#RSS - family relationships Home Psy navigation * Real Eco * Better You * Careers * Relationships * Wellness * Living * tests * Blogs * Find A Therapist * Life Leap Club ______________________________ Search User menu * Register * Login SUBSCRIBE 6 issues for just £15! family relationships How do I adjust to being a carer? Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 16 May 2016 I am dealing with a tricky set-up at home. My elderly father-in-law, 80, has come to live with us in the last six months as he’s not in good enough health to live on his own any more, and my husband and I wanted to make sure he was cared for. We are trying hard, but he is proving very difficult to live with. He had previously been on his own for years so is often inconsiderate and thoughtless, and is more than a bit old-fashioned about expecting to have everything done for him. And he never says thank you for any of it. I know it can't be easy for him either and I am trying to be kind, but it’s been a real change of dynamic in our house and it’s particularly trying because he’s my in-law rather than my own parent and so it’s hard to speak to him directly about it. Help! Name supplied You have taken on a role as a carer, which does not come with a job description, or any guarantee of satisfaction, particularly if your caree is not motivated to make the job easier. It is a generous commitment, but doesn’t mean you can’t also feel disheartened, resentful and guilty. The ‘tips for newbie carers’ on the Carers UK website include registering as a carer with your GP, requesting a Carer’s Assessment from your local council, and making sure that you also take care of your own needs. Topics on the forum include ‘complete refusal to wash’, ‘Dad doing my head in’ and ‘adult dribble bibs’. I hope that does not put you off even more! In your particular dynamic, I trust there is still a sense that you are dealing with this alongside your husband as a team – if not, he is the first person you need to speak to, not your father-in-law. I wonder whether your father-in-law is falling short of his own best self, if he also resents losing his independence. I look at my mother, struggling for equanimity in a care home, and ask whether I would rise to any level of saintly acceptance myself. I take my hat off to you, and hope you will share anything you find that helps. More inspiration: RESEARCH help for carers at carersuk.org Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcée and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line Photograph: iStock relationships unhappy woman relationships I have to live with my mother - how can I make it work? Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on the challenges and problems that you face… by Psychologies relationships How to look after yourself when you’re a carer relationships Caring for ageing parents packed suitcase relationships I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law get on with your in-laws relationships How do you manage the in-laws? by Psychologies * Read more about How do I adjust to being a carer? Five ways to build bridges with an estranged sibling Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 21 January 2016 • Look at your own role in the rift as honestly as you can. Then try and get an understanding of your sibling’s perspective. • Remember that just because you’re siblings, it doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything. Also, remember neither of you has to be the ‘perfect’ brother or sister. You just need to be good enough. • Avoid meeting at emotionally loaded times when there is pressure to be the perfect family, such as Christmas. Instead, do something low-key and informal, like go for coffee together, alone, in a quiet place. • Normalise your situation; remember many siblings do not get on, so don’t stigmatise yourself by self-judging negatively in your internal dialogue. • Weigh up how the reconciliation is going based only on direct communication with your sibling, rather than second-hand reports. Families can be very political and different members can have different agendas. For more on Stand Alone, click here Photograph: Corbis relationships relationships When siblings fall out A hostile relationship with an adult sibling is a heartbreaking reality for many people. After 20 years of frostiness, Sophia Smith went in search of a solution by Psychologies sibling relationship relationships What kind of sibling relationship have you got? relationships The importance of siblings relationships Accept your family wedding plans, family problems relationships My brother’s heartbreak is casting a cloud over my wedding by Psychologies * Read more about Five ways to build bridges with an estranged sibling Have a good relationship with your in-laws Submitted by danielle.woodward on 2 July 2015 THE PROJECT What’s your reaction to the term ‘mother-in-law’? If it’s negative, you’re not alone. Research says that 75 per cent of couples have in-law problems and 60 per cent of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law bonds are ‘draining’ or ‘simply awful’. THE AIM In What Do You Want From Me? Learning To Get Along With In-laws (WW Norton, £10.99), Terri Apter writes, ‘In-law problems are never simple and never involve simply two people.’Failure to manage in-law relationships may put your long-term happiness at risk. THE THEORY From her research, Apter found that vulnerability is often behind bad in-law behaviour; a fear that we’re not appreciated or don’t belong. If we feel rejected or criticised, a common response is to reject and criticise in return. Added to this is the issue that most of us find it easier to see other people’s faults than our own and that we may be less empathetic and less fair with our in-laws than we are with our own families. Our partner’s family may also be very different to our own. Apter points out, ‘We tend to choose a partner who offers something our own family lacks.’ Those differences can then become sources of tension. This can leave our partner with divided loyalties. They don’t always see the behaviour that worries us, as to them it’s ‘normal’. That can be hard if we then feel that they are not being supportive of us. NOW TRY IT OUT Difficult in-law relationships need to be successfully managed to prevent them damaging your relationship with your partner. If tricky in-laws are a problem for you or your partner, here are a few suggestions: * Don’t insist a partner chooses between you and your parent-in-law. Instead, help them build a bond with their parent. * Empathise with your partner. If they’re struggling with one or both of your parents; try to see their perspective. Encourage your partner in front of your parents and don’t engage in any critical conversations behind their backs. * Show appreciation to your in-laws and reassure them. Also, take time to listen to them and get to know them. * Own your responses. Aim to look at a problem without worrying about who’s right or who’s to blame. Try asking, ‘How can I help solve this problem?’ SARAH ABELL is an author, speaker and relationships coach. Find out more at nakedhedgehogs.com. To buy her LifeLabs Practical Wisdom online course How to Save Your Relationship, please click here. You can try a free 3-day taster trial first too. Photograph: Istock relationships in-law relationships relationships In-laws or out-laws? What is it about ‘Shall we visit my parents over the holidays?’ that strikes dread into so many of our hearts, asks Linda Blair, and what can we do to make relations better? by Psychologies get on with your in-laws relationships How do you manage the in-laws? packed suitcase relationships I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law mother and daughter relationship relationships How to manage a toxic mother by Psychologies * Read more about Have a good relationship with your in-laws Our families disapprove of our relationship Submitted by danielle.woodward on 20 May 2015 young couple sad My boyfriend and I have been going out for four years; we are very much in love, and have been talking about getting married. However, we have different faiths and my family has made it perfectly clear that they will never accept our relationship. My boyfriend told me that his family has given us their blessing, but he has now decided that he is not in favour of a civil ceremony, mainly because he thinks it likely that my family will harm his family if he marries me in a ceremony that is not religious. I have a feeling that his family are talking him out of it because they fear for their safety. Are we getting in too deep? I’m not sure what to do any more. Name supplied You cannot think straight about your relationship with your boyfriend with these fears in the background, and I urge you to talk this situation through with someone you can really trust. I have alarm bells sounding in my head about your use of the word ‘harm’ here, which would take us into a zone beyond my opinion and into a matter of law. In the UK, the threat of violence is a crime, whether or not it is carried out. In your case, it sounds to me as if the situation could be called ‘honour-based’, although I’m always reluctant to use that phrase because it implies that I agree with this definition of honour. You are not alone, although I would guess that you are feeling very isolated right now. The most immediate way to talk to someone is probably through the Karma Nirvana helpline (see ‘More Inspiration’, below). This is a charity set up by and for women who seek to take charge of their own choice about marriage. They promise not to talk to your family, and could talk through your options for support. I am sorry that you face this painful time, and grateful that you have taken the first step of writing to me. Please put your own oxygen mask on first, before you worry about your boyfriend’s family. Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcée and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line More inspiration Get support from charity Karma Nirvana at karmanirvana.org.uk Photograph: iStock relationships [Group-Therapy-Jpeg1.jpg] Living Religion and relationships Episode 5 of the Group Therapy series looked at religion and its effect on human relationships. Panellist Philippa Perry, Psychologies columnist and psychotherapist, answers some questions for us. Q. Does religion help or hinder people's understanding of each other? our friendship seems to be over Better You It feels like our friendship is over is there a mean voice inside criticising you? Better You I can’t stop comparing myself to others relationships Should I stay or should I go? by Psychologies * Read more about Our families disapprove of our relationship Have you got a difficult mother? Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 13 March 2015 do you have a difficult mum If you answer yes to three or more of the statements below, you may have a difficult mother. She may not behave in these ways all the time – these traits are often part of a spectrum and can be inconsistent. Difficult mothers can also be talented and have wonderful, giving, fun sides to them, too. * It seems like you are there as an extension of her and to reflect well on her. She enjoys the achievements of yours that she can brag about. She worries what people will think if you don’t live up to her expectations. * It appears that she’s not really interested in you at all, or she can be caring and interested when she wants something in return. Sometimes, if you try to talk about yourself, she turns the conversation back to her. You might find you give up trying. * She regularly ignores your boundaries. If you ask her not to call at a certain time, come over or talk about a particular subject, she’ll ignore your request, and she might also tell you you’re being over-sensitive. This feels like subtle or overt manipulation. * She regularly criticises or attacks your choices. It feels impossible to get things right. * Sometimes she is jealous of