IFRAME: https://www.googletagmanager.com/ns.html?id=GTM-K2K9CK ____________________ Health The letter F. A play button in the shape of a television screen. A stylized camera. * A magnifying glass. It indicates, "Click to perform a search". Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. It indicates a way to close an interaction, or dismiss a notification. * Life * Business * News * TV * All Follow us on: The letter F. A play button in the shape of a television screen. A stylized camera. * Copyright © 2020 Insider Inc. All rights reserved. Registration on or use of this site constitutes acceptance of our * Terms of Service , Privacy Policy and Cookies Policy. * CA Privacy Rights * * Disclaimer * Commerce Policy * Made in NYC (BUTTON) Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. It indicates a way to close an interaction, or dismiss a notification. Telltale signs of toxic, narcissistic in-laws and how you can learn to deal with them Lindsay Dodgson 2019-09-11T08:13:00Z The letter F. A ghost. An image of a chain link. It symobilizes a website link url. An envelope. It indicates the ability to send an email. A stylized bird with an open mouth, tweeting. The letter "P" styled to look like a thumbtack pin. A stylized letter F. Three evenly spaced dots forming an ellipsis: "...". Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. It indicates a way to close an interaction, or dismiss a notification. in laws stress in laws stress [5d777f0c6f24eb28784f4153?width=600&format=jpeg&auto=webp] NEUMIARZHYTSKI VALERY / Shutterstock * Narcissistic parents-in-law are incredibly cruel, often going out of their way to make sure their son or daughterʼs spouse doesnʼt feel welcome, according to trauma therapist Shannon Thomas. * If the child from the narcissistic family is oblivious to the harm being caused, it can slowly tear apart their marriage. * Sometimes they are wise to it, but itʼs still incredibly hard to deal with their mind games. * For example, narcissistic in-laws will play favorites, isolate the target from their own children, and lie about anything to fit their narrative and make the target feel excluded. * Narcissists often act like theyʼre reading from the same instruction manual, so there are some telltale signs that a toxic in-law is what youʼre dealing with. * Visit Insiderʼs homepage for more stories. Imagine marrying into a family and realizing your mother and father-in-law are hellbent on destroying your entire life, relationship, and self-esteem. It may sound like the plot of a psychological thriller, but toxic, narcissistic in-laws are a reality many people live with. "Narcissistic in-laws are incredibly cruel," trauma therapist Shannon Thomas told Insider. "Everybody wants to be a part of a healthy, fun family, but when you are the target, with that sense of belonging and wanting to be one of them, they make it extremely clear that you are not." Narcissistic in-laws can ruin a marriage, Thomas said, especially if the son or daughter is oblivious to the games their parents are playing. Thomas said itʼs probably because they are in denial about the level of toxicity their family has. Read more: Narcissistic parents identify their children as either a favourite or a scapegoat, and they pit them against each other The child of a narcissist will sometimes already be wise to their parentʼs behavior, but other times they have to be made aware of it by seeing them through their partnerʼs eyes. "I think itʼs the partner saying it again and again and pointing it out," Thomas said. "Itʼs pulling the curtain back on the family dynamic, and kind of holding up a mirror so the adult child of the narcissist can see it." If the child from the narcissistic family is oblivious to the harm being caused, it can slowly tear apart their marriage. "I get a lot of folks coming in and theyʼre not sure about the marriage because they donʼt feel supported, and thereʼs a lot of tension, which is exactly the narcissistic parentsʼ goal," Thomas said. "What we start unpacking is, is this a normal family situation where two personalities donʼt get along? Or is there something a lot more poisonous going on?" Narcissists often act like theyʼre reading from the same instruction manual, so there are some telltale signs that a toxic in-law is what youʼre dealing with. Narcissistic in-laws like to play favorites It can sometimes take grandchildren to be in the picture for the narcissistic in-laws to show their true colors. For instance, in one family Thomas knew, two grandchildren had the same name. "One grandchild would text the narcissistic grandparent but she wouldnʼt reply," Thomas said. "But then sheʼd text the targeted grandchild and say ʼoh oops I accidentally texted you. I meant to text the other grandchild of the same name.