I am dealing with a tricky set-up at home. My elderly father-in-law, 80, has come to live with us in the last six months as he’s not in good enough health to live on his own any more, and my husband and I wanted to make sure he was cared for. We are trying hard, but he is proving very difficult to live with. He had previously been on his own for years so is often inconsiderate and thoughtless, and is more than a bit old-fashioned about expecting to have everything done for him. And he never says thank you for any of it. I know it can't be easy for him either and I am trying to be kind, but it’s been a real change of dynamic in our house and it’s particularly trying because he’s my in-law rather than my own parent and so it’s hard to speak to him directly about it. Help! Name supplied

You have taken on a role as a carer, which does not come with a job description, or any guarantee of satisfaction, particularly if your caree is not motivated to make the job easier. It is a generous commitment, but doesn’t mean you can’t also feel disheartened, resentful and guilty.

The ‘tips for newbie carers’ on the Carers UK website include registering as a carer with your GP, requesting a Carer’s Assessment from your local council, and making sure that you also take care of your own needs. Topics on the forum include ‘complete refusal to wash’, ‘Dad doing my head in’ and ‘adult dribble bibs’. I hope that does not put you off even more!

In your particular dynamic, I trust there is still a sense that you are dealing with this alongside your husband as a team – if not, he is the first person you need to speak to, not your father-in-law.

I wonder whether your father-in-law is falling short of his own best self, if he also resents losing his independence. I look at my mother, struggling for equanimity in a care home, and ask whether I would rise to any level of saintly acceptance myself. I take my hat off to you, and hope you will share anything you find that helps.

More inspiration:

RESEARCH help for carers at carersuk.org

Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcée and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line

Photograph: iStock

THE PROJECT 

What’s your reaction to the term ‘mother-in-law’? If it’s negative, you’re not alone. Research says that 75 per cent of couples have in-law problems and 60 per cent of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law bonds are ‘draining’ or ‘simply awful’.

THE AIM 

In What Do You Want From Me? Learning To Get Along With In-laws (WW Norton, £10.99), Terri Apter writes, ‘In-law problems are never simple and never involve simply two people.’Failure to manage in-law relationships may put your long-term happiness at risk.

THE THEORY 

From her research, Apter found that vulnerability is often behind bad in-law behaviour; a fear that we’re not appreciated or don’t belong. If we feel rejected or criticised, a common response is to reject and criticise in return. Added to this is the issue that most of us find it easier to see other people’s faults than our own and that we may be less empathetic and less fair with our in-laws than we are with our own families. Our partner’s family may also be very different to our own. Apter points out, ‘We tend to choose a partner who offers something our own family lacks.’ Those differences can then become sources of tension. This can leave our partner with divided loyalties. They don’t always see the behaviour that worries us, as to them it’s ‘normal’. That can be hard if we then feel that they are not being supportive of us.

NOW TRY IT OUT

Difficult in-law relationships need to be successfully managed to prevent them damaging your relationship with your partner. If tricky in-laws are a problem for you or your partner, here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t insist a partner chooses between you and your parent-in-law. Instead, help them build a bond with their parent.
• Empathise with your partner. If they’re struggling with one or both of your parents; try to see their perspective. Encourage your partner in front of your parents and don’t engage in any critical conversations behind their backs.
• Show appreciation to your in-laws and reassure them. Also, take time to listen to them and get to know them.
• Own your responses. Aim to look at a problem without worrying about who’s right or who’s to blame. Try asking, ‘How can I help solve this problem?’

SARAH ABELL is an author, speaker and relationships coach. Find out more at nakedhedgehogs.com. To buy her LifeLabs Practical Wisdom online course How to Save Your Relationship, please click here. You can try a free 3-day taster trial first too.

Photograph: Istock

My husband and I have booked a holiday abroad, forgetting it was his mother’s birthday while we are away. We don’t get a lot of chances to enjoy breaks away together, so I’m really looking forward to it, but his mother is elderly – she’s 86 years old. This year, just like the past few years, there is something of a feeling that ‘this might be the last time’. My family don’t get a look-in on Christmas Day because of the fact that we might not have much longer with my mother-in-law, so although we spend a lot of time together as a couple, I feel like my husband could just explain to his mother that we made a mistake when we booked the holiday, and see her the weekend before so we can still enjoy our trip. Is it the right thing to cancel our time away together (which I will resent), or to try and fit in his mother another time (which my husband might resent)? Lisa

It sounds as if you want me to take sides, so you can say to your husband and your mother-in-law ‘See? This is the right thing to do’. I’m really intrigued that you believe this one definite right thing exists.

The phrase that leaps out to me from your letter is ‘my family don’t get a look-in on Christmas Day’, which packs a lot of unhappiness into a few words. For your own wellbeing, I’d suggest that you have a gentle chat with the part of yourself that is feeling un-cared for about Christmas, and see how that can be soothed, so it doesn’t interfere with this different dilemma.