you, or competes with you. You’re surprised your mother would feel like this about her daughter. * You have to attend to her emotional or physical needs before your own or, if she does give to you, she then acts like a martyr. It’s not comfortable either way. * She lacks empathy and finds it hard to put herself in yours and others’ shoes. This can make you feel unloved and that your relationship lacks closeness. * She feels personally attacked by the world – a victim – and can’t understand why you or other people do things that she doesn’t like. * She’ll never change (or only very little). She has a need to be right and finds reasonable discussion difficult. If confronted on any issue about her behaviour, she becomes aggressive, defensive, blames you or walks away. So what can you do? Family therapist Dr Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers (Free Press, £10.99), offers her suggestions 1. Take your mother to therapy When family therapist McBride asks her clients: ‘Would your mother attend therapy with you to address mother-daughter issues?’ most people instinctively know the answer will probably be no, based on prior experiences of attempting to discuss feelings. However, there are those mothers who are prepared, like you, to work on issues, so it is worth asking gently. According to McBride, many difficult mothers are also on the narcissistic spectrum, and they typically project their feelings, finding it difficult to connect with their emotional inner life. They generally refuse therapy, are uncooperative, blame the daughter and might even walk out. You may instead need to create a civil connection (see below). 2. Create a ‘civil connection’ This is a good option for daughters who do not want to give up on their mother totally, but have accepted that she is incapable of true mothering, and keep being wounded by this. The idea is to have less contact with your mother, keeping it light and making no attempt to be emotionally close. You will have fewer expectations then, so you won’t be as disappointed when these aren’t met, and you won’t tend to share much personal information. However, McBride also recommends having a temporary separation before taking this step. 3. Have a temporary separation This means taking a break from seeing your mother to work on your own recovery without being constantly triggered by her behaviour. McBride suggests that you tell your mum you are taking time out for some personal issues and will contact her if there’s an emergency. She might not like it – she might even throw a fit – but as McBride says, she doesn’t have to. You’ll need to learn to set some gentle, but firm, boundaries if she persists. 4. Take a permanent break Sadly, some mothers are too toxic for their daughters to be around. If, after your own recovery, work therapy and attempting all the options above, your emotional wellbeing is still being severely compromised, then this may be the only option that protects your mental stability. It can be a hard choice, because others may not understand. Dr McBride’s website offers lots more information and online courses. See willieverbegoodenough.com Photograph: Getty Images relationships improve conversations with family relationships Five ways to better family conversations Psychologist Sarah Rozenthuler offers her advice on how to have better family conversations, and generally get on better with our families by Ali Roff mother-daughter relationship tests Test: What kind of daughter are you? child climbing the cupboards relationships What kind of parent are you? narcissism Better You Is there a narcissist in your life? by Psychologies * Read more about Have you got a difficult mother? Test: What's your power behaviour with family? Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 12 March 2015 power behaviour in family 33% Question 1 of 3 Your partner gets special VIP tickets for a concert, but your mother has already arranged a family dinner for the same night. Do you: (*) Phone the day before and lie about being too ill to travel to see her ( ) Go to the dinner but sulk all the way through it, making sure that your mother knows what a sacrifice you have made ( ) Phone her immediately to explain and arrange a day out together the weekend after ( ) Phone her at the last minute, and let it slip at the end of your conversation that you're not going to make it Next Photograph: iStock tests what's your work personality? tests Test: What's your power behaviour at work? Do you exhibit different behaviours in different life spheres - maybe you're passive at work or more assertive with friends? Try this one of four tests on the theme of power and see what's true for you by Psychologies improve conversations with family relationships Five ways to better family conversations relationships Grown-up siblings: how to move on mothers and daughters relationships How our mothers shape us into adulthood friends with father relationships How to become friends with your dad by Psychologies * Read more about Test: What's your power behaviour with family? I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 9 February 2015 packed suitcase My husband and I have booked a holiday abroad, forgetting it was his mother’s birthday while we are away. We don’t get a lot of chances to enjoy breaks away together, so I’m really looking forward to it, but his mother is elderly – she’s 86 years old. This year, just like the past few years, there is something of a feeling that ‘this might be the last time’. My family don’t get a look-in on Christmas Day because of the fact that we might not have much longer with my mother-in-law, so although we spend a lot of time together as a couple, I feel like my husband could just explain to his mother that we made a mistake when we booked the holiday, and see her the weekend before so we can still enjoy our trip. Is it the right thing to cancel our time away together (which I will resent), or to try and fit in his mother another time (which my husband might