Some people make the error of thinking they need only butter up their bosses. But when it comes to office politics, everyone’s relevant. Ask yourself: ‘How can I make this person’s job easier?’ * Watch out for ‘strategic incompetence’: That’s the label describing those colleagues who pretend they can’t do certain things – say, replace the ink in the printer – so they never get asked. You don’t need to tolerate that. (Though you might want to try it yourself at times…) * Pick your battles: Clarify your long-term aims in the office: a certain post or salary, or just to be happy and do good work. Then, ask yourself if any fight is really worth trying to win. Many aren’t. Choosing to step away can be good politics, too. OLIVER BURKEMAN is the author of The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking (Canongate, £8.99) More inspiration: Read Why you get triggered at work and how to stay calm by Obi James on LifeLabs Career Career How to make meetings more bearable Every month in our Life Lab Work Experiment, Oliver Burkeman invites you to try out a new concept by Psychologies decision fatigue Career Can’t make a decision? what's your work personality? tests Test: What's your power behaviour at work? Career Manage your energy, not your time leader superpower Better You What kind of leader are you? by Psychologies * Read more about Master office politics without becoming a monster subscribe to Psychologies New year, new you: 6 issues for just £15! VIEW OFFER Get the digital edition from just £2.23 SUBSCRIBE Try 3 issues for just £5! 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