ʼ" She did this to show sheʼs available but is purposefully ignoring the grandchild of the spouse she doesnʼt like, Thomas said. "If itʼs a one off, sure, but if it happens three different times, youʼll notice itʼs more than just a mistake," she said. "Narcissists are so lacking in self awareness they donʼt remember that theyʼve already done it four or five times." They may also try and isolate the targeted spouse from their own children. "Especially if theyʼre saying ʼhey we want to take you to Disney worldʼ or ʼwe want to take you on this trip, or that trip,ʼ" Thomas said. "And then while the grandchildren are on that trip, theyʼre being poisoned against their targeted parent." family photos [5d77b9986f24eb33135b53e4?width=600&format=jpeg&auto=webp] Rawpixel.com Certain patterns like this emerge, particularly when there are several siblings within the family. The narcissistic parent tends to choose a favorite golden child, while the others are left to fight for attention in different ways. Some become "flying monkeys" and aid the narcissistic parent in their manipulations. Whatever the dynamic, the narcissistic parent is always working to feed their supply of adoration, all the while pitting the siblings against each other. They like those who are most like them When siblings start their own lives, their partners can slot into the toxic chaos in a number of ways, either being accepted or rejected, depending on how alike they are to the narcissistic parents. "The cruelty is youʼll see them be very close to some family members, and they will definitely bring some in-laws into the fold," Thomas said. "Itʼs because they like the family members that are most like them." Itʼs common for most of the members of narcissistic families to follow a similar career path, like law. But when one of their children brings in an outsider who goes against the theme of the nuclear family they can see it as an attack. "Especially if theyʼve not made an attempt to be like them," said Thomas. "If the in-law has continued to stand in their own independence, thatʼs when they really attack." It can even rile them up if a newly-introduced spouse has a different taste in food. Thomas said they will serve them food they clearly wonʼt eat then "turn around and act like the victim." For example, a woman recently sent an absurd and disturbing letter to The Cutʼs "Ask Polly" column, where she explained that her in-laws refused to stop serving her mushrooms even though she is deathly allergic to them. Read more: A woman told an advice column that her in-laws wonʼt stop serving her mushrooms despite her deadly allergy, and a trauma therapist thinks it could be a sign of toxic narcissism But Thomas said it was never about mushrooms specifically, it was about control. Narcissists are so desperate for control they favor it even over the safety and well-being of another person. "That individualization is not allowed at all," Thomas said. "You canʼt choose your own career. You canʼt even choose your own food." Youʼll notice a lot of mean behaviors Other games the narcissist in-laws play include: * Planning a trip and only inviting the targeted spouse a couple of days before. This way they can say "we invited them, they just didnʼt want to come." * They will sit down very quickly when going to a restaurant, so the targeted partner is left without a place or has to sit alone. * They wonʼt say hello when the targeted spouse enters a room. Instead, they might turn to them a few minutes later and say "oh, I didnʼt see you there." * They will try and make it seem like they know their child better than their spouse does. They will lie about things they like or what theyʼve said — anything to fit their narrative. sibling rivalry [5d77be6b6f24eb28794f7404?width=600&format=jpeg&auto=webp] NadyaEugene / Shutterstock Complaining about their behaviors sounds petty, but it builds up over time Trying to explain why these behaviors are hurtful one at a time is difficult because they sound so trivial. But theyʼre not, especially when the spouse has been dealing with it for years. In fact, narcissists probably plan their behavior very carefully so that any complaint would sound petty. Over time they can make their target feel like theyʼre losing their mind. "They thrive off the chaos and some of the mean girl or guy kind of behaviors, the bullying behaviors," said Thomas. "They actually enjoy it like any narcissist does. Itʼs that entertainment factor that is very much present for narcissistic parents. They enjoy being cruel." She said itʼs important targeted partners realize they are not the distorted version of themselves the narcissistic in-laws are painting them to be. To remind themselves of their worth they should spend time with friends and put boundaries in place with how, where, and when they visit their partnerʼs family. This is infinitely easier if their partner is also wise to whatʼs going on, she said, because then they can stand strong as a team. Otherwise, the marriage probably wonʼt last, and narcissistic parents are more than happy to fund an incredibly ugly divorce. But when the couple have a untited front, Thomas said itʼs not unreasonable to choose detached contact in these situations, or in extreme cases, no further contact at all. "Thereʼs a lot of recovery available, once someone comes to terms with what theyʼre dealing with and stays grounded and rooted in the life they have together," she said. "Itʼs choosing health together. And thatʼs really wonderful to watch." Read more: 17 steps to leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist SEE ALSO: The 5 most common themes in narcissistic families, from 'flying monkeys' to the 'needy sibling' NOW WATCH: More: Narcissists Parents In-laws Mental Health * toxic people * Lifestyle UK It indicates an expandable section or menu, or sometimes previous / next navigation options. Looking for smart ways to get more from life? 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