resent)? Lisa It sounds as if you want me to take sides, so you can say to your husband and your mother-in-law ‘See? This is the right thing to do’. I’m really intrigued that you believe this one definite right thing exists. The phrase that leaps out to me from your letter is ‘my family don’t get a look-in on Christmas Day’, which packs a lot of unhappiness into a few words. For your own wellbeing, I’d suggest that you have a gentle chat with the part of yourself that is feeling un-cared for about Christmas, and see how that can be soothed, so it doesn’t interfere with this different dilemma. Meanwhile, one of the three adults in the birthday/holiday scenario needs to find their inner gracious swan and say at least one thing that is both sincere and generous. This is what I would like to see happen in reality (but it is my fantasy script): you and/or your husband visit your mother-in-law and say: ‘I can’t believe we forgot your birthday. How can we make it up to you? Do you want us to cancel our holiday?’ Then maybe she says, ‘Don’t be silly, this way I can have at least two celebrations of my birthday instead of one. Go and have a lovely time’. Even if this won’t be the actual response of the people involved, there are so many ways around this apart from the two options you suggest. But all of the options have in common kindness, perspective – and forgetting about who’s right. Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcée and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line Photograph: iStock relationships get on with your in-laws relationships How do you manage the in-laws? Parenting can be tough, says Ilona Boniwell, and managing your own parents and in-laws can be tougher. But with careful negotiation and respect, you can create happy family relations by Psychologies tests Test: How does your family communicate? having dinner with partner's parents relationships How to deal with your partner's family and friends improve conversations with family relationships Five ways to better family conversations relationships The importance of quality time by Psychologies * Read more about I feel resentful about my husband, our holiday and my mother-in-law What kind of parent are you? Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 13 January 2015 child climbing the cupboards Have you ever heard that tiny voice in your head telling you that you’re a rubbish parent? That you’re too strict or too soft, too involved or not involved enough, working too much or buying too much, failing to get them into the right school or university? We all have our own soundtrack. So brace yourself, because in the next few paragraphs I’m going to remind you of everything we really can do ‘wrong’ as a parent, drawing on the latest research on parenting styles and why they might not be having the effect that you want. Ok, deep breath. Maybe you’re the not-so-involved parent. ‘What, homework? Don’t you see I’m on the phone?’ You might tell yourself that this is going to make your kids more independent. But research shows it may make them feel unloved and rejected – and result in poor social and academic competence. Perhaps you’re the authoritarian parent, the one who shouts, tells off and punishes. Of course, you usually have a good reason for telling your kids off, as you believe it is your task as a parent to teach them right from wrong and prepare them for life. But research shows that makes children unhappy, low in confidence and unfriendly. Or you might be a permissive parent, always being there for your kids – to listen and to support – yet finding it rather hard to discipline and reprimand them. ‘Of course, it is ok to go out with your friends, but don’t forget about your homework, alright, darling? Oh, you didn’t get round to doing it because you came back so late? That’s not very good, isn’t it? Try to make sure it doesn’t happen again.’ Sound familiar? Research shows that this parenting style can result in our children lacking in self-control, low academic achievement and more likely to indulge in drugs. Or you might recognise yourself in the term ‘helicopter parenting’, a recent addition to the parenting repertoire and a variation on the permissive theme, with the hands-on parental involvement taken a step further. If you’ve ever found yourself taking the cheese out of a cheeseburger, or installing a GPS tracking system into your 16-years-old’s phone, you might want to do some further reading around the subject. Children of ‘helicopter’ parents can lack resilience and become easily anxious and depressed as adults. You might also be a ‘tiger mum’ type – a frequently quoted Chinese parenting style in the West. The kids of tiger parents cannot play computer games, go for sleepovers, or, in fact, waste their time doing anything that is considered a time-waster. Instead, they must study incredibly hard at school, and usually follow a supplementary art or music curriculum, achieving proficiency by the end of their schooling. The good news for anyone who thinks all this is a little too much is that it is too much. Research shows that children of tiger mums do not perform better than the kids of authoritative parents (read below), and are less likely than them to get into the best universities. Faced with the overwhelming literature on parenting styles, it is easy to find oneself slipping into the guilt trap, tracing everything that is mildly or seriously wrong with your kids or teens to something you have or haven’t done. But blaming ourselves is not going to lead us very far – and will most likely bring us to over-compensation strategies such as praising, permissiveness and giving presents. So what’s the answer? Overall, the world’s research is pretty unanimous on the benefits of the so-called authoritative style as the right way to parent – which means combining high responsiveness and warmth towards your children with reasonable demands, consistenly enforced. The basic tenets are: set clear limits and standards, monitor your