Meanwhile, one of the three adults in the birthday/holiday scenario needs to find their inner gracious swan and say at least one thing that is both sincere and generous. This is what I would like to see happen in reality (but it is my fantasy script): you and/or your husband visit your mother-in-law and say: ‘I can’t believe we forgot your birthday. How can we make it up to you? Do you want us to cancel our holiday?’ Then maybe she says, ‘Don’t be silly, this way I can have at least two celebrations of my birthday instead of one. Go and have a lovely time’.

Even if this won’t be the actual response of the people involved, there are so many ways around this apart from the two options you suggest. But all of the options have in common kindness, perspective – and forgetting about who’s right.

Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcée and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line

Photograph: iStock

When I became a mother to my first two sons I was young and, to be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect. Looking back, I see how unprepared I was for the 24-7, all the nights in, having to combine study, work and childcare in my early twenties, as well as managing parents and in-laws.

To this day, I turn green with envy when I hear a couple describing their ‘perfect’ parents – who live nearby but far enough not to be intrusive, always on tap to help with the grandchildren but who’d never, ever interfere with the parental decisions. Where did I go wrong to miss this golden middle and end up with the two extremes instead?

As far as my in-laws are concerned (both in my first and second marriages), I ended up with the detached scenario. They like their grandkids well enough to enjoy the photos and hand out a £20 Christmas present, but that’s it. Understandable, as my first mother-in-law had four boys she raised almost single-handedly while her husband spent his life at sea. As mother-in-law, she was pleasant, never curious about anything that didn’t concern her directly, and very clear in her boundaries. If we popped by unannounced as my in-laws were about to have dinner, they’d offer us a cup of tea and a sofa to wait on while they finished. It would never dawn on them to offer us a bite to eat on the spot. As an only child and young mum, I couldn’t understand how a family could be so detached. It took me years to learn to appreciate the good side of it: the lack of judgement and interference.

My own family was the total opposite. They wanted to play a major role but as they lived far away, this meant them staying with us, often for a few weeks at a time. They’d take over the running of the house, as well as explaining to me and my husband how to do things better. This included advice on what we should or shouldn’t feed the children, and how we should treat their minor coughs and colds. My ex still blames my family for our divorce and even had therapy to overcome his in-law-related trauma.

Some of us are blessed with close and respectful family ties, others are not. However, a starting point in reviving a relationship gone sour is learning to forgive, although it can be much easier said than done.

The second step is clarifying the identity of your own family and choices. The second time round, my husband and I took care to establish extended family relationships based on respect and boundaries.

My husband’s dad (his mother is dead) gets wound up when something is less than perfect (elbows on the table, shouting, broken glasses, you name it), so we see him a couple of times a month but never for longer than a few hours, to make sure we start and end on a good note. My parents are welcome for a weekend, but that’s the limit, and they’re strongly encouraged to play guest, not house-owner. So far, so good…

As the wisdom goes, you can never change the other, but only yourself. I hope to ‘grow up’ to be a perfect grandma one day – right in the golden middle – as with five kids, we’re bound to have no shortage of grandchildren!

Dr Ilona Boniwell is our family expert and one of the most respected positive psychologists in the world. She lives with her husband, their toddler and four teenagers. Got a question for Ilona? Email ilona@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘ILONA’ in the subject line

More inspiration:

Read The Mind Gym: Wake Your Mind Up (Sphere, £14.99)

See psy.miami.edu/faculty/mmccullough/Forgiveness_Page.htm to point you to research on forgiveness

'My new boss is making the job I loved unbearable'

How do you deal with a boss who is never happy with what you do? I had no problem with my previous boss, who happened to be my new manager’s father, but now Junior has taken over, and despite trying to get on with him, he constantly belittles and berates me. I am very good at what I do and I am conscientious and hardworking. But he is very difficult to work with and I just can’t seem to please him. It’s making the job I once loved unbearable. How can I improve our working relationship and feel happy at work again? Natalie

It always amuses me that relationships are referred to as ‘soft’ skills at work, when the effects can be so hard and financially measurable. If you are in a family business, you are on the pointy end of a global economic challenge. Handing over to the next generation is a make-or-break time, when up to 70 per cent of such companies fail, generally because of family relationship problems, not business issues.

I invite you to believe that whatever your new manager’s actions look like, his intention is to do his best for the business. He might even be partially blinded by his own desire to succeed and prove himself. You also want to do your best, and when you are happy, you will be more productive. I can’t see how referring to him as ‘junior’ is helping either of you.

If there is any budget for staff development, I’d advise you to look at MBTI (myersbriggs.org) or FIRO-B psychometric tests. These are a neutral framework for looking at what people give out, and what they want to get back at work.

I suspect that he is offering you critique, believing it’s helpful information. What you want is reassurance that you are appreciated for what you do well, before you can listen to specific points. I know this might be hard, when you are feeling under attack, but I’m asking you to see if you can use your longer-term experience to your advantage. One script would be: ‘I know you want the best for the business and I want the satisfaction of doing a great job, but our conversation has left me feeling demotivated. How can we get back on track with each other?’

Even if your boss is actually being a bully, then you can still deal with him straightforwardly.

More inspiration:

Log on: 3 tips for managing workplace stress

Read Why you get triggered at work and how to stay calm by Obi James on LifeLabs

Photograph: iStock