Draw a line. Letting yourself be wound up constantly over the same things, from passive-aggressive digs to outright bad manners, is boring and stressful, so decide to take charge and change things.
Counter passive-aggression with teasing and apparent affection. If your mother-in-law offers to iron your husband’s shirts so “the poor dear doesn’t have to”, tell her she’s a darling and make her a cup of tea.
Emotional blackmail either needs the brisk response you give a sulky toddler, or ignoring completely. “If Aunty Mary isn’t being invited to the christening, I don’t think I’ll come, either,” needs, “That’s a shame. Never mind, you’ll enjoy the photos.” Never admit to hearing, “This could be my last birthday/Christmas/summer holiday” from a robustly healthy but domineering parent-in-law as this never ends well for you.
Don’t make your partner choose between you. You’ve come from two different families and you’ll keep some traditions while starting your own, but play the smart game. If you don’t want to do Sunday lunch every week at her parents, interrupt the ritual gently with something else you both want to do. Go some Sundays and make up for those you miss with little-and-often visits instead, where you’re in and out in a cheerful blur.
Get them on side. Ask advice on anything they’re good at, from DIY to cooking to inspired gifts for your partner. Ignore what irritates you most and try to find something – anything! – that you can connect on.
Take the long view. The in-laws will be around indefinitely so it might be in your best interests to overwhelm them with kindness and chat. Even the most irritating in-laws can make helpful grandparents, should that time arise.
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