children's behaviour, consistently enforce important limits but allow children autonomy, and communicate easily but not obtrusively with children. Feel like you’re not doing that? The starting point is to accept what has been done, strive for better and forgive yourself for all the mistakes you will still make along the way. Be positive in spirit, and good enough in practice. More inspiration: Research Tiger parenting Learn how not to talk to your children Appreciate your kids for who they are at positran.co.uk Dr Ilona Boniwell is our family expert and one of the most respected positive psychologists in the world. She lives with her husband, their toddler and four teenagers. Got a question for Ilona? Email ilona@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘ILONA’ in the subject line Photograph: plainpicture/Image Source relationships rebelling teenagers relationships What to do when it turns out your perfect family is not so perfect What do you do when you find out your teenager has been lying and taking drugs? Psychologist Ilona Boniwell, mother to four teenagers and a baby, is appalled to face this exact challenge in her family by Psychologies self-esteem in children relationships How to encourage authentic self-esteem in children relationships How to deal with other people’s children partner's children relationships How do you deal with your partner's children when they're badly-behaved? relationships How to parent according to birth order by Psychologies * Read more about What kind of parent are you? How do you manage the in-laws? Submitted by anneclaire.loughman on 21 October 2014 get on with your in-laws When I became a mother to my first two sons I was young and, to be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect. Looking back, I see how unprepared I was for the 24-7, all the nights in, having to combine study, work and childcare in my early twenties, as well as managing parents and in-laws. To this day, I turn green with envy when I hear a couple describing their ‘perfect’ parents – who live nearby but far enough not to be intrusive, always on tap to help with the grandchildren but who’d never, ever interfere with the parental decisions. Where did I go wrong to miss this golden middle and end up with the two extremes instead? As far as my in-laws are concerned (both in my first and second marriages), I ended up with the detached scenario. They like their grandkids well enough to enjoy the photos and hand out a £20 Christmas present, but that’s it. Understandable, as my first mother-in-law had four boys she raised almost single-handedly while her husband spent his life at sea. As mother-in-law, she was pleasant, never curious about anything that didn’t concern her directly, and very clear in her boundaries. If we popped by unannounced as my in-laws were about to have dinner, they’d offer us a cup of tea and a sofa to wait on while they finished. It would never dawn on them to offer us a bite to eat on the spot. As an only child and young mum, I couldn’t understand how a family could be so detached. It took me years to learn to appreciate the good side of it: the lack of judgement and interference. My own family was the total opposite. They wanted to play a major role but as they lived far away, this meant them staying with us, often for a few weeks at a time. They’d take over the running of the house, as well as explaining to me and my husband how to do things better. This included advice on what we should or shouldn’t feed the children, and how we should treat their minor coughs and colds. My ex still blames my family for our divorce and even had therapy to overcome his in-law-related trauma. Some of us are blessed with close and respectful family ties, others are not. However, a starting point in reviving a relationship gone sour is learning to forgive, although it can be much easier said than done. The second step is clarifying the identity of your own family and choices. The second time round, my husband and I took care to establish extended family relationships based on respect and boundaries. My husband’s dad (his mother is dead) gets wound up when something is less than perfect (elbows on the table, shouting, broken glasses, you name it), so we see him a couple of times a month but never for longer than a few hours, to make sure we start and end on a good note. My parents are welcome for a weekend, but that’s the limit, and they’re strongly encouraged to play guest, not house-owner. So far, so good… As the wisdom goes, you can never change the other, but only yourself. I hope to ‘grow up’ to be a perfect grandma one day – right in the golden middle – as with five kids, we’re bound to have no shortage of grandchildren! Dr Ilona Boniwell is our family expert and one of the most respected positive psychologists in the world. She lives with her husband, their toddler and four teenagers. Got a question for Ilona? Email ilona@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘ILONA’ in the subject line More inspiration: Read The Mind Gym: Wake Your Mind Up (Sphere, £14.99) See psy.miami.edu/faculty/mmccullough/Forgiveness_Page.htm to point you to research on forgiveness relationships in-law relationships relationships In-laws or out-laws? What is it about ‘Shall we visit my parents over the holidays?’ that strikes dread into so many of our hearts, asks Linda Blair, and what can we do to make relations better? by Psychologies partner's children relationships How do you deal with your partner's children when they're badly-behaved? unhappy woman relationships I have to live with my mother - how can I make it work? tests Test: How has your father shaped you? mother-daughter relationship tests Test: What kind of daughter are you? by Psychologies * Read more about How do you manage the in-laws? subscribe to Psychologies New year, new you: 6 issues for just £15! VIEW OFFER Get the digital edition from just £2.23 SUBSCRIBE Try 3 issues for just £5! 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